With eyes as black as pitch, conservative provocateur Andrew Breitbart stormed a packed press conference about the state of my MacBook earlier this morning.

Originally posted on Anthony Weiner has my MacBook.

Earlier this morning, Andrew Breitbart of the conservative Breitbart media empire named after Andrew Breitbart, staggered into a hastily held press conference. Mr. Breitbart's eyes had been somehow turned from a pale shade of blue to a deep black similar to the eyes of a shark.

"I have seen things that man was not meant to see," he said to the packed conference room at the Sheraton Hotel in New York City, which at times took on the raucous atmosphere of a tent house revival.

Mr. Breitbart then claimed that he and his website Big Government had come into possession of images of Anthony Weiner using my MacBook snapped by Hidden, the all-seeing, all-knowing app with the ability to unveil secrets beyond man's frail comprehension.

"There are great darknesses farther than time itself," Breitbart warned, with tears of reddest blood streaming down his face.

"Beyond the darkness is a light that glows, changes," he added in harried tones, "and in the center of the universe is the eye that sees us all."

Mr. Breitbart then added that he has pictures of this eye at the center of the universe on his smart phone, but that he wasn't making them public in order to save Congressman Weiner's family. Mr. Breitbart has shown these images to morning radio personalities Opie and Anthony, driving the shock jocks past the brink of sanity in the process.

John Dierkes of Corman Media then stood up from his seat and said, "You see sin and the devil Andy, but the lord has told us what to do about it. Said Matthew in Chapter 5, if thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!!!!"

The members of the New York and Washington press corps such as Matt Sledge and Jack Mirkinson of the Huffington Post and Politico's Maggie Haberman started chanting, "Pluck it out! Pluck it out!"

Mr. Breitbart then plunged his fingers into his eye sockets, leaving only bloody pits in place of his blackened eyes. Mr. Breitbart then staggered into the hallway outside of the conference room where workers at the Sheraton reportedly heard him scream, "I can still see!" Rumors of Mr. Breitbart's ability to see despite having no eyes could not be confirmed at press time.

Despite the macabre scene at this press conference, Congressman Weiner still has my MacBook.