Beth Mann's Blog

Beth's Urban Tales of Wonder and Decay

Beth Mann

Beth Mann
Long Beach Island, New Jersey, USA
November 11
Hot Buttered Media
I'm a writer and creative consultant. I have years of experimental comedy and strange theater under my belt. I surf. I cook. I love wine, men and song. And puppies. I effin' love puppies.

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 7, 2009 12:18PM

How I Scared Jared Leto Away

(Let me just say, this post may be just a flimsy excuse to post videos and photos of Jared Leto. Just look at the photos if you're feeling lazy.)

"Beth, you know you want to slap my pretty little face."

I believe in magic. I have since I watched…

Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JUNE 1, 2009 9:23AM

What Kind of Tears do you Cry?



My friend Beth crying Daily Bullshit Tears combined with Tears of Elation after finding out she wouldn't be held entirely responsible for her recently deceased husband's tens of thousands of dollars worth of hospital bills.

Have you cried today? This week? This lifetime?Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 28, 2009 2:27PM

The Hazards of Showerheads


The Brothers are a rag tag crew of 3 young guys at the end of the street that have adopted me into their family. While I’m grateful to get a sense of what real brothers feel like, they often try my patience with their sheer idiocy…I mean, youthful ramblings.… Read full post »

(Dakini Dancer, dance on.)

Perhaps you will recall this photo. It's from a post a few weeks ago, entitled "I Miss Shoplifting":

This playful photo almost lead to my arrest. The threat of arrest is good fun, akin to swallowing a handful of straight pins. I suggest being surrounded by angry… Read full post »

MAY 16, 2009 12:33PM

A Nice, Safe Post


Because of all the negative feedback I received from my last blog entry, I have decided to write a sweet, innocuous one that no one can complain about.


I like vanilla pudding. Do you like vanilla pudding? I like it because not only does it taste good, it makes… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MAY 10, 2009 10:39AM

13 People who Ruined it for Everyone Else

1. Pearl Jam

Eddie Vedder and Pearl Jam started a movement of self-serious, white guy rock that has been dismal and morose and needlessly melodramatic. Because of Pearl Jam, we’ve been forced to listen to the likes of Creed, Puddle of Mudd, Staind, Three Doors Down… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 30, 2009 4:35PM

I Miss Shoplifting









(Play music video at the bottom of post before reading for full soundtrack experience.)

Even though I have a mild crush on the cop up the street, I know it can never be. First off, he reminds me of Father Karras… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 26, 2009 10:43AM

When Dolphins Bite

“Me? But why would you choose me?”

“Your therapist suggested you. You’re an artist and she thought you really needed an opportunity like this. She thought it would be really healing for you.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say. It sounds wonderful. What do I… Read full post »

Feeling a little under the weather last Sunday, I decided not to forgo surfing and shoot some photos of The Brothers on their long boards instead. I quickly realized that shooting surfers is not only difficult but slightly boring.

But here are two prerequisite shots of Kurt and Kyle surfing anyway:

%IMRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
APRIL 2, 2009 3:09PM

The Freudian Text

                            A Contemporary Cautionary Tale

(All the names in this story have been changed to protect my sorry ass.)

So I’m in the midst of April 1, 2009,…

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Editor’s Pick
MARCH 31, 2009 6:54PM

The 19 or 20 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time



 Shut up. Just shut up.

You hear them everyday. And perhaps you utter a few yourself. But they're annoying and need to be stopped.

This is a campaign. Climb onboard or be left to the sharks.


The 19 or 20 Most Annoying Phrases of All Time
Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
MARCH 14, 2009 11:29AM

Clint Called me a Slut

“I didn’t call you a slut. I’m just saying you might want to…to tone it down a bit," Clint mumbles into the phone.

He’s referring to my photos on MySpace and Facebook. I take them myself, of myself. They are only slightly scandalous. A solid PG-13, in my opinion.

&… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 5, 2009 8:29AM

Get off of Wine's Back

Good wine is a necessity of life for me.

Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
MARCH 4, 2009 11:32AM

Everything is Amazing and No One is Happy

This 4 minute video clip really resonated with me this morning. It's comedian Louis CK on Conan O'Brien speaking about discontent in today's faster world. Read full post »
Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 28, 2009 10:36AM

The Only Things I'm Not Addicted To

My friend Dea says she has an addictive personality and I smile slightly. Because she doesn’t. Only people with real addictive personalities know that wild, sick, consumptive burn that emanates from some fiery pit in your soul and wants to eat your charred skin for dinner.

Addictions are… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 26, 2009 12:51PM

The 16 Most Overrated Sexual Acts of All Time





Oh yes, baby…yes!!


These acts seem like a good idea at the time. Until someone loses an eye. Not so sexy anymore, is it?

So think twice and think hard before you attempt the following:

1. Sex on the Beach
Sure it looks great… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 22, 2009 11:54AM

My Wizard of Oz

The sign of a good movie? It changes your life. It changes the very fabric of who you are. The Wizard of Oz did that for me. It still does. It's a classic feminine myth that instills in me hope, innocence and belief in pure, raw magic. It guides… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 19, 2009 3:07PM

I'll Never Be in Godspell Again

I’ll never be in Godspell again. I’m sitting here, on a rainy afternoon at the Jersey shore, listening to Day by Day from the 1970’s musical Godspell and crying when I really should be working. I’m on my 5th listen.

I was in Godspell in college. It was my second or third… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
FEBRUARY 7, 2009 9:54PM

The Only New Year's Resolution that Stuck



The Only New Year’s Resolution that Stuck


Ready for the best (and easiest) New Year’s resolution? It doesn’t require fasting, gym memberships or less porn (shew). It’s simple, right at your fingertips and you can totally borrow it from me.


TheRead full post »

JANUARY 30, 2009 8:42PM

The Black Knights of Brooklyn












You’re arguing with one of your closest friends and you never argue. After 15 years of… Read full post »

JANUARY 24, 2009 8:59AM

Turn it on Again

I watched a video by the White Stripes a few days ago at a friend's house. Some hotshot director made it. Lots of fast cuts and random images and money behind it…a very busy video. I couldn’t even hear the song, the visuals were trying so hard to dazzle me. It… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 17, 2009 10:16AM


I stood there, in full fighting stance, watching my brother intently. If he took one more step toward me, I’d hit him. After years of martial arts training, I had no intention of letting my 58-year old brother, who is my size, lay one bloody hand on me.

Funny, the thoughts… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 8, 2009 3:35PM

I Want to be Micromanaged by Tom Cruise

I don’t have the movie star hots for Tom Cruise. I don’t even like him much as actor. He seems like a shiny little alien on Scientology overdrive. But while in a crowded line at the grocery store, I read about his controlling, obsessive behavior toward his wife Katie Holmes and… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 3, 2009 10:30AM

Tangled Wires

I tried to keep it simple today. Feeling low, I knew it wasn't a day to ask too much of myself (throwing a surprise party for a friend would definitely be out of the question, for instance) but doing nothing can drive the nail deeper.

If you keep it… Read full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 28, 2008 3:41PM

Slipping into Toothlessness

It's midwinter, you're at the desolate Jersey shore and you're quietly slipping into toothlessness.

It all starts with a missed shower or two. Its just too cold to take off all those layers of clothes. Besides, you're not going to see anyone anyway.

Then shaving your legs strikes you as just silly. I… Read full post »