"What?"
"You're giving your pussy away on a platter."
"I'm what?"
"You're coming across as desperate."
"I am desperate!"
My soon-to-be-ex friend Clint is explaining to me in his inimitable way that giving some guy my number last week went a little too far.
"I guess he was supposed to 'hunt' for it or some caveman bullshit like that?"
"Exactly."
Silence.
"Out. Get out."
And for the third time in a year, I threw Clint out of my house.
I don't seem to be winning here. For the first few years at the Jersey shore, I played it safe, not hooking up with any of the locals. Not that I had some great desire to; I'm always wary of men who wear more hair product than me. Yet somehow the more I tried to protect it, the more my reputation grew.
But nowhere did it cut so deeply as with my old friend, George.
George is an old, sweet, Jesus-looking, acoustic guitar-slinging hippie, beamed right from Woodstock. He dated my sister for many years when I was a child. He became a surrogate brother during that period: protective, kind and instructive.
He took me to see a meteorite shower one night at the Jersey shore, which still remains one of the most bright and shining memories of my life. As a child, I wanted to believe in magic so badly, but too many disheartening things had happened already to allow me that spiritual luxury.
But that night, as George and I watched the sky explode with light, I believed in magic once again. My soul lit up. From that point on, George and magic were indelibly entwined in my child mind.
When I moved back to the Jersey shore several years ago, George and I joyously reconnected, after decades apart. Picking up where we left off, he quickly became that watchful, warm friend, helping me whenever I needed. As someone who hasn't experienced much protective familial care or guidance, this was a huge gift.
He taught me how to make repairs to my car, found an old bike and fixed it up so I could ride it around the island (with a cardboard license plate that read "Beth"), he made a concoction of special oils for my surfing-induced ear infection and showed me how to tell the wind direction by letting sand run through my fingers - kind and gentle acts that fed some undernourished side of me.
After some time had passed, I noticed he hadn't invited me to his home. When I asked him about it, he told me that he was afraid his wife wouldn't understand our friendship.
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't she?"
"Well, she gets jealous."
"But we're just friends," I said, my neck tensing. It was disturbing to think that anyone would consider George as my romantic partner. Incestuous and creepy feeling.
"George, if you can't tell your wife you're here, its probably best we don't hang out."
"Oh...and you might want to grow some," I wanted to add but said instead:
"I'm nobody's secret."
But that wasn't true; I have been a secret. My friend David only calls me on his drive home from work, because he's afraid to talk to me in front of his wife. I've been friends with him for 20 years.
Robert and I dated when I lived in New York but he always felt uneasy bringing me around his "baby's momma." We remain friends but he still has an issue with it.
"I just don't want any problems with her or the custody of our kid. I don't want to upset her."
"But you have no problems upsetting me."
Before you tell me to toss these jerks to the curb, please understand: these are men who mean a lot to me. They have been my guardians and my mentors and my friends - all for a long time.
Besides, I did start tossing.
Shortly after George and I stopped talking, he came to my house, desperate for help. His wife had "found out" that he stopped by my house on several occasions and was going ballistic. Would I please go over and explain to her that nothing is going on?
"Oh god, George...you can't be asking this of me. You can't!"
He implored me. I finally relented. Before I left the house, he asked me to dress down. I put on a flannel shirt and a baseball cap, so I didn't appear the supermodel threat that I really am.
Entering their house was one of the braver moments in my life. The energy was palpable and hostile. I decided to swallow the poison as quickly as possible. Marching over to the kitchen sink, I stood behind his wife, her back to me. She was sniffing, as if she'd been sobbing.
"I'm Beth. I'm sorry you're upset. I've known George since I was 5. He dated my oldest sister. The thought of anything romantic with him makes me deeply uneasy. I can assure you nothing has happened nor would it ever. He's a friend and he's been a great help to me."
She didn't turn around. She simply asked me to leave.
I turned and walked out of the house...and away from a friendship I had since childhood. Occasionally, I see his wife out in the world and want to say, "Do you know what your petty insecurities cost me?" But of course, I know it's his responsibility as well.
He's doing it to protect his family, a friend countered. From what? Am I disease? What kind of marriage are you protecting when you have to resort to lies and cowardice just to maintain a friendship? What are you teaching your children? How to be in a deeply dysfunctional family that stays together at all costs? So they too can one day mimic your relationally twisted ways? "Gee, why does our daughter have an eating disorder." "Why is our son hooked on drugs." Protect them? Please.
And this is only one story. As I continue to "do the right thing", my scandal quotient grows. A 43 year-old woman who hangs around young surfers and acts free and sexual and creative and doesn't have children? What's wrong with her? Stone her!
"So why aren't you married? Why don't you have children?" I've been asked several times before.
Who knows how to answer that? "Um...I was busy doing stuff, I guess."
The truth of it is, the need to marry and procreate wasn't imbued in me, like other people. I didn't dream of a wedding dress or a fat rock to wear on my finger. That doesn't mean I don't want to get married or have a family...it just doesn't dictate my life.
That's one take.
The other? When you spend a lifetime simply trying to survive, battling depression and fostering relationships that you think might last but end up smashed into pieces over and over again, it eats up a lot of fucking time.
Clint knocks at the door.
"Do you want to go grab a beer?"
"You're an ass."
"Sorry about the pussy on the platter comment. Can I come in?"
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Margaret Hawke
500words
Beth Winegarner
BellemeadeBooks
Are You Talking French?
Lisbeth Cheever-Gessaman
Salon.com
Comments
and "When you spend a lifetime simply trying to survive, battling depression and fostering relationships that you think might last but end up smashed into pieces over and over again, it eats up a lot of fucking time."
yes...! ( but also I think its a little cool that you get to be the dangerous one while unhappy wives have to set up special rules applied only to you...in 2010....!.)
And doloresflores_d, so true. your comment hit my heart. thank you.
Another way to look at it is, if you were married, how would that change your relationship with these men? Not that your feelings of friendship would, but the time and energy and concern you would devote.
harry's ghost, good question. while i haven't been married, i have been in several long term relationships. i don't think it affected my friendships that much - never to a point where I had to lie about it or hide it, for sure. I realize people's priorities change, but in the cases mentioned in this story, it wasn't about a priority shift at all.
gordon, thanks for stopping by, my gray furry friend.
gabby, a change of name, huh? sounds like you understand this fun game.
harriet, words of wisdom, my dear. the 1900's would have been tough!
It just sucks that noone feels like they can trust their spouses.
And why, why, why, why, why must everyone have a label or association in order to be considered "safe?"
I repeat: You. Are. Fabulous.
desert rat, you are right - tricky waters to navigate but not impossible.
owl, i LOVE your comments. i truly do.
rated
(R) For Ovaries.
Interesting take. My ex husband had many female friends. I have always maintained that if the relationship had been more secure, I wouldn't have minded. But I may be guilty of some jealousy that was not healthy. Hmmmmm.
As someone who was single an awfully long time, I know this prejudice only too well. Being excluded, abandoned "unfriended" simply because I was an attractive female happened to me many, many hurtful times. I longed to tell one friend's spouse that if I had wanted her husband, I could have had him any time in the past 25 years but obviously, the facts bore out that I did NOT want him except as a friend. Sheesh. I didn't bother telling another that her husband had come on to me, I rebuffed him, and that we remained friends despite it all.
Recently, someone I don't know well tried to tell me that I was deluding myself for "allowing" my husband to spend too much time with female grad/Phd students and colleagues. The implication was that he would stray if I didn't keep a leash on him. My response was swift, because I don't take on other people's insecurities, paranoia and outright jealousy the way I once did. I told her that I trusted my husband and he had never given me any reason not to do otherwise, and the same applied to me. When she continued, I told her to mind her own business. I guess she won't be my "friend" any more either!
Fuck 'em, Beth. You're better than that. The way of the strong and principled is always, always hard slogging. I don't know why, but it is.
and i love the title, by the way:)
Better yet, savor that bad reputation. Its a badge of honor.
Beth: Jealousy with suspicion have been problems between women for millennia. Maybe that's because history shows more male infidelity than female (what today's statistics are, I couldn't tell you). Most women are afraid of being left on their own--and at midlife, this becomes most prevalent. That you are obviously not afraid to be on your own, moving through the world with your own pace, style, and so on, can mean it would be hard for some people to get where you're really coming from. And, I also think the obvious fear factor has to be the men's fear their womenfolk might fear the worst and fear themselves out of union or out of synch.
You're straight arrow. I don't imagine that's easy to catch for the average attachment holder. Just a thought.
R for interesting take on life.
The answer to questions about one's marital status, etc., is, "Explain to
me why this is any of your business."
Beth: that says it all. That is what you get in that kind of relationship. Dear girl: you will find someone who cares about you for you. I have faith. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. Ribittttttt. Great Post. R-
stay who you are, beth. (r)
I hear a point made several times: that sometimes when you're married, that significant other becomes your sole/soul source of friendship - or simply, your priorities change. In the case of this woman and this story, that is not the case.
And yes, sometimes I embrace my racy badge of honor! That's for another piece!
Again, thanks for all of your comments. I value each one and read them repeatedly.
And as someone else said - it's no one's business but your own.
"When you spend a lifetime simply trying to survive, battling depression and fostering relationships that you think might last but end up smashed into pieces over and over again, it eats up a lot of fucking time. " That describes me to a T. Mind if I borrow it at some point for my blog? :)
I have a friend, though, who works in the legal profession--divorce situations--who has said ever since I've known her that it's the platonic friendships that eventually break up marriages. (She is referring to a litany of specific cases, not just her opinion). She says that it's the old shoulder to cry on thing--it's always nice to have that supportive person in your corner if your current argument is with your spouse. I relate well to men and notice that even here on OS it's often the men I agree with and am drawn to. So I don't tend to take my friend's advice, but I have made it a policy never to send any negative signal about my husband to FB or OS friends who are men. I know it's stupid, but it would be a betrayal and I guess I would hate the thought of my husband discussing me and/or our problems (and there are always problems of course, no matter the marriage) with a sympathetic single woman.
My instinctive reaction to your piece is one of sympathy and comradeship. But I would be lying if I said I didn't understand the niggling concern of a of a (happily, even) married woman who thought you were gradually supplanting her as the recipient of her husband's private thoughts. It sounds more like you were a surfing buddy to these guys, and that's a different matter entirely. I think I would either invite you over and make it a threesome of hanging out or say, "Please, take him surfing b/c it's not my thing" as I do with softball and the women my husband plays with. But if it evolves into something deep and reflective and private, then it's only natural for a wife's radar to go off.
PS You're welcome to take my husband surfing any day, btw. He's awesome at all the sports he plays and I think he tends to avoid the ones he's got no experience with. Hence, the fun of seeing him surf with you as he's never done it before. :)
At the same time I have to wonder if there is more going on with Clint and his wife and you are just the excuse. Maybe they should consider counselling.
And you know how to surf.
And you learned how to fix your car.
And you know self-defense, yeah, I remember that post.
And hell, can you write! (twice just in case.)
I wish I could say that what happens is unfair. I mean, it is. But for many women who have been raised to put all their self-worth on their relationship, someone as cool as you can be very unnerving. It doesn't justify anything and it sure as heck is very hurtful. You deserve better.
I mean, just sayin'
Here's something fun: Try turning these questions around to get them to examine their unexamined assumptions. "Why did you get married?" Or challenge their invasiveness and presumption: "Why are you asking? Why do you care whether I get married or not?"
Fun to read this...r...my work here is done! Thanks!!! ;)
Though this already drags on too long, I will continue, allowing you to decide when/where to switch it off...
Were we to drop into sharing from a subtler awareness in this discourse, we would begin to acknowledge the validity of certain ideas, such as the fact that no human being is infallible, or completely trustworthy, except in works of romanticized fiction. Though there may be those who have transcended personality/ego/desire, rising to a higher divine life aligned with complete trustworthiness, one really cannot tell. One may completely trust God, but that's up to the degree of devotional surrender of the individual. To claim that people should 'just get over it and be more trusting' is to deny the vast evidence of human nature...because most humans are not sublimely awakened to a conscious plane of detached divine surrender beyond the illusions of personal/emotional ownership.
And, it is very easy to translate feelings of human closeness of one type---f'rinstance those of a long, comforting platonic friendship---into a shared sense of sexual closeness...all it takes is a mere flipping of a switch---a switch called 'choice'--- in the mind, especially if that switch flips in both minds simultaneously. And it isn't merely a matter of the trustworthiness of the individuals involved; it is also a matter of knowing that physical vehicles, like planetary bodies, have their own attractive elements and instincts. Bodies have their own way of responding to bodies in proximity to each other, often despite the high character of the personalities associated therewith.
Yes, it is easy to judge jealousy; it takes a certain degree of unconsciousness to respond with the controlling hositility of jealously. Yet even that degree of unconsciousness does not invalidate the fact that George's wife has intuitively but accurately perceived some subtle energetic foundation of intimacy between you and George, to provoke an instinctual, distrustful response in his wife. It is an ancient instinct, for sure, an instinct I suppose is designed to keep the man around to provide food and security for the mother while she's home raising babies. It would be a bitch if she lost him to a hot woman half her age...
Consider the possibility that everything is unfolding perfectly. Perhaps the universal mind itself has initiated this unfoldment and separation between you and George, so that your subtle inner "energetic line for intimacy" is more completely free, open, ready to engage with a person who is right and ripe for intimate sharing with you...and whom the universe will immediately send to meet you, if not having done so already. It doesn't hurt to periodically clear the static, the distractions, the residue of the past...to clear the runway for a new ship to land.
I totally get this ;0)
"A 43 year-old woman who hangs around young surfers and acts free and sexual and creative and doesn't have children? What's wrong with her? Stone her!"
Keep that scandal quotient growing!
You're right about some individual's insecurities forcing others to make sacrifices.
I have felt it from other women, and I'm not tall or particularly attractive. I'm quite charming, and that dynamic seems to go south rather quickly, as whatever I do is offensive to a jealous woman. I'm a fierce feminist, and want to yell at these women that having friends from different walks of life is healthy for the relationship. Meanwhile, I'm pushing Kevin on men - boyfriends, husbands -when really he is much happier surrounded by women.
The premise that he would leave me for another is based on the fact that there would be an acceptable reason for that. If he met someone who was better for him than me (and believe me, undoubtedly many people are better for anyone than me- I might not throw them an engagement party, but I would look at the healthy aspect of the relationships and draw a conclusion.
I think one of the core aspects of this piece, dear Beth, is the idea of female jealousy. It bothers me. If you don't trust me why in the hell are you calling to talk crap about your boyfriend?
Gender differences are always going to lead to some tension. but if you can't tell the difference between a woman (or man or monkey or giraffe) who is trying to steal your mate, and a woman who is as willing to be friends with you as with your mate, a little relationship 101 might be in order.
Who made it that this is how relationships exist, anyway? Moving toward a place where we embrace every relationship - including the childless whore of babylon (me) being friends with your husband might be the way to move forward.
You should have gone over in full makeup and high heels and outfit - drag - and asked her if that was her preference. Sheesh.
That's it for now - but another brilliant piece, Beth.
I'm lucky, I guess, that Kevin likes hanging out with gangs of mouthy feminists. He truly loves women - and that's awesome.
You are a glorious non-idiot.
The next time some asshat asks you why you're not married with children, simply reply (even with a smile), "Because I don't want to be like you."
I can't speak for the women, but when George asked you to go speak to his wife, that was the lowest. "Grow a pair" is exactly what you should have told him.
"The other? When you spend a lifetime simply trying to survive, battling depression and fostering relationships that you think might last but end up smashed into pieces over and over again, it eats up a lot of fucking time. "(r)
My sweetie and I have utter trust with each other, and I am glad for his women friends. I'd rather know about him needing to hang out with them (and for some of them, they just need a normal stable guy to help with stuff) then find out about the secret friendship he thought he had to keep from me. I have been jealous before in other relationships, but as someone else pointed out, that comes from a shaky relationship. If your buddies are comparing their wives to you, you will lose.
I discovered that while I was gone, my grandmother no longer knew who I was. So, later I called a childhood friend - the one who took me to the prom though we never really dated. Instead I got a call from his mother saying that he was married and couldn't speak to me anymore.
Apparently, being married means to some that they can no longer even acknowledge any friends they ever had who were of the opposite sex. In any case, what was meant to be a one week journey became 3 due to emergencies and heartbreak. I made an 18-hour nonstop drive home and arrived very late on a Monday night, sad and feeling broken. The next morning was the 9/11 attacks and I felt I had absolutely no one on the planet with whom to console, feeling utterly abandoned in the world by those whom I most loved and trusted.
It's not fair. Friendships are meant to survive through thick and thin. Jealousy and suspicion ruin perfectly good relationships. I know my husband (now ex) got extremely angry when he learned I was corresponding with an old friend who was then serving in Iraq - as if I could have had an affair with someone on the other side of the planet in a war zone.
If I had anything encouraging to say, it would be for you just to be who you are. It's OK to never marry. It's perfectly ducky being too busy living a life to stop and have kids.
You do not have to apologize for not living the life others think you should want. If they were so happy with their own lives, they would not need to tell you how to live yours. So long as you harm none, please do as you will.
There are wives who are extremely territorial, they may even have self-esteem issues that lead to jealousy issues. There's all kinds of reasons this sort of thing happens.
Best to steer clear, unfortunately.
I think it's true of writers and comedians alike. Those who have the most painful, difficult lives are the ones who shine above the rest. All of that torture funneled into talent. You, my dear, are the real deal.
Bah, you're better off without these losers. Thanks for the story. Well done.
well, I should say I would love it if they made it a point to explain the nature of the relationship first.
fun read, Beth Mann... you always are xx
Good for you for not being his secret. Shame on him for screwing up a good friendship!
check out my blog, heres my url
http://open.salon.com/blog/jvy_flx
its really not a waste of time. promise.!
there is noting wrong with you! you're a groovy gal - keep at it and thanks for sharing.
Sadly, my own experience over a lifetime has proven her wrong. I had lots of male pals -- best friends even -- that I would have done in a heartbeat but they wanted to be only friends. Sometimes years later I found out they had more than a friendship interest but I must have been emitting radiation or something at the time.
I think a good philosophy for everyone is that we should be friends only with people we can meet in public and bring home to our partners. If one is so predatory that one cannot trust HIMSELF (which is the impression I get of George, et al), then stay home with the little woman.
Some quick observations:
1. As for the "other side" mentioned by several, I wrote the piece to counter "the other side" which I hear too often. This was a piece based on THIS side of the equation. I think most people get the other side and don't understand the pain and shame around being someone's secret for no good reason.
2. While I appreciate the advice, these are works. They aren't pure fact. Or even if they are, they're pieces of writing, first and foremost.
3. CrazeCzar, hopefully I'm one of your fave writers because of my writing, not based on my opinions. And no, I'd never have lunch with you in secret. Funny you would even ask that after reading this! Ha...
4. Lainey, I wonder if platonic friendships break up a marriage, or the distance that was already forming in the first place, making platonic friendships more of a real threat. A chicken/egg thing.
As for inviting anyone over (as several of you suggested), no thanks. Again, (if this piece is factual), I'M the one offended and ostracized after doing everything right. Someone should be inviting me to tea, not the other way around.
That's the point I was trying to make - that kind of secrecy is hurtful to the receiver, regardless of the reason. NO reason - in my opinion - justifies making someone your dirty little secret. It implies a problem in the relationship, NOT a problem with me.
So much more to say, many thoughtful comments. Will try to return but thank you all. Good feedback, smart people.
You wrote about this so eloquently I really felt it. Not the least of reasons being because I have been a secret myself...advice giver and stylist of married men who found me...er..charming, but with whom I was not involved. I knew women would be hurt, I suppose, and finally ended un-open friendships.
Men have a tendency to think deception is the best route. Oh how often that backfires.
Your friend's wife though....hmm...She needs help. Of the psychological sort. That's a bit irrational....it's his keeping it from her that made is so scary for you, I would bet.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I too am childless by choice, and up until the last few years, have spent most of my life scrambling to live and being creative and all the things that keep chicks like us from doing hearth and home and family...much as certain aspects of it might appeal..
We are very much alike. Which for me usually means I loathe someone or REALLY LIKE THEM A WHOLE LOT. guess which one you are?