First???? Funny funny funny...except for: "Make you love me, finally...daddy"....otherwise, funny, funny, funny.

I resolve to find ways to use the word "truculent" in my own blog posts. That sounds almost as intellectual as "tautology" (though slightly less lewd).

It's my experience that mean enjoy being given lip when done properly.

I hope all of your wishes for 2010 come true - and then some.

"See emotional unavailability in others as a formidable challenge for go-getter types like me."

Thank you!
Finally! Somebody else who feels
this way, too. ;-)

Truculently laughing in the face of Father Time,

Good luck with wiping the smug off your face . . . I hear it smears something awful. Aw, hell, I know it does . . . I can't seem to get clear of it. Overall, though, definitely questionable resolutions. Happy New Year!

Trilogy, where were you when I needed editing help tonite? Hmmm...maybe I should toss Daddy.

Eva, truculent away!

Natalie, the menfolks like when a woman knows her place, lips sealed! Stop speaking like a heretic!

Spotted Mind, glad to see your part of the club. We have a cheer to learn.

this made me laugh out loud. especially tautology. what does that mean, anyway? cause i am stealing that one.

Your aspirations are in the right place!!
Good luck!

I'm hoping to have a very meretricious year as well.

And Buy more mirrors for company. That is a great tip.

Happy New Year.

@janie: Since I had to look it up I'll save you the trouble: In rhetoric, a tautology is an unnecessary or unessential (and sometimes unintentional) repetition of meaning, using different and dissimilar words that effectively say the same thing twice (often originally from different languages). (Thanks Wikipedia)

You really must learn to live for today, Beth. Carpe diem.

But seriously folks. What IS the difference between Xanax and Valium?

Great list. So many things to resolve so many things to resolve not to do. R

Great stuff. My resolution last year was to drink more even though I'm allergic to booze. This year, I think I'll stop being so moderate and even-tempered.

heheheee! I am forming a list in my head...this is very inspirational, Beth...xox

I'm on board with most of these. There may be a few generation disconnects, but WTF, I'll try Lick This. But I won't give up my Librium and Klonapin. I'd just like to add that trenchant is also an underutilized but powerful word. HNY, you holy hell raiser!

The last time I had Southern Comfort was 1977. I still can't stand the smell.

very very clever and cool stuff, beth. saying truculent is a lot better than being truculent, so i vote for that one especially.

but i gotta say: what's wrong with the equating wine and chocolate stuff? i thought i just had that figured out. ;

You know how I know you don't have kids, Beth? You use words like cunnilingus in your posts. I can't risk such a thing, and in fact will have to scurry around commenting on at least five other posts after this to erase it from my own page in case the boys are having a look.

I don't really have any quibbles with your aspirations and think we should all get on board. Oh, except I hate peas.

This is great. If you're successful with #21 it means I can look forward to seeing more of you on the Internet!

Happy New Year, Beth!

Out of curiosity, I just went over to Bambi's corner and asked if she knew what truculent means.

She replied "Yes, and I don't do THAT shit, you disgusting, sick, twisted, pervert!"

This Rocked! Awesome, awesome, awesome

OMG! Love it! I am coming up with a list in my hollow head as we speak!

Exorcising has been on my list for a long time, but apparently I was misspelling it. I think that's why it wasn't working.

Seems like you're in for an interesting 2010!

"Laugh in the face of others, with reckless abandon."

My personal favorite and one I may have to try - often.

Love your flavor Beth, as usual.

I am a reeling..................

If your retorts get any sharper and wittier you will be hosting your own late night show...which I would fully support. Happy 2010 Beth!

If you can only accomplish a fraction of that list, you'll come out the other side a better person. ~~snicker~~

Had to look up both tautology (which I still don't get) and truculent, which I did get. That's the problem with words. There are just so many of them. Happy Transformative New Year, Beth. You're one of my all time Favorites!

Great resolutions, Beth. But, for the love of Mike, please reconsider #1. It does not deserve another chance. It does not.

My wife pointed me to your blog - she said you were hilarious. She wasn't wrong. I particularly liked purge all the inexpensive food. She made me watch Julia and Julia with her - twice - so now all I want is gourmet everything. So, I'm adopting this as my New Year's resolution.

Thanks all! And Happy New Year to the lot of you crazy folk.

I had a LOT of fun with this list. I keep thinking of more deleterious resolutions. They are so much easier to come up with! Ha...

Trilogy, made change. Though I still hope daddy finally loves me. (He does. He's a good daddy.)

As for the difference between Xanax and Valium, my nurse friend would say there is none. They are both in the benzo family, I think.

As for Southern Comfort, I wouldn't touch that stuff if I turned suddenly alcoholic and it was the only booze left to drink. Truthfully, I did have an awful experience with that when I was a teen. I think I slept in a bush. Bleh. Even talking about it is making me nauseous!

Tautology away!

Funny, funny, funny, funny. And you are NOT kidding about the bi-polar trending. With all due respect to those here who suffer from it (and have been properly diagnosed) my cousin was diagnosed with this in the last couple of years, by a regular MD. When I suggested the family may want to get a second opinion, well....that didn't go over well.

But yes, funny, funny, funny and right on!

Please tell me you'll combine these resolutions, like Southern Comfort + creative cursing + gratitious use of 'tautology,' then blog about it about. :)

Beth, you are a tart treasure in every way. Just please resolve to keep writing here.

And a truculent New Year to you, too.

These resolutions are better than mine, believe me.
And you do need to keep quiet more and insult the menfolk less, young lady.

Well done Beth. I am inspired by this list. Inspired!!!

Happy New Year.

The "stop equating wine & chocolate ..." is hilarious. Christ I've been known to do that myself. Remember what those Southern boys said
"if you wanna get to heaven you gotta raise a lotta hell! What is that saying, something along these lines .... No woman has ever made history by behaving herself!

Outstanding, fun list. As for #2, I like the word "cockbite."

Could you pen a version for women of a certain age?

I'm turning this into a handout. Hilarious!

hilarious! i too think most days my mouth scares men away faster than the 'herp. long live lips that smack of sass!

"Start exorcising more"....yes! and "See emotional unavailability in others as a formidable challenge for go-getter types like me" love this....

"Stop equating wine and chocolate with cunnilingus and intercourse."

But you CAN'T stop doing this . . . it's so dirty and fun!

I'm printing this out and taping it to my refrigerator. Hilarious.

Beth,
You make my sides and brain hurt ... simultaneously. Great stuff. Except...

Don't you dare quit giving lip so the menfolk will like you more. Men who need or want that change aren't worth the lip to begin with.
Rated and appreciated.

Looks like 2010 is going to be a veeery interesting year.

No, sweetie. WE should be exorcising YOU. Now come over here and give big daddy a kiss. I've got some wine and chocolate for you.

Damn, Steve . . . .

Well that's just funny, I don't care who you are. Try assclowns and fuckmouths if you haven't already (as new vulgarities).

R

thank you for this

"burn the other cheek" made me laugh

you can have my Loverboy LP's when I put them up for sale on ebay

and I wish I really kept up with my penchant for cursing (once went on a 5-minute, non-stop roll of expletives, with no repeats). I expect to pick it up again to teach the skill to my son, but only after Child Protective Services won't take him away for practicing in school.
Here's a favorite I still use: when calling someone something untoward (e.g. asshole, douchebag, dick cheese, monkey fucker, etc.) and they retort with "where do you get off calling me that?" just respond, "well, I don't know you well enough to call you 'fuck-face,' now do i?"

All great ideas - except for the Southern Comfort. Glad you reconsidered that one. Funny stuff - Thanks for the laughs!

Wow girl, you have a merry Truculent New Year as well. Don't mix the hard stuff with the valium/xanax - you don't wanna pull an Anna Nicole! xxoo

Thank you Beth Mann - now I don't have to do mine, except to mention that lethargy will have its place from now on.

Also, I can not WAIT to tell the first Nazi Mommy at my daughter's school to "cunt off"

funny stuff

I hope you have a 2010 Boswell to document all this stuff. Rated for the best of intentions.

I have made a pledge to myself and an OS friend that I will work "cunt off, freakfuck" into a conversation. this will be my new years resolution - gone is the desire to get fitter and be a better person. Cunt off, freakfuck is my goal.

fig huh heehaw huh fink funker fuddle fitter fats cells fugacious Fu Manchu and say `Fubar!
Fugue. food. yummy.
goofy

Gosh, I thought you guys all forgot about me. I usually get an email saying a comment has been posted. I received several emails when I first posted this then nothing! I didn't know I had more comments.

Nice to see all of your bright, shining faces. And some new ones.

Some of the new curses are brilliant. Assclown, fuckmouth, cockbite.

And Stellaa, I AM in your age range, woman! I'm just having some arrested development issues.

Love it..my kind of New Year's resolution list. And I love the new swear words...I could use a few new good ones.

Funny! I almost fell out of my chair laughing.
Until I got to this:
"Bring back the glory that is Loverboy"
No, no, no. Why Loverboy? This goes past unhealthy into the realm of pathological. The suckiness of Loverboy is a logical tautology!

If you want to bring back the corny meatheaded rock glory of that era, let's just start with Journey (at least their guitarist can shred).

And what was up with all the sweatbands in Loverboy? Did Mike Reno have some sort of glandular issue that made him abnormally sweaty?

dick nose, choad monkey, fuckwit, knob gobbler, ass licker, spud monkey (virtually anything with "monkey" in it), cheese-eatin' bastard (when there are children present), chucklehead (my 3-yr-old's favorite), snot licker (really, licking anything gross), cunt cheese, smegma breath, shit stain, shit for brains...

"I'd slap you, but shit splatters."

Caccati i mani, e prendeti a schiaffe" (Why don't you shit in your hands, and hit yourself in the face) cursing someone out in foreign languages always conveys a superiority, as there is little room for retort. [please excuse my spelling, if not my pronunciation.]

"Suck my ass ['till my head caves in]."

(and I'm apologizing for this one now...)
"Cunt." And when you get the shocked, "What did you call me?" "Oh, I'm sorry, do you have another use?"

And I gotta agree with MJ about "Loverboy" ... sorry.

Talk about a group of genuine fartknockers.

...agree with everything but the 'Loverboy'

good luck in 2010

hot girls in love, why don't you turn me lose? the kid is hot tonight, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

now get those out of your head

Southern Comfort? Your setting your resolutions bar way too high. Or is it too low?

And may your evil ways...er...elegant ways become an adopted attitude for women everywhere... Happy New Year, Beth!

Rated for the sanctity and glory of wine and chocolate. And toking.

I had fun with this post. Its very freeing writing about negative stuff you're capable of doing. It gives you a chance to live out your bad side.

AND guess what? I actually really like Loverboy. I mean, some of their stuff sucks but I have their Best of CD and its pretty solid, man. The songs that good: The Kid is Hot Tonight, Turn me Loose, When it's Over, Lucky Ones. Ha...I like LOVERBOY. I love writing the comments toward the end of the posts cuz most people won't even read this....yeah, rock on.

Cunt off, freakfuck.

Sublimely Disfunctional! =o) I Love Them!

Loverboy is made of 100% fortified win flakes.

My brother walked past my room while I was listening to Lover Boy once. He listened for a moment then said with perfect condescension: "Hot girls in love, oh boy."

Please keep giving lip to men. The ones that are worth it will like you more for it, not less.

Tell me - which is the cunnilingus - wine, or chocolate?

Wonderfully funny and defiant.

Finally a few new year's resolutions to live by. I am cracking up in my cubicle, wondering if I could ever stop giving "lip" to make the menfoke love me more. I bet the guys in windowless vans can appreciate a little lip now and then, especially if you offer to share your Southern Comfort with them. Wit and sarcasm. My kind of gal.