On Tuesday, Governor Schwarzenegger announced another 2,000 layoffs, making many California residents more than a little bummed by having a Cyberdyne Systems Model 101 Terminator that “absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead” as our state’s highest elected official. As budget talks drag on, more IOUs are issued and rhetoric becomes stale to the point of petrifaction, even the most testosterone addled Golden State movie buff can become queasy at the sight of Arnie chomping on a stogie and blowing shit up. Although mindless enjoyment of Terminator, Conan and Commando may now be almost impossible, Reagan era defense spending has provided us with a diverse supply of oily biceps and big guns that don’t belong to Arnold. Here is my painstakingly compiled top-ten list of Arnold-free action flicks:

10) ABRAXAS: GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE (1991): You want a governor, you’ve got a governor. Jesse “The Body” Ventura shows off acting chops that make you understand why he went into politics as he plays a space cop sent to save the Earth from his former partner turned renegade who impregnates human chicks with alien embryos. This film can often be found in dollar store DVD bins, making it the right entertainment choice for the recently unemployed or those socking away money as they brace themselves for potential layoffs.

9) SILENT RAGE (1982): It’s Chuck Norris versus the Terminator! What more can a guy ask for? Actually this flick came out a full two years before Arnie donned a pair of shades and said, “I’ll be back.” Chuck squares off against an unkillable killer akin to those seen in then-recent slasher films like Halloween and Friday the 13th, thus satisfying our prurient need for both 80s splatter and taekwondo ass kicking in the process.

8) THE SWORD AND THE SORCEROR (1982): Tired of Conan? Meet Talon (Lee Horsely of TV’s Matt Huston), a royal heir turned barbarian adventurer who beats up thugs with a mutton leg. The evil Titus Cromwell (Richard Lynch) unleashes and then double-crosses a demon sorcerer (Richard Moll AKA Bull from TV’s Night Court) in order to seize a kingdom from its rightful leader (sorry to bring up the recall election) and only Talon and his rad three bladed sword that launches projectiles like an unsafe Micronauts toy can restore justice. Joining Talon is a team of swashbuckling johns assembled at a local brothel who take time out from getting their relaxers to save a kingdom. Ample bosoms and beheadings plus a crucifixion for good measure.

7) OVER THE TOP (1987): Stallone is independent trucker Lincoln Hawk who, after the death of his ex-wife, decides to bond with his annoying military school brat son (David Mendenhall) by practically kidnapping the kid, making him listen to Michael Bolton-esque adult contemporary and dragging him to an arm wrestling competition in Vegas. At the tournament, Hawk comes up against various disgruntled Teamster types and other forgotten working men in an ugly face contest where competitors desperately grunt, drool and scowl at each other in order to claim the grand prize of a new semi truck that they can hopefully sell to help offset skyrocketing medical co-pays. Will Sly the Guy be able to teach his son how to properly flex his neck muscles while turning his baseball cap backwards or will megalomaniacal killjoy grandpa Robert Loggia and henchman Terry Funk make the boy intern at Goldman Sachs instead?

6) KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (1989): This flick begins with Charles Bronson brandishing a 12-inch dildo and saying, “Now I’m going to show you what you do to those little girls,” to a perv that he’s just shoved down face-first onto a hotel room bed. As the screen fades to black you can hear the moans and screams of said perv. We then cut to a scene of Bronson washing his hands! This Cannon Films production somehow, against well nigh impossible odds, manages to get even more lurid and just plain wrong from there making Kinjite the cinematic equivalent of huffing turpentine. This unrepentant sleazefest was directed by J. Lee Thompson, who brought us such classics as the original Cape Fear (!) and Guns of Navarone in the 1960s but descended into cranking out insanely brutal Bronson vehicles by the 80s. Kinjite was his last film.

5) SINBAD OF THE SEVEN SEAS (1989): California voters weren’t the first ones to fall prey to Schwarzenegger’s charisma and aptitude for psychological warfare. Before us, Lou Ferrigno was hoodwinked by the Austrian Oak during the buildup to the 1975 Mr. Universe competition. Arnold won, leaving Louie as a runner up. The two had parallel film careers. Arnold became one of the highest paid movie stars of all time, while Lou ended up in low- budget but strangely arresting Italian-made fantasy potboilers like this one. Directed by Luigi Cozzi, the mad genius behind the best Italian Star Wars ripoff ever with Star Crash, Sinbad of the Seven Seas opens up with a mind-bending, almost incongruous intro within an intro about Edgar Allan Poe. Who was Edgar Allan Poe? Why don’t you go check the library? Oh yeah, they’ve all been closed down due to budget cuts.

4) HEARTBREAK RIDGE (1986): Before Clint Eastwood became the venerated director of such Oscar worthy fare as Million Dollar Baby (2004) or Letters from Iwo Jima (2006) he wasn’t above helming this 21-gun salute to the US military triumph at Grenada. Eastwood plays Gunnery Sergeant Tom Highway, a decorated ‘Nam vet charged with whipping a platoon full of fuckwits into shape for the greater glory of God, Country and Ronald Reagan. Mario Van Peeples plays the rappin’, guitar slinging, ring-leader of the class clowns that Clint has to motivate with a flurry of lines like: “I've drunk more beer and banged more quiff and pissed more blood and stomped more ass that all of you numbnuts put together.” Clint also punches out a steroided out Arian lug enabling disenchanted Californians to live vicariously through him.

3) DELTA FORCE (1986): It’s Chuck Norris tag teaming with none other than Lee Marvin in a cross between Missing in Action and The Dirty Dozen! Bearded Chuck and grizzled Lee head up an elite rescue team dispatched to rescue a plane that’s highjacked by Iranian terrorists. Robert Forster (Jackie Brown), heavily tinted by tan in a can, is the lead Jihadist and delivers the best badguy line in Farsi ever when he tells one of his thugs to “go over there and kick him in the head.” Among the plane’s passengers are George Kennedy, Joey Bishop, Shelly Winters and Martin Balsam, which gives the film the extra spice of a 1970s Airport (or Airplane for that matter) disaster flick. Norris has a super motorcycle (reminiscent of those seen in the similarly titled sci fi clunker Mega Force) that launces rockets at Islamic extremists. Warning: this film’s heroic score is so mindlessly infectious that it will get stuck in your head for decades no matter how much Popov Vodka you consumed in a multiplex parking garage before seeing this movie.

2) DEATH WISH 3 (1985): This movie is living on a fixed income; I swear that the same exact TV set is stolen at least three times in this thing from three different apartments. However, what producers Yoram Globus and Menahem Golan spared on art direction, they made up for by cramming more senseless violence into this entry in the Death Wish franchise than any other (and that’s really saying something). Due to police department staffing reductions and draconian cuts in human services, elderly white people and hardworking Latinos are left to the mercies of an army of punkers with painted faces and parachute pants. Bronson trades in his little nickel plated .38 for a hefty Browning automatic rifle to show that he can out-Rambo Stallone any day of the week despite being more than eligible for AARP membership. The action resembles both a stage play and a shooter game (or maybe whack-a-mole) as thugs stick their heads out of tenement buildings and Bronson blows them away.

1) ROADHOUSE (1989): Possibly the only 80s action flick with as many rad lines as Predator. “I heard you had balls big enough to come in a dump truck… I used to fuck guys like you in prison… My way or the highway… Pain don’t hurt…” It just goes on and on. Patrick Swayze is Dalton, a mullet-headed bouncer with a PhD in philosophy, but any true cineaste knows this already. It’s like knowing that Clark Gable is Rhett Butler. For those of you who are way too into the Coen Brothers, Road House bears strange similarities to The Big Lebowski (especially in the casting of Ben Gazzara and Sam Elliott). For those of us impacted by the current recession, this barroom brawling epic illustrates how the small business owner is crushed by greedy monopolies that set prices and freeze out competition. Now if only Dalton could take on Wal-Mart.



In preparation for this article, several of these films were viewed on old laserdiscs. Any way to stretch a buck.

Special thanks to Rosie Picado for the illustration.