Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

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MAY 28, 2009 2:27PM

The Hazards of Showerheads

Rate: 44 Flag


The Brothers are a rag tag crew of 3 young guys at the end of the street that have adopted me into their family. While I’m grateful to get a sense of what real brothers feel like, they often try my patience with their sheer idiocy…I mean, youthful ramblings.

A “hot topic” that is sure to incite an argument among us is their views on the differences between men and women. I try to remind myself of their age but also believe that if they don’t change their thinking now, those thoughts may cement themselves into their twisted little minds and never dislodge. It’s charity work on my behalf. For the world.

After we finish surfing at the end of our street last Sunday, I try to hurry off the beach and leave Clint and Kyle behind. I can often sense when their ridiculous thoughts are brewing and do my best to disconnect from them and run for cover. Kurt, the youngest, remains in the water, burning off his boundless and wild energy.

Clint: Beth. Wait up.

Alas, I have lost my window of opportunity. As we walk off the beach together, we pass a beautiful girl on the beach. They check her out intently.

Clint: Man, I can’t help it. I must be shallow. I just love beautiful women.

Beth: Clint, we all love beautiful women. It doesn’t make you shallow.

Clint: You love beautiful women?

Beth: Sure. Why not?

Kyle: I didn’t know you swung that way.

(Childish laughter ensues.)

Beth: (despondently) Yeah, you got me. I’m a full-bore lesbian. Ladies beware.

Clint: I just feel like I should be a little more...complicated or deeper.

Beth: Appreciating beautiful women doesn't mean you’re not "deep." It means you’re a 27-year-old heterosexual man.

Kyle: I don’t know, Beth. Now that I have a girlfriend, it’s just such a burden. I try so hard not to check out other women, but I’m a man and I can’t help myself.

Beth: Shut your trap. Now.

Kyle: Oh, here we go again.

Beth: Kyle, don’t date a woman if you feel like it’s such a burden. Undoubtedly she senses that. Or find an open relationship. Or a woman that you’re happier with. But don’t insult me – or your girlfriend - by telling me it’s just the “burden of being a man."

Kyle: Beth, I wish I could shoot some testosterone into you so you could feel what we have to go through on a daily basis.

Beth: Because women have no sex drive on their own. Because women don’t check out other men. Because only men have the market on being horny.

Kyle: Men are horny all the time. You just don’t get it.

Then something snaps in me. To be denied my sex drive after months without good sex is a profound insult to injury. My volcano begins to erupt.

Beth: No, Kyle, you just don’t get it! I haven’t had sex in 5 months! I’d have sex with that fire hydrant if it looked at me funny. I’ve done things with a shower head that verge on the dangerous. My bicycle seat turns me on and planting seeds in my garden has developed a whole new meaning. I’d fuck circles around you right now, Kyle. Circles! I do “get it” because I too am “horny all the time!”

I let out a giant sigh. At this point, we’ve stopped in the middle of the street and the boys are stunned by my outburst, mouth agape, surf boards dangling under arms.

Kyle: Okay, okay. You’re horny all the time. Just relax. I'm sorry.

Suddenly I feel on the verge of tears. I hate that I used the word horny. I don’t even like that word. I always found it coarse. My best friend Krissie used to say it a lot. “God, I’m so horny.” Even though she was my dearest friend, I would suddenly see her as a cat in heat. If I didn’t watch, she might rub her ass up and down my leg and begin yowling.

As we walk home in partial silence, I try to recover. Did I just have a sex-starved breakdown? When I reach my house, the guys continue on their way. I stand in the middle of the street, unsure what to do next. Maybe I should begin yowling. Maybe leg sex is in my future. I walk to the back yard and into the outdoor shower – one of my favorite places to hide out. I turn on the water and dream of bicycle seats and things growing in my garden.

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The ever-present libido - It stalks us all, men and women.
"Have you planted any zucchini", he asks with a sly grin.
Wow! I know I shouldn't be laughing, but I can't help it - I'm picturing the whole scene (damn your great writing) - and the wheels turning in that guy's head - I think it's possible that yes, you need/deserve a serious romp, um, through the garden - or perhaps the farmer's market?
Well, maybe NOW they'll remember that women have needs, too!
Great pic, as well.
(I am setting a new record for no action myself.)
Ha ha ha! Sorry...just had to laugh 'cause that last zucchini comment was left by "littlewillie" ! And yes, I do have the sense of humor of a 14 year old boy.

Ha ha ha...still giggling here.

Oh, Beth, you always catch me with the brothers. I love those guys. Also...what you said to Kyle just plain needed to be said. That's what big sisters are for.
The first year I was married, my husband gave me the most beautiful Waterford decanter.... 2nd year, I got a pulsating showerhead, but believe me.. he wasn't thinking of clitoris when he bought it... I wonder where that thing is now, come to think of it. I could use it!
I dream of tacos and clams.

You're not getting any? Is this some sort of zen celibacy thing? Are you holding out for "the one"? This just doesn't seem possible.

Cuz, damn... You are far too gorgeous not to be getting any, unless that's the way you want it.
Well done, and sorry for your drought ....
You are as saucy as ever. I was engaged to my pulsing shower head in my 30s but broke it off for a scintillating vibrator. I had a fling with a seat in a school bus once ... ah yes, romance.
Sometimes when the sex drive is stuck in neutral you just need to shift.
I think the first photo should be fine now, Ms. Cindy Ross.

As for my lack of romps, I don't know what to say. I guess that while I would love to meet more people, its just not happening down here. Its an island predominantly of families. Its not like living in NYC and San Francisco, where I could go out and meet people more readily.

Mr. Mustard, I loved your quote. But my sex drive is just fine. It's everyone else who's neutral! Ha....

Hey all, as always, lovely to hear from you.
If you become a constant gardener, the males will definitely lose out.
Laughing, but feeling your pain acutely, Beth.
In case you were wondering, Kyle was thinking, "Damn Girlfriend". Of course a woman can always "get some", if shes not too picky. It doesn't work that way for a guy.
And I am glad the garden police didn't show up and demand to see what you had in your shirt this time.
I guess it's an age thing but seeing attractive women just gets me to having sex fantasies about my wife--and yeah Willie, some of them include zucchini and olive oil. Like, she's just sitting across the table from me right now--on her computer--but I'd just as soon head to the bedroom for a little "together time".
"Great post," I said as my eyes re-focused from having been dialated by the outrageous prose I just read.
HOT! HOT! HOT! And so are you.

After reading that, I wanna be a carrot seed, (or a packet of broccoli Raab seeds :-)

RATED for the rise in room temperature your pic gives me.
Good grief, what is wrong with those boys?

Fantastic piece of writing Beth. I think I'll mosey on down to my garden now.
You know, my first reaction was not that the "burden" was "having a girlfriend," but rather that having a girlfriend tends to force you to tone down your ogling, guy-like behavior, and *that* can be a burden. Not the girlfriend.

But I've been wrong before.

P.S. - "Carrot seeds?"
A six-year drought just ended for me. SIX YEARS!

I feel your pain.

Well done.
Cucumber gardener, myself.
Sweet showerhead, don't turn down that water pressure!
Couldn't stop laughing at the line "Now that I have a girlfriend its such a burden"!!
I see :0)
I am astonished that Kyle didn't offer his assistance.
Ocular, I guess what I'm saying is, if you have to say "damn girlfriend" then you shouldn't have one. Any woman can sense that vibe and it feels awful. Hardly very reverent. I like reverence.

Walter Blevins, that's some reverence. I always believe, in a good, strong relationship, you can experience sexual feelings for or from another, but somehow its channeled back into your relationship, making it even hotter. That not age, that's love, baby.
Thanks Linus guy, Douglas Moran...I didn't like the last line with the carrot seeds. Tell me if this one works better. I think it does.
I'll comment kindly as soon as I can catch my breath...
" While I’m grateful to get a sense of what real brothers feel like, they often try my patience with their sheer idiocy…I mean, youthful ramblings."

Uh, Beth---that is what real brothers feel like.

Hilarious post. At least you're channeling that pent-up *energy* constructively.
You're just responding the dumbness of young guys who haven't been challenged to realize that everything they've been told isn't true. For example, women and their libidos. They still believe women aren't supposed to WANT IT. With luck, they'll grow out of that a bit.

So, basically, you're pretty great for getting angry and impatient with them. They deserved it. And great writing, too, as usual.
Soft-porn on O.S. - you do it all. Rated.
Yep, been there, done that. I think the summer sun warming me while I lay on the ground on a blanket, smelling all of the green fragrances and watching my very sexy neighbor hoe, shirtless, in his veggie garden next door was one of the highlights of my late 20's horndog days. Celibat so long, I thought I would ignite. I finally got bold and got some of his cucumber too.
*sigh* he was a poet too...
ouch..."celibate" that is.
This has nothing to do with showerheads but I just stumbled across this vintage Cat Stevens. That man is such a musical hero of mine. I don't even like this song and I like this song!
Incandescent, I do hear this a lot. Sure, I could find a man easier than a man could find a woman...but would I? I mean, taste does come into play...hence why I haven't had...relations with many people down here. It might be easier...but grosser...ha!!!
A beautiful garden needs tending. Mine is overgrown with weeds and cobwebs. Can't tell you what keeps it alive, but it's still there. Constantly beckoning attention.
I think it works fine. But, jeez Beth, I guess it depends on how far you want to (ahem) go with your analogy/innuendo. You could really go for it, with "big, thick, juicy vegetables growing in my garden," or "poking garden seeds in the moist, welcoming earth so that they grow big and thick and firm for the harvest." I mean, you can get really, well, bad.

Or you could go the other way, with "thinking of the nice carrots my recently-planted seeds will grow into." Depends on the effect you're going for, I guess.

("Linus guy." I kinda like that.)
"Ocular, I guess what I'm saying is, if you have to say "damn girlfriend" then you shouldn't have one. Any woman can sense that vibe and it feels awful. Hardly very reverent. I like reverence."

OK, so I didn't explain myself well. When you were complaining about "the need, he was probably thinking how if it wasn't for the fact he had a girlfriend he would have offered to "scratch that itch" for you, brother figure or not. At least that's the way I think, he he.
I can't wait to hear what bon mots come out of there mouths the next time you see them. Please write about it.

I understand, BTW.
"Suddenly I feel on the verge of tears. I hate that I used the word horny. I don’t even like that word. I always found it coarse. "

Take heart, at least you didn't get down and hump his leg.... (did you?)

When I became abruptly single in my mid-40's I discovered that it was easy to find someone to go to bed with, but much more challenging to find someone I wanted to wake up with.

Happy hunting.
Most men view women as sex objects and unidirectional sex objects at that. To find out that a woman/girl can have red hot/white hot sex urges just goes against their brainwashing and I think it's funny.

I briefly dated a woman with a very strong sex drive. She literally could 'fuck circles around people'... She was as close to being a nymphomaniac as I'd like to see. She was always ready at the drop of a hat. She moved away shortly after we met. Probably saving me from many STD's...

She was a handful. I have never been attacked like that since...
Beth....things will improve.....I'm sure of it!
Well, frankly...I don't know if I could eff circles around anyone. I don't even know what that means! I'm rather shy in my own right, truth be told. But I guess I just don't like feeling as if my sex drive is non-existent in comparison with a male's.

Gonzoid, your follow-up comment made me laugh out loud!

And Gary (and others), not to worry. I'm doing fine. I don't mind not being with anyone. I've had a lot of experiences in my life and there's no rush. I'd rather have a good experience....

Besides, it's Beth's Urban "Tales" of Wonder and Decay! Who knows how I much I "taffy" the truth.
Wonderful writing. And a very funny story.
Oh, Beth, I've been on my own for a while too, I really feel your pain but so wish you hadn't mentioned the possibility of future leg sex ...

On the positive side, I still think Clint has a thang for you.

I love Cat Stevens too.
Princess Fiona, so nice to hear from you. I do hope it doesn't come down to leg sex as well. That's just awkward for all parties.

I'm glad you watched Cat Stevens. I kinda want to write about his life and career trajectory because I find it very interesting. And his music always makes me feel so safe inside.

Shivaun and any other new visitors, nice to meet you.
"APPPRECIATING BEAUTIFUL WOMEN DOESNT MEAN YRE NOT DEEP" is something every gentleman needs to learn, as well as

HOW to do it. Thats the damn trick....Not fuurtively, but with eyes open to the wonnder of God's creation, or, as i prefer to put it, His

Creating....for every moment affords an opportunity to appreciate beauty in some form...

best jim.friended.rated
I love your conversations. And yeah, women do get the urge. Sheesh!
... it would be really great if you wrote about Yusuf/Cat. I love his new single, "Thinking 'Bout You."