Sometimes I think my heart is a Pandora's Box.
No - not my heart. My, uhm (trying to think of a word that isn't crudely clinical or rudely pornographic) - I know! Yoni! That'll work.
My yoni is a Pandora's Box. And I need to keep a tight lid on it to avoid being a danger to myself and others.
I've been told I exude sexual energy. And not just by people who were trying to sleep with me.
"Your sexual energy is pretty intense," my gay male friend told me.
I think that "intense" sexual energy of mine is a kind of poison. It hurts me and it hurts other people. It tricks them into seeing me as someone I'm not - and it drives their interest away from the responses of my spirit, toward the responses of my lips and skin.
Sex makes me interchangeable.
Okay, you therapists out there - How much of this has to do with my being a father-daughter incest "survivor"?
Daddy's sexy little princess. That was me. Four years old and hot hot hot.
You know when the incest started to hurt the most? When I was twelve and my period started. And Daddy no longer wanted to fuck me. That's when.
"Women's bodies are ugly," he used to say.
I had become a woman and failed. I had lost him.
I've been trying to win him back ever since.
It's amazing how easy it is to have sex, to be sexy, to seduce, to inspire lust.
Why can't love be that easy? Why can't trust be that easy?
I've been trading sex for love since before I can remember. It's a failed policy. But I don't know how to capture a heart - however briefly - in any other way.
When I am lonely, I seduce. And I am too often lonely. That might be an incest thing, too. Living on borrowed time in the hearts of others. Turning tricks for attention, for approval, for adoration and praise.
And when puberty begins, and your sexiness is devoured by the appearance of breasts and curves and pubic hair - what's left to love?
According to Daddy - nothing. Not one thing.
It is so much easier to feel sexy than it is to feel lovable. It is so much easier to turn people on and earn a place in their beds, than to open people up and earn a place in their hearts.
Far too often, a pheromonal fog obscures the path to what could be love, in one form or another, and sends us spinning off the road into a ditch, or off a cliff.
Orgasms are vastly over-rated and far less elusive than intimacy, tenderness, and the growth of genuine friendship.
Very recently, I used my sexuality to deepen a friendship. And may have destroyed it instead.
I am grieving.
Everywhere I look, Sex Sells. Sex sells clothing, food, automobiles, cosmetics, surgical "enhancements", magazines, movies - everything!
But what does sex cost? What does "sexiness" cost?
I've been asking myself that question all of my life.
And today I feel bankrupted. By sex.
Again.
So, for now, there's nothing left to do but to take a deep breath, walk my dog, make breakfast for my daughter, eat Reese's Puffs straight out of the box (yummy), and continue the work of replenishing my heart.
And to remind myself : it is the part of me most worth having.
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Comments
I so identify....but hope that your friendship survives....
much love on your quest to replenish your heart.
you deserve to be loved for your heart and mind.
Speaking as a therapist, off the cuff, How much of your pattern of sexualizing your relations lo these many years hence has to do with the incest? I'm guessing you already know. And your knowledge is much more accurate than anything anyone else can tell you.
You are already on your path to wholeness - you already know that the most important things are taking deep breaths, walking the dog, feeding your daughter her breakfast, eating Reese Puffs (AND YES, STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOX - that's the ONLY way!), and perhaps most important of all - continuing to replenish your heart.
~r!!
Sex is cheap, and easy, particularly if that's what -and how- you have been taught. I remember sex that left me epty and hollow and sex that was just something that my body could do with another body and it would never reach my heart. There were a number of years in which I lost the knowledge of what it was to make love, but I've been fortunate in having been helped to remember.
I am not surprised that you describe sex and sexual experience as you do. Although not every incest survivor will use the same language or have the same thoughts about it, but many I know would echo your words and experience. I wish you well.
You might be sexy, but you are also interesting and profound. There is plenty to fall in love with.
I don't have any clever thoguhts. But I do know that while I have been able to live for months without sex, without missing it too much (I have old fractures in my pelvis, and I'm pregnant, so I can barely walk let alone imagine doing anything adventurous with my body). It's like a switch has gone to sleep in my husband and me, although we could not go a day without intimacy, without kissing, or curling together in the dark. And giving up sex has been the least challenging part of this pregnancy. Although I have to say, I do look forward to resuming it once my body is back to being my own.
You had no other frame of reference in your childhood which is the tragic component of this.
You are a some survivor, and you should be very proud of yourself.
For those who haven't had the pleasure of talking with BFTQ by phone: She has the greatest and easiest laugh imaginable, and is just a top of the heap kind of person. Great listener and makes you feel like a million.
I didn't pick up on the sexual energy, but I best stay out of Santa Rosa, after this post.
-R-
I love your straightforward talk; it is refreshing.
Excellent post, rated.
I'm not a therapist but you've written about a subject in a way that I've never read.
Since so many folks here have found it necessary to say 'I'm not a therapist' (we know that), I'll just say as a connoisseur of human behavior, it's a rare person that has a good grasp of the separate nature of the self and the watcher. One avenue to wisdom is learning from our experiences and putting them in perspective. Your writing here shows you're quite a ways down that road. And if there's any doubt, only the wise know the only way to approach Reeses' Puffs is with a deep breath and a plunge straight into the box!
That sentence, perhaps, deserves a rating all by itself.
Reese's Puffs, M&M's or Coffee Ice Cream?
{[R]}
". . . continue the work of replenishing my heart.
And to remind myself : it is the part of me most worth having."
What a beautiful thought, and one I hope we can all hold on to.
~R~
If your freindship is true then im sure you will manage to salvage the main part of your relationship, even though it might take a little time, i hope so anyway
Thanks for being a great read
and PS, nothing is easy about life, nothing. But you know what is the best part! Friends last longer than sex. And all we really have is our own self.
Your blog has inspired me. I dunno how to explain it, but the things you say just amaze, and the things you've gone through make it apparent that you're one of the strongest people around.