Musings on the Death of My Perfect Partner

Fresh from Birch Creek

John A Bayerl

John A Bayerl
Location
Ann Arbor, Michigan, USA
Birthday
May 30
Bio
My wife of 47+ years died at home with me at her side, on November 12, 2010. She and I, together with our children and many friends and relatives, fought her cancer for four years, seven months and a week. This blog acknowledges her courage and exemplary life. She taught us how to live, and she taught us how to die. The blog also honors the love she shared with everyone who knew her.I am a retired school counselor and college professor.

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FEBRUARY 14, 2012 7:22AM

A VALENTINE WISH

Rate: 6 Flag


He sits there alone
in a red plastic chair
waiting to see the doctor—
 tries not to envy
the man and woman
across from him
arms folded
across their chests
the way old married people do.

Once we were like that.
         
At least they’re not holding hands
he mumbles to himself
then immediately regrets it
even wishes they would kiss
time together is so precious.

The man and woman
get up
to see the doctor—
he listens to the rhythm
of a heartbeat
looks at the two of them
and says
you should hold hands more
it’s good for the heart.

John A. Bayerl, February 14, 2012

Over the years I have kept and cherished valentine cards that Gwen gave me.  Each one has specific memories attached to it, but the one that means the most is a simple home-made one--a piece of red construction paper folded in half with a white, cutout heart glued to the front.

Above the heart she wrote:

To My Wonderful
      Husband

In the white heart she wrote, in red ink:

I Love You

Inside the card she wrote:

For loving me as I am,,
For being you,
For giving me you, 
          I love you,
              Gwen

Below all that she wrote:

P. S.  You are my Valentine!

No gifts were ever necessary, Dear, not when we had the gift of each other.  Oh, and that P. S. was kind of cute too.  




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This must be a hard day for you.

A little love story....my sister and I have been cleaning out my mom's things since she passed away last July. Her closets and drawers and shelves are stuffed with odd items she stashed and forgot. In the pocket of a jacket, I found a valentine she'd intended to give my dad, still in its envelope, never delivered. Inside, written in her shaky Alzheimer hand, "I love you." A moment long enough and lucid enough to tell him , before the fog closed back in.
A beautiful story, greenheron, thank you for sharing it. Maybe the most important thing about St. Valentine's Day is that it reminds us not to forget.
Thanks for visiting, Daisy Jane, your description of that picture is lovely. Hope you are having a happy St. Valentine's Day:)
When you share your Gwen with us you show us what love is and it is truly beautiful. I know she is smiling at you today...
L. L., I'm trying to make today a happy one, and, thanks to friend like you, I'm succeeding. Thanks.
I'm so glad that you have these notes as another way to remember the simple ways to share and show love. Your love was truly, truly a gift...
Yes, Outside Myself, we had a special love, and we knew it. That's what makes days like today so doggone hard. Thanks for the love.
I am sending you hugs, John...
We learn to be each other's valentines after a great love. You are one to me now.

I know you passed on some love to the couple in the doctor's office.

Lance used to give me cards, ones his secretary bought for him to give me. He probably thought I wouldn't know, but she is Mormon and he was Jewish, there were some fundamental differences. He always personalized it though and it meant the world to me the one year we went to dinner and he gave me an antique, three-strand pearl bracelet. It was the only real Valentine's gift he ever gave me...besides his love.
Thanks, outsidemyself, you have no idea how much it helps. . .
Buffy, you have become special also. As I was so lucky to find the Gwen and then share a great love with her, I now feel lucky in the same way that I have found you and the others who have shown me such loving kindness. Gwen has a hand in this.
Lovely thoughts in your poem, John. No doubt Feb 14 is difficult for you, as is every day without Gwen. Be grateful, and I know you are, for the time and love you shared and for the little memories like that card you have from her.
thinking of you and your missing her, john. the post was lovely and i bet that card still feels warm in your hand. oh, and i'm glad i was slow getting over here so i could read heron's comment, one of her best ever, and for you. xo
It is hard to be alone on days like Valentines day even if not in your particular situation I think. Although I will admit that half the time I forget days like this. It is my husband that remembers and it is the little things he does that make it wonderful. Like three yellow roses instead of red because my favorite rose is yellow. Happy belated Valentines Day John!
It is kind of a man's poem, isn't it, Smithery? I always enjoy hearing your wisdom. Thanks.
We made it through, Candace, thanks to friends like you. Peace.
That's really cool what you said about your husband and roses, Laura. Roses were an important part of Gwen's and my relationship. On the seven month anniversary of when we first met I sent her seven red roses. She later told me that those roses removed any doubts she may had about marrying me.