maybe later

 

 

 

 Well, I'll tell you since you asked so nicely. Maybe it is a bad day, maybe I just don't have something in me that makes me able to make that leap from scribbler to writer. That's the reason I started here, to learn to be a writer. Yet despite three+ years, I just don't seem to be able to attract and keep readers. Now, I know that I have quite a few friends on O/S, so I don't take it like people dislike me personally, I just want to have a lasting impact on the world to show for 55 years of fighting and each day that goes by makes me think that it just isn't going to happen. 

I've lived my whole life for others and I don't begrudge them anything, I just wanted someone to notice me. To make people think, to entertain them, and I suppose to be "loved" by them. 

Time for me seems shorter everyday. I need to find a way to make this life worth something you know, and if writing isn't it then I have to keep looking.  I need to know that I'm good and it is that important to me. I know that many of the people who read my crappy blog think I'm a good person okay. I am not trying to beg people for sympathy either, despite appearances, I want to excel at one lousy fucking thing before I die. I know, who doesn't but as I face my own mortality I think of men like my father who was a great singer and somewhat talented poet who lived only to work until he died without ever having known that he was actually good at something.

Maybe this is just a crisis in confidence, maybe I am just a coward and three years in the public eye is not enough time to get anywhere with this. The problem is, for me, I don't have forever to get it done and the one thing on my "bucket list" is to have a positive impact that can be measured or at least treasured by someone. It's a lot to ask, but don't I get to ask for one thing in my life? I know that I may not get it but I'd like to think that I had had a chance at least. bob