I did it. I cut the cord. I have yanked my daughter free from the public placenta.
She's mine again.
I've been wanting to free my child from the prison called school for years now. But I wanted to be a Nice Normal Mom. And Nice Normal Moms raise Nice Normal Children who love to go to school and get sticky gold stars on their papers.
My daughter let me know at a very young age that she had no intention of living out this fantasy for me.
Somehow, my girl developed a severe allergy to being shamed, and a death-defying intolerance to rules that make no sense to her. In other words - she's been a lousy student from day one.
Her teachers have agreed as a block that she is a very intelligent and creative child. But schools do not exist to encourage intelligence and creativity. Schools exist to produce good students.
I have always sent my daughter to "alternative" schools. But no matter how alternative a school claims to be, it is still an institution.
Some of the latest complaints I've heard are, "She draws dragons all over her spelling test." "She doesn't act excited about picking vegetables at the farm." "She said 'so sue me, I'm not Emily Dickinson' after reading her poem in circle. She shouldn't be joking about litigation." "She refuses to eat Friday Soup. She participates in making it, but she won't eat it. She won't even taste it."
Grown men and women actually took time out of their day to discuss these "issues" with me. But all they managed to do was convince me that I'd never be a nice normal mom. A nice normal mom would have agreed with them. I just thought they were a bunch of assholes.
I wonder now - why did I ever hand her over to a bunch of strangers in the first place? Why had it been so easy to assume that they knew so much more than I did? Why did I ever let them presume to tell me who my own child was and what she needed?
My lack of belief in my own judgement led to disastrous results a few years ago, when my daughter was only seven.
Second grade math was a source of humiliation and misery for her, and it was the very first class of the day. On this particular morning, she had worked herself up into a frenzy outside the school, crying and clinging and begging me not to make her go inside. In my judgment, the best thing to do was take my daughter back to the car, cuddle her, talk to her, and help her calm down. Once she was calm, I would try again to get her into the school.
But I didn't trust my judgment. I trusted the judgment of the vice principal, Dr. X, who was large, well-dressed, and spoke in an authoritative manner.
Dr. X approached me, my arms around my sobbing child, and said,"If you reward her behavior by giving in, she'll continue to manipulate you. Let me take her inside."
She sounded so certain, and I felt so lost. Surely, she must know. So I allowed her to pry my desperate little girl out of my arms. I felt shell-shocked. Stunned. My daughter clawed at my shirt, but the vice-principal picked my daughters fingers off me as if they were ticks. She then began to drag her toward the school.
What happened next seemed to occur in slow motion. My furious, fighting, 60 pound child stuck her tiny left leg between the legs of this full-grown, 200 pound woman. She then hooked her foot around Dr. X's ankle and sent her toppling to the ground. My daughter leapt to one side, out of range of Dr. X's falling body, and flung herself back into my arms. All I could do was stare, open-mouthed, at the vice principal sprawled on the ground.
"Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I'll - uhm - I'll just take her home now." I began to back away, stroking my now completely hysterical child's head to calm her down. But Dr. X hadn't had enough. She climbed to her feet, pantyhose torn, an earring missing, and approached us with the determination of a wrestler.
"No. This is not acceptable. It is time for school and you need to be in class. Right now."
My daughter screamed as Dr. X grabbed her yet again. "No - really -wait-" I protested. But Dr. X didn't listen. And once again, my daughter stuck her leg between Dr. X's legs, hooked her foot around Dr. X's ankle, and sent her sprawling.
My daughter sobbed into my chest as I kissed her over and over on the head and said, "Let's go home, honey."
Dr. X did not make eye contact with us as she limped back to her office.
My daughter and I went out for hot fudge sundaes.
That was the beginning of the end of my belief that School Authorities know best.
For better or worse, my daughter is My responsibility, My offspring, My bear cub. Mine.
But it's good to know the kid can kick ass if she needs to.
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Comments
I have a friend that was home schooled and never got this lesson, he's not doing so well.
I am a public school teacher, and believe very strongly in the public schools, but they are far from perfect. My colleagues and I are constantly bemoaning the fact that the system tries to fit everyone into a little box. What is required of us drives us crazy. But the really good teachers find a way to work within that system and allow students individualism within the confines of the system. And I do believe that the school environment helps kids figure out how to function in the greater society of ours that also wants to put people in boxes.
I admire you for taking it upon yourself to give your child what you know she needs, however. Public schools aren't for everyone. Homeschooling is a challenge, and it sounds like you both will be happier. Go for it!
Okay, maybe I need to go write my own whole post about this....;)
Are you can do is the best you can....and you are doing that now.
rated
Great post, rated.
Home schooling works best if you can replace "the rest" of what kids get at school. Not the education part - you can replace that just fine. But the social part. The part where she has a social circle and girls that aren't family to whisper with and have sleepovers with. Because having family and cousins doesn't replace learning social skills and learning to make (and keep) friends and resolve differences with people you're not related to.
If you can replace both the education and the social development, then you'll be just fine. I couldn't, so I found a better school, talked to teachers and admin about issues that concerned me in advance, and moved to the new area clear across the city. It worked out well for us.
While I'm hogging your comments anyway - kudos to your daughter for having the fortitude to be herself at an age when so many little girls want to be like all the other little girls. And kudos to you for raising her that way. :)
It means a great deal to me.
Oh, this brings back memories of my youngest son in elementary school. SO glad those days are behind us!
I home schooled my daughters - eldest from 5th - 12th grade. She is now a college sophomore with a 3.9 (or is it 3.88? not sure) g.p.a., (her blog here is gypsyboots) a great fiance and a good head on her shoulders. She's my exhibit "A" to what a motivated child can achieve when free of the constraints of institutional learning.
As for the social aspect - anytime some asked me "What about her social life?" I'd ask them about their jr. high and high school experiences. Yep, schooling is great preparation for the rest of your life as long as you plan to spend it with people born the same year as you were and sorted alphabetically. Keep her active with sports, lessons, church, scouts, whatever, and she'll do fine.
Also, you can probably find home school consortiums near you - my girls took science and math classes in one for a few years.
Your daughter is very fortunate to have a mother so committed to meeting her needs.
Is the problem that your daughter is actively defying the school and refusing to do assignments? Few kids love all aspects of learning equally. However a decent education requires knowledge of math, and spelling, and punctuation as well as the fun stuff.
Is the problem that your child is overly sensitive? This is an issue that can be corrected with occupational therapy. You're not doing your daughter a favor by not dealing with it, (read the Out of Sync Child).
While her current school/teacher might be a problem, I find it hard to believe an individual who can't manage to meet the demands of the average school is going to be successful at meeting the demands of the average workplace. At some point, she will have to learn to cope.
But you're right - she can't cope with the spirit-crushing demands of the average school, and I doubt she will ever cope with the spirit-crushing demands of the average workplace.
My intention is to teach her to create her own place in the world, rather than stooping to fit into average places.
I was frightened literally shitless by school ... a distant ship's smoke on the horizon...
But my parent's had no choice, both worked, there were others to consider .... you are coming through in waves ...
I made some friends and hung on but sometimes hid in a neighbour's hen house halfway there ... your lips move but i can't hear what you're saying ...
I drew too - it was a place to go ... now i've got that feeling once again i can't explain ...
Thoughtful comments - boomer's take on the social side of things sinks deep - the simple fact is that your daughter knows there's sense and safety with you ... when i was a child i caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of my eye ...
Thanks for this - thanks for the flashback - much power and joy to both of you ... i turned to look but it was gone i cannot put my finger on it now the child is grown the dream is gone
... ( p. f. , comfortably numb )
My daughter excels academically but socially/sensory wise she struggles. We just had the conversation with her therapist today about what we are going to be doing. I may be home-schooling for a half-day if I can get approval from the school.
We are so lucky with the school my daughter attends. She is a trauma survivor, but, as you know, people are not attuned to trauma and don't understand the nuances. Plus, the 25 to 1 ratio makes it nearly impossible on the teacher - the one advantage I've found of private schools in the area (which we can no longer afford anyway).
I can't believe administrators think they know when our children are being manipulative or not. That blows my mind. It is that kind of arrogance that would certainly make me rip my daughter out of school - in fact - I would've already done it.
Seriously though, my mom yanked me out of school after pre-K and homeschooled me all the way through till college. She knew she could do it better. I'm grateful every day that she did.