Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

Editor’s Pick
JULY 6, 2012 1:23PM

I Want to Be Micromanaged by Tom Cruise

Rate: 47 Flag








I don’t have the movie star hots for Tom Cruise. I don’t even like him much as actor. He seems like a shiny little alien. But a while back, in a crowded line at the grocery store, I read about his controlling behavior toward his wife at the time, Katie Holmes.

Apparently, poor Kate was stuck in a “Cruisian prison.” And her husband possessed special mental powers that made her comply with his wishes. A Crusian mindlock.  

As I struggled to manage my bags of groceries, I dreamt of becoming a fellow captive with ol’ Kate. Her alien husband can like, totally be in charge of my life.

I wouldn’t have to fumble with all these bags if under Tom’s spell. I wouldn’t break out in a cold sweat as the cashier processed a credit card that’s just about tapped.

It’s easy street with Tom and me. He tells me what to eat, when to bathe, what to wear, how to cut my hair. He tells me how long to sleep, who I can talk to and who my eyes should fall on when he’s not around. When Kate pulls me aside to plan our great escape, I break free of her bony grip and run back to Tom, asking him what he wants me to do next.

He tells me, firmly and with authority, how to manage a number of annoying situations in my life, like my health insurance denying a recent claim or my leaking toilet. He tells me the cause of the weird whistling sound my car is suddenly making and sends it in for repair. What doesn’t Tom Cruise know? He knows everything.

Sure there’s the Scientology issue. This could be a problem since I avidly dislike having religion shoved down my throat. But Tom would like the challenge. Everyday, he’d try to convert me and every day, I’d be this close to letting him. Then I’d say, “Let me think about it, Tommy.” He’d remind me that he does the thinking for us. Then he’d slap me. Hard.

So I convert to Scientology. (What choice did I have? Cruisian mindlock baby.) I purposefully do things to upset him, like wearing scantily clad outfits and acting trashy in public. He lectures me. He punishes me. He even grounds me for two weeks. And I’m not mad. I think it’s high time I was grounded for a couple of weeks. Put me in my place. Give me some time to think about my behavior.

Of course, I’d love this controlling behavior to translate into rough, steamy sex but unfortunately, it doesn’t. He withholds sex for me. It’s part of his master plan (or so he says. Not sure if I quite believe him.) On the sly, I have sex with my suave and militant personal trainer Paulo. 

But Tom catches me in the act! I’m grounded once again, this time for a whole month (!). I lay facedown, crying at pooside. Tom walks by. “I’m sorry, Tom Cruise. I’m sorry!” He marches away abruptly and I pull out the cocktail I have stashed under my lounge chair. (It’s a peach margarita. Made with real peaches, of course! My personal chef Kenneth makes them for me. Delish.)

My Cruise-based fantasy life is ruthlessly cut short when one of my grocery bags breaks open, the contents spilling all over the icy cement. (And of course, the effin’ eggs have to be in that bag.)

As I chase rolling eggs around the parking lot, I look up to the heavens and whisper, “Tom Cruise, help me now. Please!” And you know what? He appears by my rusty 1990 Toyota truck with that eerily dazzling smile of his. I begin to cry with relief. He says, “The struggle is over. I’m here now.”

A bodyguard grabs the bags from my arms and leads me into the passenger seat. Tom takes the keys from my coat pocket and starts the car. The whistling sound is gone. It’s gone! Tom Cruise’s mere presence has fixed my car. As we drive home, he tells me to cross my legs. I look like a slut, he says.

My pleasure, Tom Cruise. My pleasure.


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...and you also have a typo in your post title.
I had to rate this because, uh, well you know it gives me the chance to tell you to put "be" in the title where it belongs. Now... Right now.'s fixed.
To be or not to be, that is the question!! :D

Still, great post, comedy and erotica all rolled up into something that could be a movie on the Disney channel! :D
I'm glad you re-posted this --
I'm one of those weird people who thought his jump on Oprah's couch to be a refreshing sign he might be human -- and one of the first signs he'd shown he has emotions -- and the world beat him up for it.
Hey, the guy emoted instead of his usual impenetrable mask.

Back to normal thought -- love this funny post.
Good luck to you, Katie!

What stories those 3 wives could tell! Fun Post! R
I think he is handsome and talented. I don't get all the Tom Cruise bashing of late. My husband and I love his MI films, his stunt work, and his craft as an actor. I think he deserved an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire. Yes, he was that good. ... Despite my fandom, I still enjoyed this funny, witty piece. Classic you, Beth: high energy, insightful and cute. :) R.
He's available again. Just sayin'.
Well, dammit, I agree with Deborah. I have loved Tom Cruise's work since I first laid eyes on him in Risky Business. I have never understood why it has become so fashionable to bash him as an actor. Now off-screen is a different kettle of fish. I don't know him off-screen, so I just think it's all pretty much none of my business.

Now. @Beth -- you are hilarious and your fantasy sounds pretty darned good to me. But wouldn't he insist that you ride in his Ferrari instead of your 1990 beater truck?

L, you have a point. God, I don't know if I'll be able to give up my old truck for Cruise. We might have a sticking point there. Does his Ferrari have brakes? Probably. Well, okay...then maybe. And air conditioning? Yep, probably. Damn, he's got me again! I'm his slave!

As for his acting, good points Deborah and L. I'd have to say my feelings are distinctly mixed in that department. Like Nicole Kidman (or Nicky as we call in the Family), they seem chilly in their approach, so I just trouble...feeling for them when they act.

With that said, he's highly proficient. And who would expect anything less from him? He's an extreme perfectionist and it pays off in his acting.

For the life of me, I can't think of too many movies where I was affected by him...reviewing them all in my head. Believe it or not, maybe...what's the "Show me the money" movie...Jerry McGuire? Spelling wrong probably. Only because he seemed highly flawed so it broke down that perfection wall a bit.
Just make sure Tom picks up your Scientology audit bills - don't get into debt! (Maybe a new economic crisis will be triggered by Scientology defaults!).
I will bet that the whistling sound was a loose fan belt. See, you don't need Tom for everything.
...or perhaps a worn-out alternator. I better ask Tom. Anyway, funny piece.
Howling here! I've gotten lost in similar thoughts in the grocery line before the irritated lady behind me whacks my heels with her cart because ,don't I know? I am supposed to put the divider down immediately after putting my items on the belt, then move forward to shove the lady who is taking too long to pay. R for rules!
I think that an actors performance or art should be rated differently from his or her marital performance. My father would not go to see a movie with Ingrid Bergman in it because she had an affair with Roberto Rosselini. I would still want to see T. Cruise in an action film. But I'm way too old to fantasize about kids like him. Me?
I like the old guys. Say...Sean Connery? Being alive is important, though. Hope he is still around. If you know him, please tell him I'd like a meet-up.
"stuck in a Cruisian prison"
Great line - great post.
Not a fan of Cruise or his belief-set (I know, I know, the Thetans will come after me), but this was laugh-out-loud funny.
When I'm waiting in the supermarket check-out line gazing at the tabloid covers, I don't even know who the people are. A blonde girl holding a baby. Another blonde girl in a tiny swimsuit. A blond man looking like he's drunk. Frankly, I'm more tempted to gaze at the arrangements of candy and gum.
@greenheron: heehee -- I know what you mean : )
@Matt: I'll never stop liking him. You can't make me stop. :-P ... Forget his Scientology B.S. and failed marriages. Objectively speaking, he's played some really good roles:

Risky Business
Far and Away
Top Gun
Jerry Maguire
MI (the franchise)
Knight and Day
Minority Report
Rock of Ages
Interview With the Vampire
A Few Good Men
The Outsiders
Born on the Fourth of July
You know what I thought about? Katie Holmes had Tom's poster on her wall as a teenager; she has a huge crush on him. And her dreams came true and turned into a nightmare. Same thing with Princess Diana: she had a picture of Prince Charles on HER wall growing up; her dream came true and turned into a nightmare and her premature death. Be careful what we wish for.....rated.
A man any real woman could hate :)
We all need our saviors. Funny piece.
I liked "Risky Business." That was it. He creeps me out.
Love this piece, though. ~r
I know a film he starred in I really hated (and I don't use that word often...okay, well sometimes): that Stanley Kubrick debacle. Ugh. I wanted to gauge my eyes out...wait, wasn't it about eyes? Eyes Wide Shut! UGH. ERGH.

I'd like to see him on Broadway. If he can hold his own in a heavyweight, traditional role, like Tennessee Williams or the like. I wouldn't be surprised if he could. Again, very capable. Just missing a heart/soul element I need to feel empathy for his character.

I'll still vote for Jerry Maguire. I could feel his struggle of a man trying desperately to stay at the top of his game, but just couldn't do it anymore. It was him, really, falling. Kind of similar to Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment. Or Michael Douglas in Falling Down. The wall comes down just a little. Or Nicholson in About Schmidt.

Deborah, woman, you are ON to something. I think we can all tell at least one tale about a dream coming true in the most nightmarish of ways. I have a couple.

I will say kudos to Ms. Holmes for growing some and strategizing and getting the hell out of Dodge. Didn't think she had it in her, frankly.

Greenheron, too funny. I still don't know who the eff the Kardashians are...and I DO hope I never do.
This is the best thing I've read in a really long time. And also, the plot to 50 Shades, five years before...
I know this was tongue-in-cheek Beth, but I've actually met "Hollywood" wives of Scientologists and there is no "let me think about it." They put you in a sauna for days on end with barely enough water to survive while three of them sit with you and proceed to brainwash you until you say "yes." It's not pretty...
Typo? What typo? I guess I've got studying to do. Loved the piece - funny and so right on about the whole Tom Cruise Stepford-wife type thing he has going. Very strange duck.
great post, beth. sorry about those eggs, though. :( and i'd say something about wishes, but it's just not snark day.
That suspiciously looks like the eye-patch I just purchased from Wal-Mart.
Amusing piece Beth. It reminded me of a Ferry Garcia interview where he said that on some level they were willing to sell out but no one was buying.

As for Mr. Cruise`s acting, he`s been at least competent in everything I`ve seen and very good in The Firm and Born on the 4th of July. I think he gets harshly judged because of his pretty boy looks, just as Redford did for quite a few years.
I LOVE this. You had me laughing my ass off!!!

Er, Jerry Garcia.

And, Cruise actually was involved with Thomas in the development of the role.

Superior movie and it made Aimee Mann.

I liked Magnolia, but -- Cruise (and Aimee Mann's music) are high points. The entire movie arc had an Altmanesque lack of coherence. Although parts were outstanding.
Paul Thomas Anderson

Apparantly Cruise is a fan of his work.
First of all, you're brilliant. I enjoyed this very much. Second of all, you're going to be okay. No one tells you but there is hope and that light at the end of the tunnel? It's not a train. Tom Cruise or a mom....hmmm. Toss up.
What the grocerie store can do to the imagination!!! Rated, it was like the descriρtion of a dream... Oh, and what Matt, wrote!!
Very amusing. I'm attempting a novel about getting sucked into a cult, which rather than marriage (or whatever) is what your piece really reminds me of. The only reason I can see for getting sucked in is that maintaining one's own life and ideas is work, and being made into a zombie seems almost like relief.
I don't like him. The only movies I have ever seen that he appeared in are The Outsiders because I taught that book at a public school and Eyes Wide Shut because it was directed by Stanley Kubrick. He's unattractive and creepy. Same thing with Julia Roberts. I really don't understand the appeal of contemporary movie stars at all. Signed, Old Fogey
what? you didnt like eyes wide shut? c'mon whats not to like? oh heck isnt that one of cruises best movies? I do enjoy the totally subversive, non vanilla polyamorous angle on it. I went to see it with my nymphomaniac gf.. ex stripper.. hi alea!! I miss you & your sexy body!! and my current sig other fights even more than we did!!
I think kubrick was aiming for a sort of bertolucci "last tango in paris" angle with that film but "last tango" is of course totally unreproducable, inimitable.
what about "vanilla sky"? didnt tom date sophia vergara for a while? who is doing fantastic in her career. also penelope cruz... he seemed to have a thing for curvaceous latin chicks for awhile.. who both went on to stellar careers... near miss my man tom! I bet he couldnt deal with their highly independent natures... easy come easy go dude!!

Cruise got launched into immortality when he did that dance in his jockey shorts in "Risky Business." He traveled far on that dubious achievement, but I must say that he was brilliant in "4th of July." One of the great film performances ever.

Julia Roberts got a comparable boost playing a hooker in "Pretty Woman." It left filmgoers with the mistaken impression that she was sexy. In fact, she has a pinched personality and is almost homely. Look at that mouth. Still, she did an outstanding job in "Erin Brockovich" and deserved the Oscar.

We are no longer in the era of Olivier and Barrymore (the elder ones!). Today's filmgoers are mostly knuckleheads, and the bar for recognition is set low.
Witty, whimsical... just brilliant! Classic Mann!

I like TC in several films (esp War of the Worlds), but find his participation in that bizarre religion more than just a little creepy -- it's sinister.
Monsieur Chariot. You take cruise?
I was wondering. You go wandering?
Beth Mann has a good feminine mystique.
I hope Beth Mann no go-off on Tom Cruise.
Somedays I believe we go-dreA`MING`GIN.
Caps stick by accident. I Love TYPOs. Human.
Maybe ask Kerry L. read. Say`CHEESe`OHO.
That's not a gutter cuss word. Welcome. Ay O!
No Fix?
Ya fixed.
I donate one:
old V.A. Walker,
Wheel Chair,
and blind Date.
I be blind
I escort
No invite:
editor to
your canoe
or lil' hut
it is heat?
it so hot.
we go dip.
visit creek.
It sweaty.
hands get
and ask
for one
hug huh
I think people are angry about some idea of sexual ambiguity with this man. That aside...for now.....He may be a control freak...I have friends like that, who are also fanatics about this or that. I love this piece Beth. It is funny...very funny, and an excellent critique of the personality type.

I hope everyone gets a chance to see "Jerry Maguire." It is one of the best movies he's made, and perhaps a great one.
finally...someone that thinks like me.

You see, being a lesbo, no one would think I would relish the thought, but I always thought Princess Di needed a reality check.

"Just take the credit cards and the chauffer driven car and the kids and enjoy yoyurself, let that inbreed asshole have his horsey faced girlfriend, have sex with your bodyguard."

Beth, I don't get it? Do you? ok - you are the one who wrote this, so obviously you do.

I don't care what religion someone is if they make over 6 figures. I can sit through anything if I know my new Neiman's Card is sitting in my wallet needing attention.

I am not being shallow, I am thinking of the marriage and appearances.
My thought process takes care of both.

The stupidest thing I ever did was not marry a rich man when I was young and gorgeous.

Now... nevermind.
Who's Tom Cruise's female counterpart? I'm sure she likes old guys, right? Could you have her call me?

At her convenience of course.
Typo, schmypo. The best headline ever.
You can be the selfless decoy wife who distracts Tom while Kate makes her break for freedom with Suri. =o) Then enjoy yourself by the pool in a teeny weeny bikini with a peach margarita to make him crazy. =o)

If you happen to see Katie, uh I mean Kate, let her know that I'm here for her if she needs support during this difficult time (out of the way, Chicago Guy).
[r] brilliant satire! best, libby
I could not think about being around this man...even as a joke. You are brave.
This IS totally classic Beth Mann - firing on all cylinders, unlike your poor dear truck. i shall send you the link, on FB, to Suri's burn book...pretty much justification for the internet. You are hilarious.
Let's be honest, who wouldn't want too?
Okay first of all, you are a riot! I almost choked on my fried pickles reading this. I don't necessarily dislike Mr. Cruise, but neither have I been much of a fan since say...Jerry McGuire. I can't say exactly why, but his turn in "The Last Samurai" didn't help. If what they say about him is true, regarding his controlling nature and his rabid devotion to Scientology, he should feel lucky Kate put in six years and had a baby for him...his only biological child as far as I know. Be thankful what what you got Tom and move on. Oh, and next time find a nice girl from your own creepy faith.
Oh my God! Me too! Hahaha!
This may be the first fiction piece awarded an Editor's Pick! This is fiction. Right???
I'm so with you on this!

Rated: Yes!

The only thing I ever liked him in was "Born on the Fourth of July." But then, I haven't seen many of his movies since I paid actual money to see the disaster that was "Cocktail."

I can't stand him, but this was very funny!