I've written about being genderqueer before. Due to societal pressure (really sick of being called faggot and dyke, really sick of being denied oppurtunities because people can't figure out if I'm a boy, really needing unbiased letters of reccomendation from professors) I'm in the closet.
I still dress like a boy most days, but I grew my hair out, try to remember to shake my ass when I walk, and present myself as female in everything but my ID. I gesture more, stare down strangers in the street less, make sure I don't cup my hand over my cigarette in the rain, and always examine the bottoms of my shoes by turning my head backwards and raising my foot, instead of bring the foot up to face me. (A little triumph was having my sex listed as male on my ID. It should be anyway.) I hate it. I hate having to conform so that I can get ahead. I hate when my psych professor says that transsexuals are mentally ill, and I can't speak up without outing myself. I hate when my lit professor laughed at the notion of genderqueer people, and I can't speak up without outing myself. If I do so, I may possibly earn scorn and poorer assesment that my cis peers, and due to the prof's prejudices, I don't think that's unlikely.
So to all of you who silenced yourselves for one day, I wish you had spent that day talking about people like me, trying to get some acceptance for us. You have no idea, you one day of silence people, what it feels like to deny yourself every fucking second because you have to, if you want to get ahead in this society.
When I was out, the only jobs I ever got were as clerks without benefits. I just wasn't a 'good fit' anywhere else, even Denny's. So I ran a little cost benefit analysis, and decided that I had to default to female, just so that others could be comfortable. The only person I can truly relax around is my husband, who has no problem being married to a man.
So please, can we have a day of talk? Of informing the populace that being gay or genderqueer is all right so I can get out of this closet all ready?
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Robin Sneed
Maureenow
Elizabeth Stark
aim
john blumenthal
GirlyBoyMama
Salon.com
Comments
E. Stark
@ Monsieur Chariot: You're right about everyone having to make concessions, and the misfits being more interesting, but even without the gender queer thing I'm a strange duck. The DoS just hit a nerve with me, as some (mostly straight and white) people can take up my cause for just a day, without even realizing what they are doing. It's like thinking that you're a political activist because you own a Che shirt, y'know?
I think I may have not explained myself well enough. I was not offended at all by your post, and I definitely (God I hate spelling that word- I always end up spelling defiantly instead) did not feel that you were belittling other alternative sexualities. I just wanted you to know that you have my support in more ways then one because I, in turn, am also of an alt-sexuality.
I am gearing up with some research for my "day of loudness" open call- which I believe I will be posting today. When I do so, I shall link this entry in my post, and I will comment with a link to the OC. Sorry to keep spamming your post- hopefully multiple comments from the same OSer isn't one of your pet peeves. =)
E. Stark