Shirvell refers to himself solely as a Concerned Michigan Alumnus who runs a pro-family, pro-Christian watch site. As a Bemused Occasional Blogger operating my own pro-government-officials-with-nerdy-kid-complexes site, I must express my support for Shirvell’s bullying.
[Author’s note: Admittedly, I will point out that putting things (like people’s occupations, arbitrary nouns, and the common articles the, an, and a) in quotation marks doesn’t constitute intelligent political discourse. It does, however, signify potential psychosis… Sir, do you believe these things aren’t real?]
Yo Assistant Attorney General! Hit me up with a mention! Link this shit! Down with the cool SGA kids! They think they’re so high and mighty… just ‘cause they can convince chicks to room with them in the Junior dorms. Whatever… at least we can be secure in the knowledge that one day we’ll end up brilliant, rich CEOs while those cool student “government” representatives flip “burgers” at “McDonald’s.”
This is how I imagine Andrew Shirvell’s first day of freshman year went down.
Stepping out of his mother’s station wagon onto the well-manicured, stately U of Michigan campus, Andy “Toadstool” Shirvell nervously massaged the peach fuzz he had spent the summer tenderly cultivating on his quivering upper lip.
Mrs. Shirvell: Andy! Andy! Don’t forget to study hard and meet a girl! Please meet a girl, Andy. I’d really like to win an argument with your father… just once. Kisses!
And with that, Toadstool found himself facing the glorious prospect of higher education – where the old caste system no longer applied. He would surely be recognized, perhaps even admired, for his stunning debate performances and crystallized editorials for Res Gestae. And never again would he lay eyes on the stinging words “Purple Nurple” scrawled on a school nurse discharge slip.
Yes. Our lovable hero was about to embark on the academic road to destiny… At least until about 3pm when he realized that his roommates had formed a sega genesis league without inviting him, someone wrote ‘Andy’s got a tiny weiner!’ on his whiteboard, and a sophomore girl tricked him into writing her 30-page honor’s thesis. His fate as a future Concerned Michigan Alumnus was sealed.
In his most recent post on Chris Armstrong Watch, Shirvell attacks the Jonas brothers… okay, not really. He attacks the Jones brothers, a trio of young journalists who wrote nasty things about the nasty things he wrote about Armstrong. But to overcome the gnawing boredom I faced while attempting unbiased research for this post, I amused myself by imagining the mop-topped Disney trio bullying Toadstool until, wiping the tears/snot from his face, Shirvell took to his loyal Dell Studio Notebook to viciously trounce the smug teen idols with a combination of scathing wit and the Lord’s personal espousal.
Either way, by the grace of the Almighty, Shirvell’s managed to scavenge facebook’s depths for all kinds of vaguely finger-wagging-worthy posts by Armstrong, Armstrong’s friends, Armstrong’s family, Armstrong’s pets, Armstrong’s dentist, businesses Armstrong frequents, people with names that sound like Armstrong, and of course snarky one-liners Armstrong may have clicked ‘like’ on.
So, to prove my loyalty to the Assistant Attorney General of Michigan, I’ve done the dirty work for him:
Indeed, Mr. Shirvell, please rest easy knowing you have my complete, 100% digital support for your campaign. So keep writing from the magical, crimeless wonderland known as central Michigan! I'll be reading... and sometimes imagining how you probably cry yourself to sleep at night.