Well, this is it. The end times are here. If we, as a society, can't be honest with ourselves now, when can we? While I wait in my panic room (dressed in my absolute finest -- they wear togas in heaven, right? -- sitting on a keg of water which will soon be turned into Miller High Life if the savior is worth his salt), I thought of a few universal truths we've all kept buried deep in our collective consciousness:
-- Julia Roberts is not a good actress. Charming? Cute? Smart? Would I pay $13 to see Larry Crowne? All of the above. Still. Not a good actress.
-- Shape-Ups are just Crocs with a little less ugly and a lot more desperation.
-- We only liked Sex and the City because of the shiny dresses, pretty shots of Manhattan and hot male guest stars. It was the opposite of empowering. All those critics who wrote essays praising it for feminist genius don't make any sense. Or they meant to write "flowery genius." "Floundering genius." "Fourteen-year-old-girl genius."
-- Most athletes, successful musicians, and late night talk show hosts are probably huge dicks.
-- If the Boy Meets World characters were real -- Eric is probably in a home somewhere. You know, where he can be taken care of. Topanga probably divorces Cory minutes after realizing he is, in fact, a selfish and spoiled moron incapable of learning a single meaningful lession -- even when one is spelled out for him literally every day by his very own wise, old mentor. Speaking of which... Mr. Feeny? Gay. Living alone and in the closet for 80 years.
-- Macaroni and cheese will never -- no mater how much lobster or truffle oil or leafy greens you add -- be classy. It will always look awkward paired with red wine in your fancy restaurant.
-- Everybody likes watches Hoarding, Animal Hoarding, Intervention, My Strange Addiction, Celebrity Rehab, and Kate plus 8. Everybody. People might avoid watching them. But only because they're afraid of how much they enjoy them.
-- Going extinct would be the greenest thing humans could possibly do.
-- The cute personal stories celebrity chefs tell while preparing food on TV might be made up.
There. I feel ready to meet my maker.