a lighthearted look at traumatic abuse and its aftermath

big fat trauma queen

big fat trauma queen
Undercover in the Bay Area, California, U.S.A.
November 08
Defying Gravity
I, like millions of others, am a refugee from some fairly gruesome childhood happenings. I entered adulthood as a selectively mute, unwashed, suicidal, friendless, uneducated, delusional, and sick-fat (as opposed to healthy-fat) young woman. I have been homeless in the Tenderloin (I am prouder of that than I am of my master's degree), and I have spent years in self-imposed solitary confinement. No more. I have morphed over the years into an irritatingly chipper and hyper-friendly Trauma Queen. If you're having a bad day, don't even look at me; my happy little face will just piss you off. This blog is dedicated to all the other Trauma Queens and Kings out there - we of the shrunken hippocampus and the hair-trigger amygdala. We who, in D.H. Lawrence's words, have "passed through the waters of oblivion." But let's not just pass through. Let's make a TSUNAMI...


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JANUARY 26, 2010 7:57PM

Does Your Grandma Look Good Naked?

Rate: 13 Flag

At what age do we women get to stop looking at ourselves through Hugh Hefner's eyes? When do we get to stop treating our bodies like sex objects?

When we damn well choose to, that's when.

I have a dear freind who just turned 60. She has crystal blue eyes, curly red hair, a heart-melting smile - and she looks like crap in a bikini. (As do I).

As far as she's concerned, the eyes, the smile, the curly red hair - the fact that she lights up a room when she enters -none of that matters. All that matters  is her lack of ability to enter and win a wet t-shirt contest. Therefore, she concludes, she is ugly.

In our culture today, we seem to have allowed the porn  industry to define female beauty for us. According to them, beauty is all about inspiring strangers to get erections.

But is fuckability the only true measure of beauty?

I thought my grandmother was a beautiful woman. Actually - I know she was a beautiful woman. I remember the day I chose to name my only child after her: she was eighty-two years old, visiting her forty-three year old son in a nursing home (a horrible accident left him brain-dead). But she didn't just visit him. She also brought gifts and smiles and attention to the other residents of that nursing home. Every one she touched could see how beautiful she was. I doubt any of the people whose hand she held thought, "Gross. Who'd wanna fuck her?"

I know what you're thinking -  my grandmother had spiritual beauty, not necessarily physical beauty.

But how have we come to separate the two? They are not separate.

My grandmother's laugh lines, her arthritic hands, her dowager's hump, her aged and tender skin-all of that was beautiful to me. Her body was beautiful  because she lived in it.  Your body is beautiful because you live in it.

When we separate a body from its spirit, we turn that body into a corpse.

How many of us do that to ourselves?  How many of us see a soulless corpse when we look in the mirror and sneer at our breasts and thighs and bellies?

It's up to us middle-aged and older women to take the lead. We need to stop auditioning for PlayBoy, and start telling younger women the truth. And we all know what the truth is.

Being a sexy young woman in this culture is like starting out as president of the company and ending up as the janitor. And you will end up as the janitor.That's a promise. Why not save yourself some grief and refuse to take the job in the first place? Get a job that provides some opportunity for advancment, rather than one that guarantees annual demotions.

Let's stop treating our bodies as sex objects, and start embracing ourselves as sexual subjects. Only then will we have a shot at genuine Beauty.





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What IS it with every one? I am crying again. Third post in a row.

Trauma Queen: I could envision your grandmother sharing her happy soul in the nursing home. Beautiful.

Before that I read "A Love Song to Sunshine Natalie" (I don't know WHY I picked that one to read) by Steve Katz, which was full of so much I understand -- and that was after I recovered from reading the poem "Earth" by Petuunia, a poem I wish every person on this small, blue globe could have an opportunity to read and experience.

I need a break! Wow.
You are so right. I wake up every day and look at the signs that seem to appear overnight...and I am trying to embrace them and in many ways I have. You make such great points. Thank you.
Beuaty is what is left when you take good looks away.
It stands on its own.
Beauty is timeless. Beauty is graceful. Beauty is elegant. Beauty is forever.
Beauty is an inner inner presense.
To be a physical knockout without the inner light is not beauty.

And beauty is not gender specific. Beauty can as easily be in a man as in a woman.
Your right, I have seen many beautiful women who were ugly and ugly women who took your breath away with thier beauty. Well said!
Old people have sex, as do geeky people, and fat people and middle age people too. This has always happened and will continue to happen. Sexuality and culturally defined sexy-ness are not the same. r
As an authority on the subject I say this. The mainstream lame culture is to blame, not pornography. When was the last time you heard anyone call a woman beautiful? The PC phrase is "you look good;" meaning you look thin. Women in their fifties and sixties reach a very sexy level of femininity that is wrongfully denied by the mainstream because they are not thin enough, which is bullshit.

Only a stupid woman would let the mainstream media decide whether she's fuckable. A woman's beauty and femininity, regardless of her age, shines through her eyes, and REAL men of all ages see that.

My advice for women as they grow older is to concentrate on being happy, rather than losing weight. After all, a big ass is a plus.

Wonderful post, relevant questions, rated.
I'm not interested in beauty. I want to know at what age can I let myself go? Seriously. Is there an age you reach when it doesn't matter WHAT you do, the general public thinks you don't matter? Because I want to time my "don't give a fuck" exactly with that age.
@Bellweather Vance: I just turned 50, thats good enough for me. Invisible-ness has set it!
I turned invisible when I was 50,'s been VERY freeing!
This post not getting hundreds of comments is a mystery to me.
Rated, again.
I was one of the lucky ones - I was born unattractive. No, seriously. I even have a copy of my old state records from when I was on a Dept of Human Services (I think that's what protective services was called back in the early 70's) that describes me as "unattractive." I was in my late 30's when I read that file, and I laughed heartily, and I also knew that my caseworker, who was an exceptional though at the time inexperienced social worker, was not being unkind - she was being accurate. And so, as I have moved into my mid 50's I haven't really lost much in the looks department. I feel right saddened by folks who have invested years of their lives and energies equating their sense of self worth with how physically attractive they are. I never had this burden. I am not in any way disappointed that I was not "the pretty one." It has been a great blessing to me, for I have been pushed to explore other areas of self-affection - and these are enriched by age, not diminished by them. Thanks for another excellent read!
My God... where have you been my entire OS life?! If I were standing before you now, I might do one of the following: give you an exuberant high five, an exploding fist bump, a great big bear hug (because, yes, I'm big as a bear), or a big smooch on the cheek. Oh hell, maybe I'd do them all!

Damn... I gotta visit more often.
That is an intersting approach I guess. But I think when you are young, and if you got it then flaunt it. But when you are older like Demi Moore, and you still have it, then flaunt it.

Young women are still trying to attract men to tie down and marry. Older women are not unless they are single. If you arent still competing for a mate than health should be your driving goal to remain fit and average, not trying to make the covers of playboy.