Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 19, 2011 2:16PM

Why I Don't Wear Pink Ribbons

I was suspicious of them early on, though I wasn't quite sure why. Perhaps its that pervasive and cloying "pink means female" message. We suffer from a "cute" femmy disease and wear sweet little ribbons to prove it. Barbie should wear one!

After watching several friends and relatives die

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OCTOBER 12, 2011 4:56PM

Stop Blaming your Age Already!

Years ago, I had the pleasure of watching Kazuo Ohno perform. Kazuo Ohno is one of the founders of Butoh, a distinctive, evocative and often disturbing dance form born out of the horrors of wartime bombing in Japan.

When I saw him perform, he was in his 80's. He was beyond mesmerizing.… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 29, 2011 6:44PM

I'm Having a "Dust in the Wind" Moment

Fall descends upon the Jersey shore. The tourists have scuttled back to their suburban box homes with their whining offspring in tow. Quiet stands a chance once again. And although this season ushers in some much needed peace, it also fills me with a sense of "Oh my god, how the… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
SEPTEMBER 11, 2011 11:02PM

Cell Phone Etiquette for Morons


So you have a cell phone? Okay, well good for you. I do too! Fancy, isn't it? But remember, there are some rules to remember when using that spiffy telecommunication device of yours in public:

1. You're not special because you have a cell phone. Small children and… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 1, 2011 11:06AM

A Stillness to this Place

(This is a short story I wrote for last week on the topic of "life changing decisions.")


This town is so empty. Even the breeze feels empty. A dead, lukewarm breeze.


Walking down the bleak, sun bleached streets, I wonder if there’s any life… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 27, 2011 11:27PM

My Own Private Hurricane [WITH NEW PHOTOS]

I’m looting my neighbor’s garden. Looting light, I would call it. Everyone has been evacuated and I’m one of the few remaining at the Jersey shore during Hurricane Irene. I grab a few ripe tomatoes, a batch of heady oregano. It’s all/… Read full post »


As a single American female in my 40's, I feel it my duty to impart sagely advice to as many young men as possible. As a surfer, I am provided that opportunity. Many young men have approached me with pleas of guidance. And I’m happy to impart.… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 26, 2011 9:11AM

Patti Davis is Naked and I'm Tired



[This was first published at, another great site for writers.]
When I read Patti Davis’s recent article in More magazine, where she “bares all” at 58, I was poised in my seat, prepared to feel inspired. 

My body, like hers, has… Read full post »

(This piece was originally posted at Please stop by and take a look. Two Open Salon members - Chris Goldstein and myself - are founding members and met here! The power of OS once again.)


"Miss, either take off your sweatshirt or that woman right there will pat… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 17, 2011 10:20PM

Kristen LaBrie – Child Killer or Political Scapegoat?

I’m not defending Kristen LaBrie. Her case is hardly clear-cut. This single mother was convicted of attempted murder, among other charges, for ceasing to give chemotherapy to her 9-year old autistic and cancer-stricken son, Jeremy Fraser. He eventually died and she will spend 8 - 10/… Read full post »

My father left me to be with this family.

When you discovered my dead father last weekend, Peg, it went beyond the boundaries of friendship. I was ready to leave his body behind...but no, not you. You were determined, even after the tranquilizers set in.

When I went back to…

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APRIL 4, 2011 10:11AM

10 Drummers Who Sing Well

This list came about when my friend Madge (see, Peg, I told you I wouldn't use your real name!) said that there aren't many drummers who sing well. So I spent precious hours last week doing music video "research" instead of working and making money so my friend could see the… Read full post »

It's been a long winter. They're all long winters here at the Jersey shore. You try to keep yourself entertained in any way possible. For kicks, I taught myself the lyrics to Eminem's Lose Yourself, the popular hit from his movie 8 Mile.

Well, it was no easy feat for a… Read full post »

MARCH 18, 2011 12:06PM

The Rise and Fall of Dumb Love


They didn’t even know I was still in the room, they were so drunk, so wrapped up in one another. I couldn’t help but stay. Emotional train wrecks are awkward, sure, but fascinating to watch.

These two have been going at it for years. They…

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She got down but she never got tired
She's gonna make it through the night

I pulled over to the side of road to drink in some fading winter sunlight, sparkling on the bay. Coincidentally "Blinded by the Light" was playing on the… Read full post »

FEBRUARY 2, 2011 12:10PM

Dick on my Shoulder

What's missing?

“I think that’s just an urban legend, Clint.”

“No, this guy told me it really happens.”

“It would be sexual harassment.”

“No, not if he just places it there.”

My friend Clint, who recently joined the Navy and will be workin… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 24, 2011 3:03PM

I am not my Blog


When my mom was dying of cancer years ago, I gave her a journal. I told her to write anything she wanted in it. My mother was a consummate reader and a creative writing teacher, so I knew it wouldn't be a stretch for her. After she…

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DECEMBER 18, 2010 3:40PM

The Only Good Holiday Tune

Okay, I tricked you - there's actually a small handful of good holiday songs and the rest should be candy caned to death. (The remainer of the best holiday songs will be revealed at the end of this post. - don't peak!)

Do They Know it's Christmas is a song that continues… Read full post »

DECEMBER 2, 2010 11:22PM

Gwyneth Paltrow is Country Wrong

They told me I sing too!

Last week, I caught Gwyneth Paltrow singing at the recent Country Music awards, which could make anyone’s lunch rise.

And not just because of her thin, barely passable voice. Nor was it the fact that heavyweights Patty Griffin and Vince Gill served as musical crutches.… Read full post »

I'm SO going to sue you for this.

1. Back in the day, you could eat bacon freely. It was the world’s tastiest meat product and we celebrated it, proudly. Now, we have to watch out for nitrates, fat and salt - not to mention the pig’s welfare. Back in the… Read full post »

Who's your daddy? If you're lucky, it would be any of these sexy paternal types:

1. Atticus Finch:

Daddy personified, I'd like to forcibly remove Scout out of this porch scene and replace her with a 43-year old me.

2. Pa Ingalls

I've heard rumors that Michael Landon was a bit of a hard-ass… Read full post »

OCTOBER 28, 2010 4:35PM

I Like the Pie



I like the pie. And that’s why I couldn’t give it to the old lady.

Marjorie is 85 and lives down the street from me. She makes me things and gives me things. I, in turn, move large things for her and remove opossums from her… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
OCTOBER 6, 2010 11:12PM

The Reduction of Rachel

When I first watched Glee, I felt giddy. Unabashedly expressive, darkly was an earnest program with a heart.

And yes, I'm talking in past tense. The Hollywood machine ate the show for brunch and bulimically purged it into the pretty mess we now have before us.… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 25, 2010 7:31PM

In Reaction to your Idiotic Comment


Don’t try to change me.


He says. Drunk, on replay, repeating the same old warning.


Don't try to change me. 


My dear, when you have so little to offer, what is there really to change? 


Don't try to change me.  


As Max kissed Sandra's soft, white neck, she moaned quietly with excitement. He bit and licked his way slowly downward, her hips bucking gently in anticipation. Sandra breathed deeply, wanting to drink in every moment of his wandering mouth on her taut body.

When Max reached her hips, she could… Read full post »