My friend Beth crying Daily Bullshit Tears combined with Tears of Elation after finding out she wouldn't be held entirely responsible for her recently deceased husband's tens of thousands of dollars worth of hospital bills.

Here are the Top Ten Types of Tears:

1. Daily Bullshit Tears are pretty self-explanatory and commonplace. They fall from your eyes when your health insurance company tells you they won’t cover an expensive procedure or when an old lady slams on her breaks in the middle of a highway, forcing you to hit her vehicle and you know you will be held responsible though it was clearly her fault. Daily Bullshit Tears tend to roll down your face silently and with little fanfare, while the officer hands you a speeding ticket and walks away, swaggering.

2. Bitter Tears feel good but also burn as they roll down your face. They are born from anger commingled with acute pain. These tears are cathartic but can also twist and contort a situation or a memory so you feel the maximum amount of victimhood. In short, Bitter Tears aren’t always accurate but feel good nonetheless. Bitter Tears are usually caused by profound disappointment in another, scorned love, scorched feelings and dashed hopes. They are most commonly released after a divorce or a break-up or a thoughtless action or comment. But beware; these tears can become increasingly caustic and have a limited shelf life before they turn into depression and Endless Tears.

3. Endless Tears are alluring but dangerous. It’s why the song “Stop your Sobbing” was written. These drops seem to replenish themselves from a never-ending well of pain. And while crying is one of the most magical self-cleansing acts we can perform, excessive crying creates a pool  that becomes deeper and deeper. Drowning is a distinct possibility. Dry off and pull your bedraggled soul out, if you sense this occurring. Force yourself out into the light of day. It will hurt at first, so beware.

4. Vintage Tears grab a memory from the past and flood you, making it feel like it was yesterday. Vintage Tears force you to realize how quickly time is passing and how precious life really is. They can be caused by deep regret and remorse for a dark period in your life or for words never spoken or even for pleasant times that are no more. They work well when revisiting a painful family memory and are perfect when missing a dead pet.

5. Depths of Hell Tears are released when someone dies or when dealt a devastating blow. They accompany sobs that sound animalistic and wrenching, meant to reach God’s ears directly. My mother cried Depths of Hell Tears when she found out my father died. I was 6 when she picked up the phone and was given the news and fell to ground, emitting a sound that one doesn’t easily if ever forget. Sometimes I cry Vintage Tears remembering that moment.

6. Hysterical Tears are very rare and special. They are manifested when laughter meets terror. It’s like going perfectly mad for a moment. I experienced Hysterical Tears once during a difficult rock climbing adventure. I was midway up a very steep climb and looked down and became seized with fear. I couldn’t seem to climb any higher. I looked up and saw my friend urging me onward. I began laughing and crying at the same moment, totally terrified and unsure what to do next. It was a sensation I’ll never forget.

7. Empathy Tears fall when sharing the pain of others. These tears are perfect while watching the news or seeing an animal in distress. They can often be collective tears, shared with the world. When asking Beth (pictured above) if I could use her photo for this post, I began tearing up. I remember all too well the horrible stress she was under and the relief she felt when the Universe gave her a much-needed break. It's still hard for me to look at that photo.

8. Misplaced Tears happen as you are going about your business and something as stupid as a light bulb dying or banging your elbow causes an overflow of tears to come gushing forth. It's not the fact that you have to change the bulb or that your elbow hurts; it's more a matter of that trivial thing pushing you over the edge and you releasing the stress of what is truly burdening you.

9. Frozen Tears. Poor men have a fair share of these tears in their personal freezer and it’s not entirely their fault. We’ve created a world where men aren't supposed to cry but are still expected to be "emotionally available." It is sad indeed that many men (and women) don’t  experience that giant sigh of relief that comes after a good cry. Frozen tears are dangerous and lead to compartmentalizing and walking zombieism as well as a plethora of other serious health problems. Frozen Tears are often surprisingly dislodged by a good movie or sad song, so there is hope.

10. Tears of Elation are cherished tears actually explode out of you when you least expect it. These are deeply healing tears that touch the aching little child inside all of us. They can rush out when we’ve given up all hope and something good magically happens. Or when romantic love prevails in the end. Or when a child is born or two right people are married. Or when you feel very wronged -  but someone rights it so damn well. Tears of Elation heal the depths of your soul and give you reason to live.


Of course, categorizing tears is hardly an exacting science. Any tear can be beautiful and therapeutic. The clue you're on the right track? You should feel better after crying, not worse.

Sometimes tears can be wrongfully placed. You may think the lover who scorned you is wholly responsible for your pain when, if you dig a little deeper, it may be a family issue or a feeling you've been battling with your whole life. Tears are best cried when you can identify and own the actual source of the pain and cry from that place. It's usually a little more than Joe or Jane Done Me Wrong.

If someone cries in front of you, make sure you don't freeze up or try to stop them. Shouldering someone's tears is a privilege and as important as crying them yourself. Someone is entrusting you with their pain. Hug them until they are out of tears. Let them pull away first. Heal people and you heal yourself.

                                          Quotes on Tears

 “I cry a lot. My emotions are very close to my surface. I don't want to hold anything in so it festers and turns into pus - a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression.” ~ Nicolas Cage (Bitter Tears)

   Thanks to The Other Beth, Cartouche and Lea Lane for their contributions.