My High School classmate gave me passes to see his band, Nada Surf’s performance at the Bowery Ballroom last spring. This tour introduced their new Album if i had a hi-fi. They covered Depeche Mode’s Enjoy the Silence. I didn’t even recognize this version at the time. Over the months, I have listened to both versions. My meditation of the lyrics has made me realize that they have significant resonance for the world of virtual relationships
My words have been known to wound…I can be ruthless in my ability to cut through foibles. Yet isn’t silence just as damaging? What is not said is just as sharp a sword. The song implies that the energy felt between two hearts is what really matters. I believe the mind feels what it feels regardless of the reality. The body reacts to the mere thought of love or sex. Is a virtual love any less real to the mind? The body can produce all of the neurotransmitters from the thought alone. Is a virtual slight any less real if the mind perceives the intent to hurt?
Sometimes I think can feel your energy from your soul travel through the computer. On the screen, all I see are words but I feel your soul. On the phone I can hear a lie. Face to face I can see the slight roll of the eye, the look of disrespect or disgust accompanied by sweetened words. I can see the look for a split second of cold eyes-eyes that view me as if I am a bug under a microscope- because you can’t stop the cost benefit analysis that pulses through your brain with every interaction that causes your anxiety riddled self to wonder if you were mad to venture out of your sanctuary. I can smell a year of fear and stale sweat from a jacket that has been dry cleaned too infrequently. Over lunch I can see the slight choking movement when I tell you of my lovers. You know that you will never measure up to them yet you disparage them. I can see your fear. Fear that you are not enough. Yet you remain silent- it is your perceived strength…and your Achilles heel.