Kidding - I don't have a son.
Got your attention though, didn't I?
I'm glad, because I want to share this poem with you:
My daughter spreads her legs
to find her vagina:
hairless, this mistaken
bit of nomenclature
is what a stranger cannot touch
without her yelling. She demands
to see mine and momentarily
we're a lopsided star
among the spilled toys,
my prodigious scallops
exposed to her neat cameo.
And yet the same glazed
tunnel, layered sequences.
She is three; that makes this
innocent. We're pink!
she shrieks, and bounds off.
Every month she wants
to know where it hurts
and what the wrinkled string means
between my legs. This is good blood
I say, but that's wrong, too.
How to tell her that it's what makes us--
black mother, cream child.
That we're in the pink
and the pink's in us.
I wish I could claim authorship to that poem, but I can’t. It was written by the pulitzer prize winning poet Rita Dove. She published it with both her face and her name when her daughter, Aviva, was four years old.
Since then, this poem has been available in libraries and bookstores all over the United States and Europe. Ms. Dove has also read this poem on television programs that were broadcast all over the world.
"My daughter spreads her legs to find her vagina, hairless..."
Yesterday, I posted a blog about my daughter's first menstrual period. You'd have thought I sold her to sex traffickers.
Ironically, the flood of negative comments drew much more attention to the post than it would have received otherwise. Actually - I only expected some of my "regulars" to read the post, or comment.
I think my daughter is so beautiful, and I am so proud of her. That's why I posted her photo. Big Mistake. Apparently, according to one commenter, "...there is no such thing... as a non-porn picture of a little girl." Sigh. I didn't tell her I took her photo down. I would hate for her to think of herself as pedophile bait. She's so open and joyful and free -and those are qualities of strength that will always help her move safely in the world.
Here are excerpts from some of the comments made on my blog yesterday, demanding that I delete the post (you can read them in their full context on the previous page).
"...I'm about *this* close to flagging this post, just to protect YOUR daughter from YOU. "
"...You have voices in here imploring you to pull your head out of your ass. Voices who rarely, if ever, agree.
When does your arrogance take a break and let your brain take over?"
"Please Protect your DAUGHTER and take this post down NOW. "
"Flagged for sexual exploitation of a minor. You should be ashamed of yourself. "
"This is a first for me. I have never flagged a post since I joined OS. It really makes me feel sad for the child involved that her mother just doesn't get it. "
"...Apparently this mother is more thrilled with her role as a blogger than she is in her role as a mother bear protecting her child against any and all threats - real or imagined." (my bold)
"I think your post is an invasion of her privacy. My friends in Europe, South America and Central America agree. God only knows how many perverts have saved your little girl's photo!
Shame on you!"
"That the mother leaves it up after ten hoursafter people began noticing and asking her to think of her child first, second and third....pretty much says it all. "
"If my ex posted this about my daughter I would haul her ass over coals"
"You are refusing to take the post down and don't have a clue about appropriate boundaries."
During the time when most of these comments were posted, I was out with my daughter and one of her friends. I had taken them to get pizza and ice cream, after which we came home and watched The Simpson's movie.
I had no idea so many people were screaming at me to delete my post - especially after I'd taken down my daughter's (precious, adorable) photo.
But this is America, and public floggings are a long-cherished tradition. They have always been an effective form of social control and censorship.
I know, I know. The angry commenters "care" about my daughter - in the same way right-to-lifers "care" about unborn babies: In the abstract. Somehow, that fails to touch my heart.
The escalating hysteria over my apparent refusal to give in to the commenters' demands did not feel at all related to concern for my child.
Actually, the commenters frightened me. Well-meaning people who KNOW they are right can be extremely dangerous. Which is why I chose to hide my face and city. (Big Fat Trauma Queen is not my real name, but some commenters seemed a bit confused on that point).
I have learned so much from this experience. And I will use it as a life lesson for my powerful, glorious girl.
You see, my daughter is not a shrinking violet. Someday, she will say or do something that she deeply believes in, and people will attack her for it. They will probably attack her in cowardly ways - anonymously, or as part of a mob.
That's when I will show her the comments from all of those people who care so much about her. I will tell her that it hurts to have people try to tear you down when you won't pretend to agree with them, or won't live your life the way they want you to.
But I will tell her that it hurts much more to deny your truth in exchange for acceptance and approval.
At the end of the day, it's ourselves we have to live with.
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snarkychaser
Betamale
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Colony of Losers
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Comments
That poem is wonderful. And you are correct, WE are the one we have to live with.
I'm glad to see that you removed the identifying info and photos, though, at least till she's older. Not so much because of internet predators, but because kids can be really cruel, and at 10 years old, she doesn't quite realize yet what she might be getting herself into having that kind of information out on the internet.
Rated
Whether we agree or disagree with your stance, the wiser among us will certainly see your wisdom, your dedication, your courage. -r-
Glad you learned a lesson. I did too.
Sorry that you had to experience that strange vulture madness.
Hilarious title for the new post. So glad you are back and rearing to go.
While I would not have posted the photo, myself, I was stunned at the vitriol that was spewed at you.
rated.
It was a war of egos that had nothing to do with protecting children. I don't buy that it was for a second. Unfortunately it engaged a very ugly side of OS. One I will no further participate in.
I'm glad your daughter was no where near this place or cyber space.
Great post
rated
Rated.
Let's not lose sight of THAT part of the disaster.
BFTQ - This is a wonderful response and, y'know, a great point for discussions. I thank you for seeing your own points clearly, even though.... I wish you would take down that post.
At this point, I wish you would delete it because it is the worst of OS.
I still think you went too far, I still think you're a brilliant writer, I still want to see you around and hope you feel the same.
That's it! Unless you want to meet my Great - great-great - great Grandfather. He is pretty cool - I would love for you to stop by.
You are a strong and healthy mom, more so than the majority of moms out there, certainly more so than mine and she was pretty good (eventually).
I feel you've done the right thing in celebrating this moment in your daughter's transformation. You are celebrating not only the onset of your daughter's menses but also the high quality relationship you have, the latter being by far the most significant, imho.
Anyone with lesser parent-child relationships should be envious and, frankly, that envy may be what stirred the hornets' nest. Many Americans have a hard time seeing their "competitors" succeed, in any field.
Good luck to you and yours. May the rest of her puberty be this joyful.
As to yesterday, I fear many of the comments were misunderstood and intentionally dissected for personal gain by some people with less than honorable intentions. I found no fault with the well meaning women who thought only to protect an innocent child. My thoughts are much less charitable for the man who attempted to hijack the post and turn it into a forum for his own emotional shortfalls. If I an upset about anything, it was the unwillingness of so many to walk away from futile discussion and instead kept refueling the fire by responding to such an obviously deluded person.
In the end, there is no greater career than than to be responsible for the formation, care and protection of another human being. If we can each look ourselves in the mirror and say we did the best we could, than no sleep will be lost. But just like there are levels of quality to the products we buy, there are levels of parenting.
My father in law lives in a high crime area in south central LA. Yet, he strolls about the neighborhood, day or night, as if he lived in a Stepford community. He has no intention of moving. Crime reports do not concern him. Even getting shot in the leg during an attempted robbery did not dampen his resolve to remain in the area, or cause him to change his personal habits. I admire the man for being at peace with the world around him in spite of the potential danger. He chooses to focus on the 90% of the population, who are well intentioned individuals, rather than the 10% that may be up to no good.
Fear can be a dangerous thing, as evidenced by how our country has changed in the aftermath of 9/11. Aside from that, we’ve reserved special concern for the safety of our children. As an example, some youth sports teams refrain from putting children’s names on their uniforms, to protect them from being lured away by a potential predator.
I’m glad you removed the picture of your daughter from your post. I’m certain you would not want it to become masturbation material for some pervert, or for some sick-o to become obsessed with finding her. Neither of these things may have actually come to pass, but I personally feel better that you decided to err on the side of caution.
my only concern was for the child. not in the abstract, but as reality. i support a mother/daughter celebrating the start of a period. it is good. it is a part of living life as a girl/woman. but to pretend or deny that bad things happen to good people is not practical. between the picture and the location of the town, it would not be hard for someone with less than honorable intentions to carry out something like this:
On June 5, 2002, 14-year-old Elizabeth Smart was taken from her bedroom in Salt Lake City.
i lost my daughter after a 5 yr battle with leukemia. she was dx'd at 14 and passed at 19. the loss of a child has been called the greatest loss of all and it barely covers it.
why take the chance? it has nothing to do with celebrating life, or being free or taking a stand. it has to do with protecting a little one.
I was hoping for a really good story about your son getting laid. That sounds interesting. Maybe you should make one up. For fiction friday.
:)
Please, someone, inform me how THAT leads to any sort of rational conversation.
And, y'know, I have an OPEN blog for anything anyone wants to say about this.
Let's never lose sight of what two people can do to bring down the morale and the integrity of OS.
(Bring it on. Heh.)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your original post BFTQ, unless of course being truthful and open (as in OPEN Salon) is not allowed.
I'm with you all the way on this one.
Oh, good post above btw.
This makes me proud to be on OS. Thank you BFTQ, what Just Cathy said, and thank you Just Cathy.
And thank you, LadyMiko.
Thank you, Fusun, for your class and integrity, I know you don't need it, but praise is warranted and well deserved.
Thank you scanner, you da man.
Thank you Robin Sneed, KyleKydman and aim.
Thank you everyone for your kindness.
Thank you to the 3 C Tribe--I don't mean the bad word--and the T woman for not showing up on this post today.
Finally, they say that blogging is mostly writing about your feelings. When a blogger is so proud of her achievements as a mother, writes a most wonderfully innocent post about the most innocent of feelings and wants to share that with her readers, the readers must acknowledge the beauty and share the happiness.
Sending a PM telling the blogger to change names and take a perfectly innocent picture down is overzealous, but it is the only way to go if you are *really* concerned about the child.
Yet, destroying the happiness, hopes and dreams of a proud mother on her own blog, over and over and over and over again can never be construed as a kind act. I hope the child did not read the comments.
We may have our ideological differences on OS, but we must remember that we all thrive for that original post. We must give credit when we see one. Be Kind.
write on!
Being a judgmental asshole is apparently how some folks get their kicks - and in the anonymous world of the Internet, they're like fat kids in an endless candy store. So much to bitch about!
rated
It was nasty.
I just hope BFTQ is okay out there, and aware that others see the truth.
In many of your many, many comments, I see you accusing BFTQ of a 'lack of boundaries.' Project, much?
Because the person who is demonstrating a pathological lack of boundaries in this situation is YOU, Bonnie Russell.
You have expressed your opinion repeatedly. Your opinion has been heard, acknowledged and understood. Yet you keep repeating it. Over and over and over and over and over. What is that about? Do you expect BFTQ to change her entire life, her relationship with her daughter, her opinions, her creativity, because YOU don't happen to like them?
BFTQ has not done anything illegal; she is not hiring her daughter out as a prostitute, involving her in child pornography or abusing her in any way. She is not insulting her daughter, belittling her daughter, or shaming or humiliating her--in the way you seem determined to shame and humiliate BFTQ.
You've made your point. Now. Leave. These. Nice. People. Alone.
There are, however, a few ladies who could use a good horn-trimming. You know who you are. Get a life.
R
Glad to see Pretty Lady and others standing up for what's right.
Rated.
The furor,..disheartening.
Keep writing, my friend.
I can't wait for the deluge of posts tomorrow. And has anyone here actually read some of this blogger's other posts? I have, and they are very disturbing by pretty much anyone's standards. I'm not arguing with her right to post what she does, but I have the right to say that it is passing strange, particularly in light of what she posted yesterday.
So, can't wait to see all those photos of your minor children plastered all over OS tomorrow. I mean, we should walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And inappropriate display of minor children are the first step on that path, or so it seems.
I also think if BFTQ really was named that, and it was clear who the child was, then it should have been taken down. If there is a sliver of a chance that the child will be shamed or face future shame than ...yeah... it should go down. I don't think anyone disagrees with that. But, it's the sanctimonious bullshit way the pile up happened that angered many here - too much vague accusatory bullshit about "boundaries" and over all there was a sense that if they cared so much about the child they wouldn't be so damned mean to the mother.
To Pretty Lady and John Blumenthal, take it away...[applause]
To BFTQ - wow. Betcha never saw this one coming. You've bounced back with the opening on your post here though so I'm not worried, you've got chops. *back patting* Hang in there and take a vacay for a day or two ~ you've earned it.
Sugar was my hampster that stored too many carrots in his cheeks and they exploded. Or so my parent told me.
*wails
I'm guessing it was the removed photo that got folks all up in arms at you, since I read the "offending" post and thought, "THIS is what everyone's screaming over???" It was a sweet testimony to your daughter's natural feminine strength as far as I can tell. You didn't mention her full name, nor yours, unless you edited it out or stated your real name in one of your other posts, thus enabling perverts to easily locate you and your daughter.
But people around here often think they're the oooonly ones who know what's right and dagnabbit, you doggone better listen to them, live for and revere their opinions or your life will go to hell in a handbasket. Ugh.
And it looks like they're back for another heapin' helpin' today. Sheesh. "Well-meaning", "concerned", my ass. Self-congratulatory and bully-loudmouthed is more like it.
I'm rootin' for ya, bftq.
Rrrrrrrrated!
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