We all face the problem at one point or another, the never ending sameness of the days and nights. The details may change but always the problems remain. This is the human condition isn't it? That ultimately, we face the same problems as long as we breathe.
Take drinking for example, I used to drink, I don't anymore. It was a choice made by me and for me. The looks I get when I say I don't range from "must have been an alcoholic", to "liar", especially in official situations like at the doctors office. The doctor I see now has spent a great deal of time trying to catch me in a lie. When I had a AMI last Winter, he was sure I'd been using meth but, while in my younger days I was fond of speed, it has long since lost its appeal. Same goes for cocaine, I'm way too afraid of dropping dead to use either of them.
Now don't misunderstand, I will inhale a bit of cannabis on the odd occasion and the daily use of opioids to control chronic pain is a given with me but, despite all indications to the contrary, I don't use these things to escape reality (pain excepted).
So, I spend a lot of time staring off into space hoping to find an avenue to forget the stresses of everyday without having to get stupid or sick and you know what? I thought that writing might do it. Was I ever wrong.
Now I don't even seem to be able to come up with a good idea and if I do write something I feel as though I have to tailor it to not offend. Truth is, I have a lot of things to say that many would find offensive if I were to use the language I want to. This is not to say that I've been false with my work, only that in many cases I have had to restrain my words in the effort to find readership.
That doesn't seem to be working either. So once again I come to a point where the question begs an answer, "Who the fuck am I?"
Well, I am no one, I am everyone. Who is anyone? Why do I exisist? Is there a reasssson, a purpose? Will the lifelong fight to go on have any kind of fucking payoff at all? Does everyone bury this in their secret world?
I am full of questions but have no answers.