As a single American female in my 40's, I feel it my duty to impart sagely advice to as many young men as possible. As a surfer, I am provided that opportunity. Many young men have approached me with pleas of guidance. And I’m happy to impart.
23-year old Derek has a new girlfriend, he explains to me out in the Jersey waters one steamy morning last week. I congratulate him. He takes a big wave fearlessly and effortlessly. He paddles back and takes a big sigh. I know what’s coming next.
“I’m not so sure about the…sex.”
I take an even bigger sigh.
“What about the…sex.”
“I’m…I’m just not sure she’s having an orgasm.”
“Well, she’s probably not. She’s probably faking it.”
“She said she's having them, but I don’t think she is. She just kinda screams the same way each time and, well…it doesn’t sound very real.”
I ask him to replicate the sound she makes. He does. I ask him to do it again. He does. I’m tempted to ask a third time, but don't want to tempt the gods of funny.
“Hmmm…maybe your technique is lacking. Are you just fucking her mindlessly like a rabbit, without really figuring out what pleases her?”
“Well, not like a rabbit but…”
“Do you go down on her?”
“I did. Once.”
“Wow. Once, huh? What was it, a Christmas present or something?”
“It’s just…I don’t know.” He starts playing with the wax on his board.
“Are you gay?”
Derek stammers and tries to spit out a response, but he’s too aghast. I take a wave and take my time paddling back out to him. He needs to sit with that one for a minute.
“NO! I’M NOT GAY!” he screams at me from afar. Other surfers look his way.
“Then I don’t know why you wouldn’t go down on her. If I were a straight man, you couldn’t keep me away. Is it a hygiene issue?”
“No…no. I just figured, well…I’m doing enough!”
A case of sexual laziness at the ripe old age of 23. Nice.
“Listen, most women take longer to orgasm than men. You have to seduce her, take your time. You have to see what pleases her. And I can almost guarantee you that going down on her pleases her. Trust me. Does she go down on you?”
“Oh yeah, definitely,” he responds proudly.
“Well, she’s not your sexual workhorse. Get busy, man.”
Derek looks deeply into the sparkling waters, concern shrouding his face. I’ve shaken him up a little, I know. It’s been a long week. Had a costly car repair, dealt with a major tax issue and barely talked my way out of a speeding ticket. I wasn’t done imparting my wisdom yet.
“Have you ever thought of a little S & M?”
“What? Like hitting her?”
“Yep. Hitting her.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know. You usually start with the ass. You can move on from there.”
“What if she doesn’t like it?”
“Then slap her harder. Make her like it. Show her whose boss. And try talking dirty to her.”
“What should I say?”
“You want some of this, bitch? Then beg me for it, you filthy little slut….that kind of thing.”
Derek’s jaw is dropped. An incoming wave almost knocks him off of his board.
“Okay, okay. Maybe that’s a little too extreme. Sorry. Just whisper in her ear, ‘You want me to fuck you harder, baby? Is that what you want? Say it. Yeah, baby. There you go. Just take it. Take it, like a good girl.'”
I do this in my breathiest, perviest voice possible.
Derek is wide-eyed and speechless.
“You’re crazy.”
"Like a fox, my friend."
He goes for a wave. For a second, I think he’s going to exit the water. But I know he’ll be back for more. He wants it. Bad.
He paddles back out to me.
“Derek, I just want you to improve your game. There are a lot of surfers out here who’d happily go down on your girlfriend. She’s a hottie. You don’t want to lose her.”
“Well, she’s not going to leave me because I’m not going down on her.”
“I would.”
He looks wounded, angry.
"I mean, not right away. She'll stick around for a while. But ultimately, it's grounds for dismissal."
“Okay, fine. I will.” He folds his arms tightly against his tanned hairless chest, exasperated.
“Listen, go down on her because you want to, not because you’re supposed to. A woman can tell the difference. It’s not like I asked you to mow the damn lawn or something. And don’t worry about the orgasm thing. It will come when it comes...ha! That’s a joke. Get it?”
“Ha. Ha.”
He takes a small wave in and wipes out for some strange reason. He starts heading back to the beach.
"And Derek!"
"What?" he turns around, annoyed.
"Fix something for her. That's always sexy."
He grumbles something.
“Next week, we’ll talk anal!” I shout cheerfully. The other surfers glance over at me.
I look around me at the vastness of the ocean, thoughtfully. Tonight, I will bring some young woman a little closer to an orgasm. It’s a small contribution to the world, I know. But I feel pleased nonetheless.
"Anal." I repeat and smile.
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Margaret Hawke
500words
Beth Winegarner
BellemeadeBooks
Are You Talking French?
Lisbeth Cheever-Gessaman
Salon.com
Comments
you already have mentored
derek
as well as neilpaul, and neilpaul is a damn maniac with words
and will help the rest of his 20something crowd,
and
there will be alot of gals having
involuntary muscular contractions
in all the right places all over america, or the world.
tell mr smooth-chest derek that he's gotta dive in, man,
and ride the waves.
doing enough,ha.
he knows absolutely zip about wimminz.
enough, ha.
Poor Derek. I'd tell the lad to get her twitching. That twitch don't lie. And if they're twitching then it won't be long before they're squirting. But if he had her twitchin' and squirtin' he wouldn't be asking you if she was 'really' coming, would he?
Derek could spend a lot of his life waxing his board if he doesn't listen up.
I live near the beach. I have my own stretch of beach too.
What in the name of all that's hairy do you recommend for the Rest of the Worlds Youth. Olympic Anal 2012.
Rated with an Arse Wipe.
great piece, beth. delighted to see the literary content-o-meter shot up when this went live.
Only one organ in all of creation whose sole purpose is pleasure. Hint: guys don't have one.
Speed Kills.
::glubglubglub::
I am now living in South Jersey, so, GO JERSEY!!
R
You're funny as hell and can write like the spawn of Shakespeare.
And, rw, you're a good guy. Have those romping kids arrive soon; but beware--they have a habit of growing up. . .fast
-R-
Why did we even have sex in our twenties? (oh cripe, I'm joking.)
Thanks, Beth. I needed this.
As for the content and for what its worth, I think that you may be trying to move these young men along a little too fast in the verbal department. It is enormously difficult to get young men to say anything at all while making love with a young woman. Hence, one aspect of the value an older woman would have for them. She would make them say something, for chrissakes.
And so with the especially dense cases in the strong, silent category, I suggest you start them with something easy. Tell them to say the Pledge of Allegiance in order to get used to hearing themselves talk if that is all they can muster at first. Then work up to something like “You want some of this, bitch? Then beg me for it, you filthy little slut…."
I mean, I don't know anything personally about this. I am just passing along material that I have read in books.
"A case of sexual laziness at the ripe old age of 23. Nice." Yep. Keep it up, I think you're on a mission from God.
Fun and enjoyable read - and well written as usual Beth.
ps I dont really see what is jaded about this advice. blunt, maybe, jaded, I dont think so. but yeah, I do admit from your other blogs you definitely have a jaded, bitter side, haha
Goddamn I sure do love kitty-kissin', but, you already knew that did-n-cha ... Mahalo for keeping this important topic front and center, er, center and front ...
Aloha Kakou
Back in the 80s, I was a volunteer phone counselor for San Francisco Sex Information, which is a program of workshops and a switchboard that you can work to pay for the workshop. Everyone I knew did it, so I thought it would be fun. On my shift, everyone except me, even the boy, froze at the thought of having to explain anal sex to callers, usually young gay boys. After a while, it became normal for people to put the caller on hold and say, "Sirenita, it's a butt-fuck call. Can you take it?"
Glad you set him straight Beth.
I found this out on my own.
Certain sentences take on a rich new meaning when you shout them to one another across several feet of surf. =o)
rated
Young guys today learn fast that there's little pay back for making some women happy.
Have you ever surfed at Pleasure Point?
At What Pace (clearly the best OS name), I don't know. I really don't know. When men started losing their sex drive and becoming wimps.
Diane, it can take women a while, re: orgasms. They can be allusive. And with men like Men-on-Mars, its no wonder it took you a while. And no, I don't think I have surfed Pleasure Point. (Funny surf spot name considering this blog entry!)
I'd be willing to bet that young Derek is very good-looking. I've found that attractive people--male AND female, I hate to say--tend to skew towards the lazy end in bed (believe me, I've done the field research). As for the light S&M you suggested, that will be great if the girlfriend turns out to be submissive, but what if her as-yet-undiscovered kinks (should she have any) skew towards the dominate side? Also, I have to add that power play (hitting, etc.) is great, but it can be like stepping on a landmine if it comes out of the blue. I'm *very* pro BDSM, but if the slapping around isn't premeditated or wanted, it could be interpreted by the girlfriend (or the authorities) as domestic violence. Power play is great (I love it), but sometimes people have triggers that come from, say, a history of non-consensual physical or emotional abuse that a partner may not even know about.
That said, when I was Derek's girlfriend's age, I didn't know that I liked the occasional "abuse," physical and otherwise. Nowadays, I can (and do) ask for it. But I'm not sure what I would've done if one of my surfer boyfriends had hauled off and hit me without warning. Still. You're definitely putting him on the right track.
Also, I wonder if she goes down on him? I bet she does, every time.