Brazen Princess

Loud and Unashamed
NOVEMBER 7, 2012 1:32AM

Getting back to NaNoWriMo - a Manuscript in 30 Days

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 Getting into the mind of a sixteen year old (again) is not easy. 

                love

 It's also not a fun place to be.  

 

I hated sixteen.  

 I hated it, loved it and lived it loud.  

It's showing up in m new novel, a genre I decided to try called YA - young audience - but it keeps veering into a very troubled, more adult theme - just like  my life at sixteen.

 So....I need help.

This is my first chapter.  Can you please read and tell me if I'm on the right track.  Would you keep reading if you were a sixteen year old?

 

  Let me just begin by telling you that I love you.  I don’t mean I love you in a metaphysical, spiritual love kind of something.  I love you because you picked up this book and started to read it.  After all, look at all these books here and you picked up mine! I know it sounds dumb, just blurting out “I love you!” to a complete stranger, but really I am kind of dumb.  I should be really clear about this right from the start.

Next I need to apologize to you for bringing you in on this thing.  What could have been an open and shut case of romance has now been blown all out of shape by the twisted idea that things have to be perfectly awful to be any good.  And who has this idea?  My boyfriend, Fred.

Yeah, that’s right, his name is Fred. 

“Is that your real name?” I asked him the first day I met him.  Our assigned seating in computer lab was right next to each other and he had a backpack the size of Cleveland.  I mean, Cleveland!  And here he was sitting next to me with a thump like he didn’t even want to be here.  He was sitting next to me!  The prettiest, blondest girl in the whole class and he didn’t want to be here!  So, as I was staring at him, he turned and looked at me through his hair that was too close to his eyes.

The thing was, it was great hair and he had great eyes – brown and green. 

“Hi,” he said, sighing. “I’m Fred.”  Then he stuck out his hand like I was supposed to shake it!  I didn’t know if he was serious or what, so that’s why I asked him if it was his real name.  Maybe to distract him from wanting to touch me –like shake my hand, I mean.

“Actually,” he said.  “It is.”  His eyes were so green and so sad.  I wanted to pretend that either fact didn’t bother me.  But the truth is, I’ve never seen eyes that color before and I have a thing for puppies with sad faces.  So as the teacher droned on and on before we were even allowed to turn on our computers about things like the ban on social network sites (like it wasn’t on my phone!) and how profanity or research on drugs that weren’t yet legalized or any drugs for that matter....  (yawn!) I listened. 

Maybe I should say right here and now that he smelled like soap.

Now, you might understand how the whole idea of Fred was really cool.  But I’m telling you, Fred was hard to get and that’s why I love you for even wanting to hear the story about how we were put together and how we went to homecoming in the same limousine as King and Queen and how he kissed me and how we both decided that the timing was right....

And this is where I need to tell you that I’m really sad.  I’m sad because he gave up on us and now as I tell my story – our story – I can tell you that I’m not a give up kind of girl. 

I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.

 

 copyright - Janet Rodriguez 2012

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Comments

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Janet, I liked it, and your effort of trying to think like a 16 years old. It is not easy,to think both as yourself and as someone else. Wishes for your book!!!
I'll have to re-read this and get back via PM... to tell you the truth, sixteen year old girls were always a mystery to me, so what ever I have to add should be taken with a grain of salt. R&R ;-)
It would not fly with the sixteen year old age group... You start with let me tell you.... Kids hate hearing this from Parents.. You lost them from the start. Think like you are sixteen.... What did you like... Word it different and you will probably have a best seller... Look into teenage jargen.... Chosen is a great book that teens love that uses this... The writer is a teacher so she hears their slang all day long...
Stathi~ Thank you for looking and reading... believable or no?

jmac~ Maybe I'll weave a jmac into the story! :)) Thank you for reading.

Totzaon~ WOW!! Thanks for your love and advice! I was a teacher as well and had a student that talked like this.... but that was eight years ago. I'll check it out.
It is hardly my area of expertise, but i shall tell you
what i liked. And what confused me.
I liked the interplay in the computer lab.
The hand shaking thing and how she avoided touching him
was interesting...and the description of his eyes and his hair
was pure romance, and who the hell doesnt like that?
~
You are trying to hook your audience. The love thing at the
beginning? I dunno. It is sweet, but maybe too adult-ish.
Are u writing AS A 16 yr old?
I would suppose 16 yr old gals are a mixed bunch.
Some trust adults, some do not , some swing both ways...
~
I would think that a young woman with a good heart
and a bad world to deal with
would crave some adult female wisdom, but first
she must TRUST your narrative, yknow?
I have no idea how you might achieve that..
"What could have been an open and shut case of romance has now been blown all out of shape by the twisted idea that things have to be perfectly awful to be any good. "
is fascinating to me as an adult, and i sure get it,
but i think it could be worded a bit differently...? ...
expanded on?...

ha. good luck.