I swear to god, I'm having sympathy cramps.
My daughter is ten years old, and extremely proud of achieving menstruation.
Three mornings ago, she yelled from the bathroom, "Mom it's blood!"
My heart stopped.
"It's the good blood!"
No way. I'd told her about the "good blood" that would come someday, in the distant future.When she was twelve - at least. But my baby is only ten!
I ran into the bathroom. Her cheeks and eyes were shining. And there it was, smeared all over her plump sweet baby thighs : the Good Blood.
I squealed and clapped my hands, "Oh my God! My baby! It's the Good Blood!"
My daughter was beaming, I was jumping up and down and squealing - you'd have thought we'd won first prize at a raffle.We danced around hugging each other and laughing.
My daughter takes absolute delight in her body. Oh, how I want to guard that delight for her. I want to airlift it miles above beer commercials, fashion magazines, and the whole "extreme makeover" mindset.
I want to teach my daughter to love her body by loving it for her -just as she taught me to love my own.
My daughter first loved my body as a source of nourishment, then of comfort, then of play, and now as a source of hilarity. (When I sat down naked on the bed yesterday, she burst out laughing and said, "Oh my god, Mom, your thighs just popped out like a parachute!" )
I love my daughter's body because it holds her life. And it grows in breathtaking and impossible ways. How can this human being, who once lived inside me and stomped all over my bladder, whose head I used to rub when it poked out from beneath my rib cage - how can she be menstruating now? How can her body be preparing to hold new life within it, just as mine once held hers? How is any of this possible?
My daughter's body is a source of wonder for me, and fascination for her. The "good blood," the breast buds (from the back seat of my car a few months ago I heard, "Oh my god, Mom! My nipples are puffing up like balloons!"), and even the few pimples she's starting to get.
"This face wash'll get rid of those pimples," I told her.
"But I like my pimples." She said. "They define me."
She is proud of every outward sign that she's becoming a woman. And she's proud of the accessories, too.
She has informed me that she is going to continue to wear maxi pads, even after her period ends. "They're comfortable," she says.
Of course, when I tried to explain tampons to her, she grimaced and gagged.
"Oh, gross! No way, Mom!"
Those are the words she uses to express her feelings about sex as well.
"I'm never having sex," she told me. "I think it's disgusting."
I was dismayed. I'd tried to portray sex as something wondrous and beautiful.
"What do you think is so disgusting about sex?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes at me. "Take a WILD guess."
I had to laugh. Without a flood of mind-altering hormones, sex does seem pretty disgusting. But that flood is just on the horizon for her now. Gulp.
Can my daughter's delight in her body survive sexual desire?
The cultural car crash we live in sure doesn't make that easy.
We trap our bodies in a dirty little cage when we treat them as objects of sexual attraction, rather than as instruments of sexual expression.
How do I help my daughter stay free of that cage?
How do I help my daughter to continue living in her own body? How do I prevent her from abandoning her flesh, and "working it" from the outside like a puppeteer?
When my daughter begins to feel sexual desire, she will want to feel sexually desirable. And who will define desirablity for her? And what parts of herself will she be willing to trade to fit that definition?
Trade nothing, baby. Trade not one precious particle of yourself.
Demand to be desired Whole.
Now that's True Beauty!
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Just don't tell her she has 12 x 40 + years of bleeding ahead of her. Good description of our cultural trappings and expression of the joy in being free of them.
I hope your young girl continues to delight in her positive body frame of mind.
BFTQ, you are raising a happy healthy child, and your contstant attentiveness is fascinating to observe. I was horrified when aunt flow came to visit when I was eleven. I wept when I got a bra at 12. My sister was much worse. I never saw my parents naked- even once. So, as you can imagine this is intersesting reading....
Yes, without the hormones sex is disgusting. That's a fact. Another thoughful and very interesting post, Ms. P.
R
-R-
I think your raising your daughter quite well.
Thank all of you for commenting, and for supporting my daughter's pride in her blossoming body.
@ A blonde - I find it hilarious that a woman who bares her sex life and her breasts online posted a TMI comment.
@ Bonnie, Donna, and Kyle - I did show my daughter the blog and got her permission to post it. She is quite proud. Honestly, though, if I weren't homeschooling her I would probably not have posted it with her photo. One of the reasons I am homeschooling is to keep her free from the petty tyranny of her peers. She has boasted to all of her friends and it has not occurred to her that she has anything to hide or be ashamed of.
These comments are a fascinating addition to the post - they really do highlight are evolving attitudes about our bodies, menstruation, and shame. It's a Brave New World (emphasis on the Brave).
"We trap our bodies in a dirty little cage when we treat them as objects of sexual attraction, rather than as instruments of sexual expression."
I find that statement to be narrow, and it may just be the wording, but I think of my body as much more than sexual expression. In fact, that is one tiny facet of it and I will also hope to teach my daughter that.
I have already taught my daughter her beauty is for her, no one else. At 7, I am glad she knows this. I think reclaiming sexuality for ourselves is but one facet of that.
While I understand the intention of your joy to share this with women here, I too am concerned. The Internet is predatory and pictures of children on it with any sort of sexual information about them, period or otherwise, is not wise in my opinion.
I know your not asking, but out of concern, I think it would be a good idea for you to take her picture down.
I am in awe of you!
@ A blonde - I find it hilarious that a woman who bares her sex life and her breasts online posted a TMI comment.
Hilarious? I think what you've done is a form of abuse.
Judy Chicago anyone?
When my youngest sister, 13 years younger, got her first period, my mother had a party with lots of guests and announced it, which embarrassed my sister beyond words.
Those were really bad enough. If my mother had had the Internet, and announced it as publicly as you just did, I'd be mortified, and probably wouldn't show my face for years. I am afraid you just put your daughter at risk. I hope I'm wrong. I'm in the camp that thinks however happy you both are about it, such things are private.
One thing people fail to remember is that posting at places like OS isn't just sending a note to a few family and friends. You're telling hundreds, potentially thousands, of total strangers intimate details about your life. And that information will linger in perpetuity in the annals of the internet. And this intimate information about your daughter's sexual development and her cute photo are available to every pervert with an internet connection and a jar of Vaseline by his laptop. This isn't like a quiet chat amongst "the girls" that won't get out to the world. It's one thing when one writes about their adult self or their recollections of their childhood. Quite another when one writes about their children and exposes their intimate life to strangers.
Just my $.02.
I do commend your pride in your daughter becoming a woman. But this is not the way to show it. It is dangerous, and also a boundary issue in my opinion.
@ ablonde -your comment spoke for itself.
@Sparking - I certainly didn't mean to imply that the body is ONLY an instrument of sexual expression, just that we are meant to be sexual subjects rather than sexual objects.
@Bonnie - I appreciate your concern for my daughter's safety, but you and I have very different ideas about how to accomplish this.
"Stranger Danger" is a myth that imperils children. The internet is not the biggest threat to any child - her family and friends are.
Pedophiles are cowards who target passive and neglected children.
By teaching my daughter to love and honor herself, to assert herself, to be proud rather than ashamed of her body, I am empowering her to say "no" and to TELL.
Don't you know that SHAME SILENCES CHILDREN. And silence, not exposure, is the biggest danger to children's lives.
There was no internet when I was a child. Not one single stranger EVER did me any harm. I was raped and brutalized and almost murdered by RESPECTABLE FAMILY MEMBERS - the kind of people who would have died before they posted anything as loving and empowering as I did about my daughter's first menstruation.
Openness and self-expression are my daughter's best defenses against EVER being a victim of sexual violence. I am not going to teach her to hide her sexuality or her body as some dark ages form of "protection."
The more silent a culture is about female sexuality the more likely women and children are to be sexually victimized.
My biggest concern about this post is that my daughter will some day read the comments and feel ashamed of something that felt so joyful and innocent to both of us.
It's these shaming comments and attitudes that I feel the most need to protect her from. Evil flourishes in the dark, folks. Silence and Shame are a pedophile's best friends.
There's nothing wrong with a woman's menstrual cycle. There's nothing wrong with woman as sexual beings. Children, on the other hand, are an entirely different story. This shouldn't be posted on the internet. Period. (Pun intended.)
You're way of thinking that if you are silent you let the pedophiles win is bizarre at best. Posting pictures of a child in a post with sexual material, does what for them exactly? Yep - gives them material.
I couldn't stand to hear so many people equate her image with pornography, simply because it accompanied a post about a natural universal female experience.
Now that is woman talk of the highest water. This is what an estrogen post should be: strong, proud and loving. Your wisdom is amazing. All the power to you protecting your child from this destructive culture. You sound you have done a fantastic job communicating with your daughter; a very healthy relationship.
Congrats on her "First Cycle: the Good Blood." See that is a best seller there. Great post, endearing, funny, rated.
So... when you read the comments and get that guilty, dirty, ugh feeling.. remember it isn't anything personal and these same people will rate and laugh at your next post.... they just care about your lil one... and THAT is a good thing. xoxo
Then why were your critical comments not posted as messages to my inbox?
Instead, they were posted online - where my daughter could read them ("nothing is lost in cyberspace").
Would any of you who espressed concern for my daughter want her to read what you have written?
If not - then why did you post your comments so publicly, if not to shame us both?
Whether you loved or hated my post, I own the fact that it was all about me.
And your comments are all about you.
I do appreciate what I perceive as real expressions of concern - which tend to be quite kind and empathic (such as yours, Amanda Gulledge's, and mamamoore's).
As a mother, few things are more painful than to be accused of abusing your child - especially when your intention was to do the exact opposite.
To Elena Kelly, Scarlet Sumac, Fernsy, Lady Miko, Alyssa Harelick, LunchLady2, Leonde Delmare, MamaMoore, Amanda Gulledge, and you Donna - Thank You for seeing, understanding, and expressing yourself with kindness.
To Bonnie Russel, Ablonde, iamsurly, WillSomeoneFeedTheCat, JK Brady, Kyle Dykman, and Julie Tarp - I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.
Just take it down. Why you would have your ten year old reading these comments too, well you're giving me a sore neck from shaking me head so much.
As most of the comments point out, and rightfully so, that we live a a society of fucking perverts and pedophiles; and as some gratuitously and graphically pointed out, how sexually perverted and sick this fucking society is, leaving no room for this remark to be a generalization.
I am sorry I completely neglected to point out the dangers to your child from the sexually perverted society.
By all means, post this on a European site.
I was a little more graceful with daughter number two, who did not start quite as young.
You sound like such a GOOD MOM!
For the sake of your daughter, this post should be removed.
Be warned. Do not get into a battle of words with incandescent. His bulb dimmed a long time ago. There is nothing he would like more than to turn us sagainst each other. And believe me, he could care less about this little girl. He has his own agenda and it is far from protecting the innocent.
I also agree with Janie and the others who suggested you take this down and share it privately with your daughter. It's a sad fact of the society we live in that there are many, many predators who feed of this stuff.
I appreciate your wife's sentiments, but her extreme childhood circumstances are perhaps not the best judge of what most girls who get their period would want their mother to do. I don't believe in ordering people to remove posts, but there is something very off putting about the boundaries crossed here.
Her thought was the exact same as mine: this hasn't been written by a woman.
Oh, and congratulations on taking the photograph accompanying the post down; might want to think about changing your avvy.
Flagged for inappropriate content.
Incandescent, maybe some things are getting a bit confused here.
I think there is a difference between your wife wanting her mother to be more like the author of this blog, and the fact that this blog has been posted on the internet, available to read by god knows who.
Two totally separate issues. (And you may have been able to give informed consent at the age of 10. You don't know that this child was able to do the same. In that case, better safe than sorry.)
Always better safe than sorry when it comes to a child, especially when all that is involved in being "safe" is to take down this post.
If you want to continue having a discussion with a horse's ass find a stable and talk to the real thing. You'll have a lot more intelligent discourse than you are now having with incandescent. He's already turned this post away from its original intent into a treatise on men being raped more frequently than woman.
I see what was one woman's good intention turn horribly wrong. I see the picture removed which is good. I note when I commented I didn't take into account the location being posted. My attention was distracted. Big oversight.
I have written about my daughter. Her real name had never been used, nor mine for that matter. We live in a undisclosed location.
The welfare of all children is obviously an utmost concern. I do feel at this point where this argument is going is not really helping anyone.
I will say BFTQ is absolutely right in that most rapes are from people we know - not strangers. This is fact so often overlooked. But children need protection from any potential attackers known and unknown. I wish we lived in a different world. I also feel compassion for BFTQ esp. since she is a survivor.
It is my hope that what has spun from this is something she (the girl) doesn't have to be a part of, especially on the first day of her first period.
Internet communication lacks tone and things are very easily misconstrued. Definitely not all - but some of this does feel 'attack-like.' And that seldom brings cooperation or peace.
It has taken me a while to write this comment so I do not know where it will fit in the argument. I don't like to argue. Maybe the post will be down by the time I'm done here and it will be time to let go of the post and some of the hard feelings.
My two cents worth.
That has nothing to do with anything. Nothing.
We're not in Germany or France. And, as has been stated many, many times, this has nothing to do with shame about bodily functions. The concern people are expressing here is about the safety of a child.
Or are you saying that there are no sexual predators in Europe?
From Correspondent Bill Delaney
BERLIN (CNN) -- A profoundly disturbing child-sex case unfolding in Belgium has drawn the world's attention to the problem of child molestation.
While the problem of pedophilia has so far been studied mostly in Asia, it is a growing problem in a number of European countries as well, including Germany.
CNN met with one German, an apparently mild-mannered, intelligent man in his mid-30s. He is a pedophile who throughout his adult life has had sexual relationships with boys as young as 11.
"Years ago, I had the illusion I could do something to stop it," he said. "Now I know it can't be stopped."
-- A confessed pedophile
"Years ago, I had the illusion I could do something to stop it," he said. "Now I know it can't be stopped."
In Germany, sex with anyone under 14 is illegal. Nonetheless, experts say, pedophilia is on the increase, in part because as traditional male-female roles have broken down, more men seek relationships in which they are unquestionably in charge.
"Sexuality always has something to do with power," said sex counselor Christian Spoden. "The major difference between grown-ups and children is that children cannot give informed consent."
In Germany, as in most other places, pedophilia is handled mainly as a crime rather than an illness. Cutting down sex tourism, especially in Asian countries like Thailand, has become a new focus for law enforcement. Last year, more Germans than ever before were arrested for having sex with children outside of Germany.
The problem with the strategy of just arresting pedophiles, experts say, is that putting police pressure on sex offenders, whether in or out of Germany, doesn't change much. In a society with so few taboos left, many pedophiles end up feeling that they are being victimized by society for having questionable sexual inclinations.
The German man CNN met says he considers pedophilia a curse that led to his suicide attempt in jail. At the same time, he firmly believes boys as young as eight years old want sex, and he says he has never forced a child to do anything.
His attitude is typical among pedophiles, experts say, and is evidence that Germany needs more programs to treat pedophilia, not punish it.
Some believe that Germany and other countries should also stop sending mixed signals to pedophiles -- for example, in Germany, magazines with photos of nude children are readily available on news stands.
Although publishers insist that the photos are simply a portrayal of innocent naturism, their detractors say that such publications promote the sexual abuse of children.
Do the children pictured know that they get published in such a magazine? we asked Spoden. "I very strongly believe they don't know that they are in this context, of this magazine, which is of course used pornographically," he said. "For pedophiles. We know that."
In Germany, it is difficult to define acceptable social values in a society that many say long ago lost its innocence.
You said, Interesting. In 31 years of living, in an open marriage (still going strong) for 10 years and my bisexual, polyamorous lifestyle - and with over a hundred sexual partners - more women than men by far - I have not met a single woman who has been raped.
Then when I asked you to back up what you said, you came back with this lame answer: Every woman in my life? I probably don't know. That's right, Einstein, you probably don't know.
Then this:
But I have quite an ability to get close to people. Most of the women I have had sex with, I truly feel would have told me if they had been raped. Seriously? You believe that? Well, let me tell you that of all the men I have ever had sex with, exactly ONE knows that I was raped. ONE. My husband. And he didn't know until we had been married for many years. THAT is how traumatizing rape is. So, your argument about your amazing ability to get close to people that would make all your sexual partners tell you if they had been raped? That is as ludicrous as your assertion that people your age just don't rape as much. That and your ridiculous statement that rape must have been something that was popular with us 40's and 50-somethings qualifies you as the biggest asshat I've ever come across.
Know a lot of men in prison, do you? Good. Go peddle your bullshit theories there.
Why take the chance? Especially for the sake of a goddamn blog on Open Salon.
It's just not worth it.
Write all this down for the daughter, and share it with her privately, now, or at some point in the future. I think it's a beautiful thing to share with her - as a letter to her, or just like this - only not online (well, perhaps online, but in a private forum).
I wish you could put out a DVD explaining how to raise daughters and then throw it in a time machine for my mother to watch. you really did it right. congratulations to you. and to her on the good blood (which she I hate to say she will lose her fascination with as soon as it wrecks her favorite pair of jeans).
I will ask my husband to locate the study and I will PM it to you. It's fairly recent. And that will be the last time I ever interact with you.
We live in an age of hysterics where we see a predator behind every tree and consider waging war on strangers for their resources as normal. It's all tied together, this sickness of ours, it's our own guilt we see. The naivete lies not in sharing but in thinking there's safety in hiding.
OMG you guys - take it to a different thread, because everything being argued, including the key words, just makes this heaven for online predators.
Big Fat Trauma Queen is a great writer and, I suspect, a very wonderful woman. And now she's been flagged. Maybe we can take the whole thing away from this post - to , really, be discussed. If you care about not leading online predators with your own words, then take this to a different blog.
That's my really sort of very informed advice. If you care so much, take it to another blog.
Shame on you!
I grew up in a house with a predator. Predators feed on children who have no communication in their homes. That is not what is being demonstrated here. Hysterics leads to witch burnings and false accusations destroy lives, it happens every day. It's not something to be bandied about with no inner knowledge.
And for my thoughts on the content of the post, it's simply tone deaf and TMI. Neither my wife and I would write such a thing, but we're different than trauma queen. There are many kind admonishments in the comments, from many painful perspectives, it's best to concentrate on the kindness and truth in those than the selfish ones.
Two, if you are going to post it, do not post it with 1.) her picture, 2.) your picture, or 3.) your real names. Be happy for your daughter, but there's nothing wrong with putting off posting this sort of thing where she can be identified until your daughter is older. When she's eighteen, if she's OK with it then, re-post it.
I'm not so worried about internet weirdos, but your daughter might be OK with this now, but might change her mind in three or four years and be embarrassed that her Mom wrote about this on the internet. It happens.
Chances are, when she's an adult, she won't be embarrassed anymore.
But the meanness is really obvious and unecessary. It seems personal and makes one wonder.
I'm sorry, BFTQ, that you've had to deal with such nastiness today. Really sorry.
If my ex posted this about my daughter I would haul her ass over coals. Ten year olds are NOT capable of making decisions about these issues.
We've gone from menstruation to pornography and rape.
This is your child, BFTQ - if this is your idea of homeschooling, I despair for her.
None of this is appropriate, in any way shape or form, for a child who is ten.
Take it down. Never thought I'd hear myself say that.
Thanks, Thoth, for bringing the f word into this commentary, you unspeakable a-hole.
The problem with ad-hominem attacks (look it up) is that the reader will immediately click on the avatars of both bloggers and compare. Take a deep breath, a few minutes, and compare our posts. I am sure that unless you are totally illiterate, you will realize your place and that you are not allowed in my league. Peace!
Remember compare first, read!
My rule about writing about my family members is to ask myself if what I'm writing could in any way be used by their peer group to taunt them. If I can envision my post coming back to bite my kid, I don't post it. That's why precious little is published about my sixteen year old.
I'm assuming that BFTQ doesn't think that any of the content is inappropriate for her kid's peer group to see now or in the next couple of years. Having taught at middle school, I don't really see it that way. Maybe her home school socialization group is more evolved than the public school masses, for her kid's sake I hope they are.
Read through the whole thing. There's a very clear asshole who emerges.
I just don't want this to be something, including all those key words used in peoples tirades, to INVITE predators.
I thought this should have been deleted the minute I read the title - I am trained to have red flags.
And, unfortunately, there's not much here worth saving.
Except for a writer who , I think, deserves another chance. I hope you stick around BFTQ. I think you were entirely wrong, but I appreciated how you defended your actions and opinions.
I am eager to hear your thoughts. That's what it's all about.
I'm a feminist. I believe in equal rights without exception.
I don't think being mean and over the top critical of a post, that was clearly meant to be harmless, has anything to do with that --but more to do with the sad fact that many of our fellow humans are bitches and bastards. Men can be bitches. Women can be bastards. It's not even gender specific. But, you know it when you see it.
However, I am baffled at the reaction to this article and the fear about potential predators it evokes.
You won't ever find me dancing around with glee in a blog because one of my girls "got their period" (and we have a total of 7 girls and 10 boys ranging in age from 32 down to 2 in this family so believe-you-me I've been down the primrose path of periods a few times already. ). Nor will you ever find me discussing my children's sexuality in a blog. Sorry but that is private information (in both cases) and should be kept strictly private.
According to the US Department of Justice:
â– In 1999, the last year that a National Survey on sexual assault was conducted, an estimated 285,400 children were victims of a sexual assault1 and 35,000 were victims of some other type of sex offense.
â– An estimated 44 percent of the child victims of sexual assault and other sex offenses experienced an act of sexual penetration.
â– Sexual assault victims were disproportionately female
(89 percent) and ages 12 to 17 (81 percent).
â– Most (95 percent) of the sexual assault victims were
assaulted by a male.
â– Police were contacted in regard to only 30 percent
of the sexually assaulted children.
Let me add the DoJ definitions for you...
Rape: Rape is forced sexual intercourse, meaning vaginal, anal, or oral penetration, including penetration by a foreign object and oral sex, where “force” includes both psychological coercion (threat) as well as physical force.
Attempted Rape: An attempted rape is an incident in which the perpetrator intends to force the victim to have sexual intercourse
or oral sex, including verbal threats of rape, but the perpetrator does not penetrate the victim or successfully engage in oral sex.
Sexual Assault: Sexual assault is separate from rape or attempted rape and is a mutually exclusive category. Sexual assaults involve unwanted sexual contact and must include the use or attempted use of force or threat. Unwanted sexual contact occurs when the perpetrator touches the child’s private parts (defined as breasts, genitals, and buttocks) on skin or on top of clothes or when the child is forced or coerced to touch the perpetrator’s private parts on skin or on top of clothes.
Attempted Sexual Assault: An attempted sexual assault is an unsuccessful attempt at unwanted sexual contact that is not an attempted rape and does not actually involve any unwanted sexual
contact. An attempted sexual assault can occur only with the use or attempted use of force or threat. An attempted sexual assault includes any mention of the term “attempted or tried to” in conjunction with any sexual assault, molestation, or sexual abuse that is not classified as an attempted rape. If any touching of sexual
areas actually occurs, then the incident is an actual rather than attempted sexual assault.
Am I a pervert? Well... Likely I AM by most definitions since on any given day I can have between 1 and 3 wives and between 2 and 4 husbands.
I honor your experience, know you are a trauma survivor as I am, and I can assure you there is one serious flaw in your reasoning. When you said this: ""Stranger Danger" is a myth that imperils children. The internet is not the biggest threat to any child - her family and friends are" I knew that you are seeing this only through your own lens of personal experience not staying open to the idea that it could be BOTH. It is not either/or.
That is why I commented as I know you are a good mother with the best of intentions, we all are, but your experience does not preclude the other dangers in the world just because you didn't experience them. Trauma survivors have blind spots until they don't. I know that to be true of myself.
These are smart, savvy, good women here; I have agreed and disagreed with all of them and done so respectfully.
No one is ashamed of your daughter getting a period. Wonderful! I think we are a generation trying to move things forward in that department. It does not preclude the idea her safety was risked about how that share happened. Please reconsider.
I will PM this to you as well.
You're not a father but you are an asshole.
I would like to know how old a kid has to be before you have sex with them, how old?
i am not going to get into a battle with anyone. we lost our 19 yr old to leukemia after she had battled it for 5 yrs. the loss of a child is devastating. you are left damaged and bereft, and will stay that way. there will always anguish.
it is simply a matter of privacy and erring on the side of safety, imho. i haven't seen any religion-based positions. i haven't seen any woman here put down the basis of the blog, just the fear of ramifications from, again, not all men but that one who could desire to harm this child.
n-o-t-h-i-n-g that would be a ten year old girl here.
-- 246-254 sexual predators within driving distance of BFTQ's home.
-- 186 that they have exact work/home addresses for, and
-- 60-68 that are registered in the city, but they can't currently map to a location.
It's a lovely story, and I'm glad BFTQ's daughter is so comfortable with her body. Best to post things like this without any identifiers such as photos or references to where the child lives.
According to The National Center for Victims of Crime , the chance that a child will become a victim of a sex offender is 1 in 3 for girls and 1 in 6 for boys.
Glad to see the photo came down, but the original is already cached at Google, along with Mom's photo, child's photo AND the city.
I am going to wish you a big heaping spoonful of shut-the-fuck-up.
This post is NOT about you. You are not a parent. What you clearly are is someone who has unresolved trauma of your own and is spewing it all over this blog post. To assume because you have been raped by your parent that no one else has is NUTS just because they don't share your viewpoint. It shows how clueless and boundary-less you are and want to enforce someone else's lack of judgment around boundaries to cover your own ass and not have to look at yourself. You don't know everything and I am so sick of hearing that you do - especially about matters of a sexual nature.
I rarely loose my temper - but you have earned it. You need help. Get some.
Some women were concerned and with good reason. Some delivery may have been direct, but the intentions were well founded.
I find it ironic that the only comment to my post addressed whether a statistic is accurate instead of the fact that this little girls photo along with the city she lives in are cached at Google.
Like Emma, this is why I'm not here much.
and, as with the hate, there has been enough freaking out to go around.
sorry, your mistake. i was saying that if you didn't have children you wouldn't think along those lines, ie about potential predators.
the chip on your shoulder it yours. i have not attacked anyone here. you want to play with word meanings. fine, have at it. i was and still am mother to my daughter and also a son. if that's labeling, then so be it. it's what i am.
This is a response to the France thing. I repeat it is only about France. A post like this will not raise one eye brow in France. Why? because I said so, and let's leave it at that.
"I was dismayed. I'd tried to portray sex as something wondrous and beautiful." Of course your daughter would think sex is disgusting....she's only ten. She should react with disgust at that age. I'd be worried if she didn't!
When your comments are longer than the original post, you need to consider writing a post on your own blog.
off-putting or wrong-headed.
Not a clinician here, just a writer who spends a lot of time trying to fathom human behavior - both real and imaginary.
Essentially because I'm a man.
Apart from the fact that I'm a man, I suggest that it is never ok to use that kind of language on a post destined for a ten year old.
We are all just blips on a screen.
We are all so fucking broken.
http://open.salon.com/blog/just-walt/2009/06/05/dont_hang_your_daughters_softball_pants_from_your_antenna
That is one of the most beautiful and nurturingly maternal statements I have ever heard!
Simply beautiful...as is this post of a mother's love which is so apparent.
The mother/daughter bond is sacred and all that is imparted within it's loving boundaries.
The woman used questionable judgment, not in writing about her 10-year-old daughter's growing up, but in doing so in such a way that her daughter could be identified.
She's since fixed that issue.
There's nothing pornographic in this post.
Grow up, people.
I don't see what all the hub bub is about. It's a post on celebration and I'm assuming by the words "good blood" that BFTQ was just relieved it wasn't something wrong with her daughter. This post is of a loving nature and this is "open salon" still, right? Sometimes I wonder. I think "attack salon" on some days.
rated
After your next post and FusunA's about this, I'm not going to read all the comments on this because the negative ones will only ruin my day I am sure. I just wanted to read your post and am so glad I did. I could picture the amazing happy relationship you must have with your babygirl, truly wonderful amazing and beautiful, I do believe you and your attitude has brightened my day!!!!
RATED
I'm leaving but not before rating this article!!! PFFFFT!! :)
I am a bisexual male of the middle-class educated variety. I was once a lower-class kid from the scrappy side of town. I do business with rich and powerful people and am happy to call many of them close friends.
I have met women in all three of these categories who have been molested, violated or raped. More than a dozen of them. And there are, I am sure, many more who have not confided their stories in me because of shame, or because it just hasn't come up.
Hurling invectives at "feminists" isn't doing anyone any good. Your "rape was popular" comment is entirely inappropriate. Why can't you just acknowledge that rape is a serious matter, and that those who have suffered it have the right to be sensitive to the matter?
As far "loving women," I hear that from men all the time who disrespect women. They think because they know how to get one in bed that they are some kind of monument to sexual equality. But the moment you start lumping women into a "you people" box, you devalue them. That's no way to show love. Women have a right to their opinions as much as you do. No one here is faulting men. This post was by a woman, about a woman's issue, and frankly, all of us with Y chromosomes are a little out of our element talking about it. You were the first one to push the "man-hater" button.
That said, I agree that if BFTQ is identifiable and locatable by her profile, and if she posted a picture of her daughter, and this graphic tale of her entry into womanhood, it's a little irresponsible as a mother. Is it worthy of a death sentence? No.
Am I ready to call Children's Services? No, and neither should any of us be.
Are there pedophiles cruising OS looking for photos of 10-year-old sexually fertile girls? Probably not.
Could they google that and find the picture? Absolutely.
So am I glad she took down the picture? Yes.
Should the essay have been written? Yes, no, I don't know. It is refreshing that BFTQ is teaching her daughter that menstruation is natural and not scary, and nothing to be ashamed or frightened of.
But is it something to be proud of? I won't really answer that. If the girl wanted to tell all her friends, no one would call her down. But the mother? That's a different story. It is all well and good that she consulted with her daughter, but indeed, a 10-year-old cannot give informed consent, so that's really no defense. The photo is reckless, and yes, it may cause the girl grief later, but this matter is probably more important to all of us on OS than it will ever be to her.
All in all, my thoughts are that this is a "so what?" essay for most of us that is important to BFTQ because of her history of abuse. Good on her for making her daughter proud to be a woman. Bad on her for exploiting her child's privacy in such a public forum. Bad on us for tearing each other to shreds over an issue that really is, honestly, a no-brainer: rape is bad. Period.
Shall we move on?
1. Many of the comments criticizing this post could be expressed as a sort of mathematical equation:
Discussing daughter's first period + posting daughter's photo and location information = daughter is a target for sexual predators on the internet.
It appears to me illogical to single out this post for putting BFTQ's daughter at risk of sexual predators:
Everyone who posts ANY photo of ANY child on the internet with ANY information that could lead to that child being identified is putting their child at risk in the same way. It isn't the content of the post that is the problem here.
So if anyone you know puts cute pictures of their children on Facebook or Myspace...perhaps you should warn them, too.
2. The poster is correct in saying that "stranger danger" is overblown. Despite the media coverage given to the real, and horrifying, instances of child sexual assault where the predator found the child via the internet, CHILDREN ARE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO BE SEXUALLY ABUSED BY SOMEONE THEY KNOW PERSONALLY. Parents, relatives, neighbours, family acquaintances.
(I know this from my volunteer work on violence against women and children. If anyone actually reads this post and wants references, PM me and I'll dig 'em up.)
3. While I do have some reservations about BFTQ posting the photo because of the risk of her daughter being embarrassed in future, I think it's not terribly likely. BFTQ has raised her daughter to be completely free of the shame usually related to menstruation, and got her daughter's consent before posting.
My first reaction on seeing the topic was "ick." That was completely my own baggage, and I'm glad I read the post. This mother deserves to be supported, not censured.
And 278 comments!!!! Whoa!
It seems unlikely that any predator would waste time on OS when MySpace and Facebook are available.
The younger generation has a very different view of privacy and boundaries. When there are millions and millions and millions of pictures of minors on the internet, no specific minor seems at particular risk. Chill, people.
Nothing is going to change if we are frightened to speak of the processes of our bodies, you guys. We shouldn't be afraid of that.
I didn't see the picture. Was she naked? Because yes that would be a mistake. Otherwise ... well ... I think it will be fine. I think bad people will do bad things whether you discuss the beautiful workings of the body or not. Whether you include a photo or not. And I'll be honest, I think y'all are making a huge old ball of something out of utterly and completely nothing. It's a period. Not the Second Coming of the Pedophiles. Pun intended. Pedophiles will remain pedophiles whether this woman talks about her daughter or not. And if we decide we are too afraid to discuss the inner workings of our bodies, out there, proud and lovingly, then we are the fools, locked in our homes, scared shitless of our shadows.
I cannot teach my daughter to live that way myself.
I'm a survivor as well, and know very well that 'boundaries' can be an issue for me. Now you know to protect yourself here on OS. Good luck! There's always the option to 'close comments,' too.
Rated for creating a great relationship with your daughter.