Because I am divorced, and because I don’t wish to spend my life alone as I am happiest in a loving relationship, I joined an internet dating sight. And my, oh my, what an eye-opening experience it has been. My friend, Ann, told me I might have to kiss a lot of frogs on the path to romance; Ann is a smart woman.
I find as I read profiles, or consider responding to the “winks” or emails sent to me there are warning flags, things that perhaps men don’t realize they are doing that are instant turn-offs, at least for me. I fully comprehend that women no doubt have equally awful dating profile tics, and that there are a proportionate number of frogettes to frogs in our world.
In the interest of being helpful, as we move into a new year during which (hopefully) some of us may find a good match, here are some things I find scream, “Danger Will Robinson! Danger!” as I peruse online dating sights:
Handles containing “luv,” “BigDaddy,” or any combination thereof such as “bigdaddywithluv4u,” incorporates your make and model of automobile, or anything approaching “lonely2nite.” Yes, we are all lonely or we wouldn’t be on a singles sight and while “BigDaddy” might to you suggest one who has become Zen with who and what he is, in my over-active imagination I see either Tennessee Williams’ Big Daddy who was a bit of a control freak and a dying man, or a sweaty beast trying to mount me. Neither is appealing.
For your primary profile picture, take off the bloody sunglasses. Really. Women need to see your eyes. How else can we make a determination if you’re a psycho or not? Or, is that why so many of you insist on profile pictures in which you are wearing sunglasses? Let me see your eyes; the wrinkles around them tell me you’ve smiled in life. Also, take off the hat, at least for that primary profile picture. If what you’re looking for is a reasonable woman in your own age-bracket, we realize you might not have the thick, lustrous locks of your youth and find a man with the manners to remove his hat indoors far more appealing than an insecure one covering up a thinning pate.
Profile pictures taken of you, by you, standing in front of your bathroom mirror. Again, really? You have no friends who can snap a photo of you? Enough said.Profile pictures of you in full camouflage, toting automatic weapons or hunting rifles. I can smell you through the computer, boyo, and while I happen to be the holder of a concealed-carry license, I’m not paranoid enough to think of such a picture, oh thank God! Here’s the guy who will protect me when the collapse of civilization as we know it occurs. Be still my beating heart!
One picture of your dog is sufficient. I have a dog, too, and I love her dearly; however, I hope you are more interested in me than her.
One picture of your car, motorcycle or boat. See above.
I’m fairly certain you’d be offended if I set a requirement on your income; how come you set one on mine? Does the amount of money I make tell you how passionate, caring, devoted, intelligent or emotionally healthy I am? Would you be offended if I inferred only those earning $100k+ possessed those qualities? Because I am.
I’m also fairly certain you’d be offended if I set a weight requirement. While I appreciate the consideration surely implicit in the many, many of you who suggest it is in the interests of honesty to simply and inelegantly state that “it’s looks that initially attract us,” discarding the many of us who sport a few extra pounds is as rude as the women who discard the many of you who are not 5’ 10’ or over.
Let’s talk spell check and grammar. If writing is not your forte, please engage a friend, relative or local school teacher to proof what you’ve written. Honestly, if you can’t string together a coherent sentence, I won’t get past the first paragraph. Spell check is your friend. Ending every sentence with an exclamation! point! doesn’t make you seem enthusiastic! It makes you seem manic!
Try to avoid dwelling upon “the baggage.” It’s okay to acknowledge it, especially if you can, in one sentence, indicate that you are ready to move past it. Dwelling a long time on seeking a woman who is trustworthy, faithful and kind tells me that you’ve been burned (I’m sorry) and haven’t moved past it enough to form a healthy new relationship.
If my profile has caught your attention and you email me, try to show you have actually read it. I promise I will extend you the same courtesy, and I generally avoid contacting men who state they get the most pleasure from fishing, hunting, dirt-bike racing, and NASCAR. Why? Not because there is anything wrong with those pursuits but because I would have nothing in common with them. If you read my profile, this will be abundantly clear.
If you find me interesting, and/or feel we would be a good match, send a short, sweet and perhaps witty email. Extra points for making me laugh. Please don’t gush, please don’t ramble and please please please don’t trowel on tributes to my beauty. If you do gush, it’s unlikely I will respond or even view your profile, as I’ll be afraid of finding a portly man in full cammo, holding a dead animal, wearing a Stetson and sunglasses while sporting an AK-47, taking his own photo in front of his bathroom mirror, with a profile full! of exclamation! points! and lots of ill-spelt verbiage about being trustworthy, faithful and kind and looking for a woman with those same attributes to love and adore all! the rest! of his days!