Musings on the Death of My Perfect Partner

Fresh from Birch Creek

John A Bayerl

John A Bayerl
Location
Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA
Birthday
May 30
Bio
My wife of 47+ years died at home with me at her side, on November 12, 2010. She and I, together with our children and many friends and relatives, fought her cancer for four years, seven months and a week. This blog acknowledges her courage and exemplary life. She taught us how to live, and she taught us how to die. The blog also honors the love she shared with everyone who knew her.I am a retired school counselor and college professor.

MY RECENT POSTS

MY RECENT COMMENTS

John A Bayerl's Links

MY LINKS
JANUARY 30, 2012 1:42PM

WHY THEN DOES MY HEART?

Rate: 4 Flag

Why then does my heart still feel sad and lonely?
Why then does this feeling, like fear, settle in my stomach
at each memory of a touch,  an  embrace?
It’s been more than one full year—
why then does it still matter that I come home
to an empty house?
Why then does time seem irrelevant and empty—
the same time I used for matters
that don’t matter anymore?
Why then does it seem like this will last
forever and ever—
what was supposed to be the two of us?

John A. Bayerl, January 30, 2012

Sometimes it's good to have a Blue Monday.  Today is one of them.

It is a quiet Monday, Dear, the kind of day when you and I would enjoy being comfortable with each other, or perhaps a movie.  Definitely not a mall kind of day.

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:
Cancel

Comments

Type your comment below:
Cancel
I wish I had the words to ease your pain but no one does. I hope tomorrow is a better, maybe a happier day for you.
Lunchlady 2
January 30, 2012 04:26 PM
Thanks, Terri, as you, a writer also, well know, just the act of putting these feelings into words helps enormously. Then, to receive empathetic feedback. . .who could ask for more?
John A Bayerl
January 30, 2012 04:35 PM
Monday is the worst day of the week, except for the other six. I don't know how you deal with it, John. I'm glad you're posting here. It helps me see a little better.
Boanerges1
January 30, 2012 05:30 PM
I know why your heart does, mine does too. You write such beautiful love letters in these poems to your beloved wife.
rated with love
RomanticPoetess
January 30, 2012 05:38 PM
Have you seen the movie, "Shadowlands?" I'm a big C.S. Lewis fan and among my favorite lines in that film is this one: “The pain now is part of the happiness then.” This Blue Monday post reminds me of that movie. I like the way you structured this piece with the WHy thens, and the rhythm of the movement and progression...but this is so much more than a poem. Keep writing! We're here...and yes, giving form to feelings helps enormousely. Rated, John!
A Persistent Muse
January 30, 2012 08:12 PM
I hope the memories never go away. They will get smoother edges is all I am sure of. Everyone gets a blue Monday now and then. You are wise to acknowledge it. Tomorrow is another day.
BuffyW
January 30, 2012 09:15 PM
Au contraire, mon ami Boanerges1, it is you and others like you who help me see a little more clearly.
John A Bayerl
January 30, 2012 10:00 PM
Romantic One, you are such a constant sourced of support--thanks.
John A Bayerl
January 30, 2012 10:02 PM
Persistent Muse, you are the second person who has recommended Shadowland, I will get it. I too am a C. S. Lewis fan. Right after Gwen died I read his "A Grief Observed." and found it immensely helpful. In the introduction by woman who was widowed after a long marriage she makes the statement that losing a spouse is like an amputation. Isn't that the truth!?

I'd like to also PM this to you.
John A Bayerl
January 30, 2012 10:06 PM
Buffy, I don't think we use the word blue enough anymore. Gwen often used it as a way to describe her mood.
John A Bayerl
January 30, 2012 10:11 PM