12 Myths about Men and Women Debunked with my Little Hammer
Whenever someone starts a sentence with “Men are…” or “Women always…”, I cringe. Sweeping generalizations about the sexes are silly at this point. We’re all bleeding into one another, changing, morphing. Plus, these stereotypes tend to be sexist in one way or the other.
So I’m here to smash a few of them with my little hammer.
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!
1. Men are attracted to looks and women to power and money.
Well, someone forgot to send me the memo or I wouldn’t have spent over 15 years dating a bevvy of broke-ass artists. And guess what? I love hot-looking guys, with or without power. And money means very little to me. (Trust me, I wish it meant more.)
2. Men are ruled by their...libido
Puhlease. Most guys are becoming increasingly desexualized in this computerized, fat-ass age. In order to be pursuant of women, you have to possess a certain moxy and prowess. In short, you have to have balls in order to be ruled by your cock. (Sorry for language. Dick. Pussy.)
Besides, by denying women of a strong sexual drive, we no longer have to fear their capabilities. They're too busy at home knitting and worrying about mildew to fuck your neighbor.
3. Women take forever in the bathroom
I spend time with a lot of guys. There isn’t one of them that is as quick as yours truly in the bathroom.
4. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus
Many of you know how much I really, really dislike this book. It’s up there with “He’s Just Not That Into You.” (Oh really? Like the stark reality of him not contacting me wasn't enough to drive home the point?)
I don’t believe men need caves anymore than women. That book is read predominantly by women who have to play some sort of game of emotional Twister in order to secure their unfulfilling relationships. “Oh Trish, leave Bob alone. He’s in his 'cave.'" Cave this. Until men begin reading similar books (which they don't - really) then develop your own flexible philosophy...that will undoubtedly change near constantly.
5. Men just can’t help themselves or men will be men or boys will be boys.
I call bullshit to this carte blanchery. It’s as if men are silly little puppies and women are in a special club of revered, highly self-disciplined angels. Guess what? I often can’t help myself. I’m a big tangled mess of compulsive behavior. Guess I'm not getting into the Angel Club anytime soon.
6. Women look pretty naked, men don’t.
Take off your clothes, send me the photos and I’ll be the judge.
7. When women have sex with one another, it’s titillating to watch. When men do, it’s gross.
Not for this woman. I like watching men have sex. I’m doing it at this very moment. (Shhh...here comes the good part.)
8. Women like to process and men just want to watch football.
Luckily, I know very few men that are into football. I know several women who are very into it. I do tend to process. But I have a substantial amount of female friends who quickly retreat to their "caves" when I want to talk to them about something personal.
9. Women look for long-term commitments and men hate to be tied down.
This is changing more and more. Women seem to be doing alright alone and aren't suffering from wedding bell blues. The thing I find disturbing is that many of the men I know who are "commitment phobes" have very little to offer. Nothing like protecting your nothingness!
10. Men are hunters and women are nesters.
First of all, I ain't a bird. And I've been "hunting" for decades now, thank you. It's a little thing I like to call "survival." With that said, I love nesting - making my home feel comfortable, cooking, hosting, etc. Maybe I can find some nesting man to steam me a cappuccino, rub my feet and fetch the daily news.
11. Men like a lady on their arm but a whore in the bedroom.
Nothing like having your own personal whore who pretties herself up in social situations. All for your pleasure, master. Maybe I'd like a whore in the bedroom and a gentleman on my arm.
12. Men just like the chase.
Men must really get off on marathons then.
But seriously, the implication here is that we must constantly be semi-detached and on-the-run in order to keep a man's interest. That sounds exhausting and just another way women need to adapt in order to keep their pappy happy.
I do recognize there are some very real differences between men and women. And of course, that's a beautiful thing. But most of these stereotypes are as constricting as a corset or a cockring.
I know some very sensitive, football-aversive, overly processing men who can't wait for a lifelong partner and some whisky-swigging, cave dwelling whores. And most who fall in between. And they all change as the years go by - evolving, devolving, what have you.
Personally, I've been around high-heeled, high-pitched women talking about weddings and Tupperware and felt like a real tomboy next to them. I've been around some fierce, powerful women who make me feel like a little pansy girl. I like all the relational sensations. But the more we rid ourselves of this Mars/Venus bullshit, the more freedom we allow ourselves to change.
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Comments
Rated for freshness!
I will sit through Project Runway, and the HGTV cornucopia of shows with her. I draw the line at Dancing with the Stars.
I think successful relationships include each partner leading and following, collaboration, compromise, conflict, and support. Relationships are just to damn complex to fit into neat little stereotypes.
I finally found someone who accepts and loves me for who I am flaws and all. It took almost my whole life to find her. I hope others can be as lucky as I am. Rated.
Mah, I was so going to include one point on nurturing. I went back and forth. I can be very nurturing - almost to a fault. But there are several women I know who hardly fit the bill. Unfort, I can't think of many men I know who I'd call nurturing - not in the conventional sense. I have some sporty guys who "nurture" my surfing, so that's nice. Its really beautiful to see how invested they get in my improvement. That's nurturing, in a non-traditional way.
O'Really, tell me when! I'm on it.
Lea, you are right. Generalizations abound. I almost didn't post this based on that fact. Who can tackle all of them? But then I saw that little hammer and got excited. I pretty much wrote a piece based on the little hammer!
Alan, couldn't have said it better. Wholeheartedly agree.
Thanks all.
I liked what OES had to say.
but I agree much in the way of our expectations of one another come from cultural conditioning because our cultural roles are subtly and not so subtly pounded into all of us. even when we don't think we're teaching, children are learning predetermined roles and our expectations of them from the second they take their first breath.
Those statements that start "Women always/never, are/do..." very seldom are true of me. I wonder why we have to keep defining what men and women are. It is as though it's a way to keep everyone controlled in gender roles.
BTW, Why is only the man doll in the picture apparently either fondling or inviting a fondling of his package? Stereotypes indeed!
Loving this post Beth, so true.
R
I remember the very old days when The Geek was starting school and the old ladies in my life were so happy to inform me that I had better get gussied up and prettied up when he came home (um, I was in school too) because there were pretty nurses looking for young doctors fresh from medical school. I didn't have the heart to tell them he was a geek in geek school, not medical school. Fortunately they are all gone now or they'd be calling him Dr. Geek. Me? I never did clean up well. Sigh.
And the scary dolls? Yikes. Chucky?
Funnier than Cintra Wilson, pound for nailed-it pound.
When agents and publishers come-a-knockin at OS, OS should say: this way to Beth Mann.
SERIOUSLY.
Love the hammer and all the thoughts you pounded under it. You turned all the generalized gender cliches around and showed we're all from Earth, some more evolved than others, no matter what their equipment.
rated for the term "carte blanchery"
Awesome!
If you get any naked pictures from guys wanting to know if they're pretty, could I help judge?
When the Mother Ship is finished and I leave, and all the generalizations just bounce of my deflector shields... see who will be crying then. Generally speaking.
funny post, beautifully written, substantive truths
nice to see some new faces.
Oh. Some men look pretty naked. Some women look pretty naked. If I like who you are, I will probably like the way you look naked. Beware!
A friend of mine who also blogs (not on OS) wrote a post several years ago, which began. "Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Get used to it."
Yes, indeed, do get used to it. It will be true, regardless...
(Beth, do you sell anything? Go to my blog and sell it.)
On the other hand, men are ruled by their libidos. Some of us just cover it up better than others. So to speak.
Didn't really read it rather a deft scroller I'm. More or less keeping my own name around.
R
For this guy roughly 50 years old who has been married thrice, women comprise life’s core “interest” (a bland stand-in for the more honest but word-heavy “riveting obsession that enthralls me wholly, mind and body, throughout all my waking and sleeping moments, limiting my cognitive and motor resources available for all other tasks at any given point in time to 40% of my inherent total capacities, tops”), …And I’ve come to the conclusion that Freud was on to something with his “Anatomy is destiny” mot. Just saying.
By the way, you’ve been among my OS faves from early, and it was those SHOTS (remember? Clint Thinks You’re a Slut?) …hanging laundry, straddling your surf-board, doing I-forget-what with a fireplace poker, etc. etc. …Mmmm! Slut good! . Got to me. You woman… you. Frankly, your writing mattered slightly less. A darn sight less! …Oh, just less. Sorry, didn’t mean to go all gonadal on you.
And something tells me that mine likely was a stereotypical “guy” response. On the other hand, women don’t typically respond to us guys with quite that slack-jawed, glaze-eyed, lizard-brained, “the itch is in my britches” immediacy.
[Rated for ovarian chutzpah.]
1. It is not socially sanctioned for women to be slack jawed. We're supposed to behave ourselves and worry about cough syrup and PTA meetings.
2. Most men (sorry guys) do not warrant slack jawitis. If I see a very well-dressed, well-groomed, good-looking man (which isn't all that often), I guarantee my friends and I will be looking and lizardy. Women are trained to look good - at all costs. Men get away with sweat socks and sneakers and baseball caps (ugh.)
3. Women's "horniness" is also forbidden. A horny woman = a slut. We're trained out of horniness at an early age. (Luckily they didn't get to me.)
In short, men have the freedom and the reasons to be slack jawed and lizard brained.
Back to my lukewarm coffee!
Is there some biological factors in play? Undoubtedly. But whenever I read about them, I'm always slightly pissed. It's always this "men can't help themselves" philosophy that's too self-flattering and unaccountable. Women have to help themselves.
Great list!
Great list!
"But women are more drawn to fame, talent, money, power, intelligence, whereas to men the shopgirl is as good as the barroness."
Much to say but perhaps women are more "attracted" to the qualities you mentioned for survival's sake. Men are still the power keepers and primary money makers and policy shapers in our society. So a man can afford to be with a shop girl or a baroness whereas women needs to be allied with someone deemed powerful. So is that real attraction, I wonder? Or is that strategy?
Besides, I think men do see the difference between a shop girl and a baroness. Status matters to men. I'm sure men are often attracted (or terrified, as the case may be) to powerful women or wealthy women or famous women, what have you.
I do agree re: your point on chemistry. That is the special magic factor that no one can stick in a neat male/female box.
If I was a smoker I would have to light up after reading.
And I agree with O'Really.
Frank, if men are stupid that implies women are smart and I can't handle that pressure. I'm feeling particularly stupid today. I just stapled my finger a few minutes ago. Blood. Everywhere. Dizzy.
And out of curiosity, how many necked photos did you get?
In my experience -- as a general rule -- people are stupid. People also exist on a gender continuum that has a few well-known markers but a whole lot of fuzzy quantifications in between. One long weekend in San Francisco and a few strolls through a couple of choice neighborhoods will prove it to anyone in living color.
If you get a pile of naked OS pics I'll be happy to help you judge; don't forget to put this one in the mix.
Lonnie, you are so right. The whole human race can be a blurry, perfectly imperfect mess. And always changing into a new blurry mess.
Oh and as far as #11 goes; Lady on my arm whore in the bedroom.
I prefer a slut both places. I don't make nearly enough money to afford a good whore.
++
Chickens.
"Women are weird. They’re passivity runs deep."
Oh, wait. That was you. In the (poignantly wonderful) post just before this one.