I’ve been lucky in love.
Strange thing, perhaps for someone to say who was alone on Valentine’s Day. Love is wonderful. Love is terrible. Or, at least, terrifying.
I have been stung enough to be too jaded to jump in the deep end of the pool. I’ve had lots of encouragement. Don’t worry, though, I know that when the time is right, it’ll be right.
That last line is the nub of this. I’m a cynic about love, but still a romantic at heart. Casablanca is still my favourite movie. I’ve never been one per cent as cool as Rick, but half a per cent as cool is still chilly enough to dry a martini.
I have loved three times, maybe four.
There was S, the friend I never confessed more than devotion to – the foremost of the Things I would Do Differently. But she taught me so much, opened my mind, but more importantly, showed me the truth of her spirit, how simple pure caring about people could make someone radiant. Because of S, I can never take the cult of beauty seriously – nothing wrong with her looks, but they paled in comparison to her inner beauty.
There was C overlapping. C the forbidden princess with the pink white skin garnished with abundant freckles, strawberry blonde hair to her waist, a figure to die for. But did I mention the fiancé back home, older, rich. I adored C, which I guess is what she wanted, but she never let me forget the fiancé. And she never believed in good bye. Was it love? She’s the maybe.
The third is the soon to be ex. Despite the bittersweet ending, it was a fairy tale romance, with lots of good times. And two great young men who love their Dad. Overall, a plus.
And, because they were here, I wasn't really alone on Valentine's Day. In fact, the revolving cast of lil B's chums made Hotel B a lively place.
The other love was left unresolved, secret, and that’s all I can say. As with S, the lack of resolution is awkward, but, again, as with all the women I have loved, I received more than I ever gave.
So, I don’t know which is more terrifying – to contemplate never loving again, or to risk the pain of loving and losing again.
Though at this stage, neither is as terrifying as just dating, so I’ll hibernate for a while, thanks.
But I do know that the most wonderful thing will be to find love again. Or, perhaps, when love finds me?
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Linda Seccaspina
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Comments
Love should be a thing that you look forward to finding again... not something you are afraid of.
You give me hope. Thanks brother. ;)
yeah, newsie...a snack about now would be mighty tasty...like yogi & his peanut butter sammiches...
Ardee... each of "my 4" were/are totally different... if there's another, I'm sure it too will be a pleasant surprise. I wish you luck too.
I am encouraged that you found it a few times. And I relate to your dilemma of which is the more terrifying, finding it and losing or never finding it. Or perhaps of finding it but being terrified it will be ripped away at any moment.
I suppose things would be better for me if I did have someone. But if it doesn't happen, I'm going to enjoy my life, have fun, and not worry about it.
It seems like you've got that attitude, too.
Lea: I thought if the groundhog SEES his shadow, its six more weeks of winter..
JJ: thanks... I hope you are right
batface: as the old saying goes "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"
I rather publicly blogged that this year I was solo-- generating a concerned call from my oldest daughter and an attempt at an electronic Valentine from the blogged ex-boyfriend. Besides that, this year it was solo working all day with a reward of seeing Lily Tomlin at the end of the day. She was great. There were some cool people there.
Last year I think I had chemo on VD but the ex- was still around and brought flowers and champagne. The year before that I was on a cruise ship to Mexico with the guitar player -- a good year. The year before that was going through the beginning of a bitter divorce.
This year's solo night listening to Lily Tomlin highlight the best work of her career was calming and lovely.
Really enjoyed it. But I don't think I want to be alone forever.
shoot, man. amen and word on this. dating is one frightening ritual. thank you for this lovely post. i do believe that it is possible to be hopeful but also cautious and a bit self-protective. and all people of certain age, hey, probably all people come with baggage. it's jsut about how much you're willing to take on and/or how well your character defects fit and complement each other.
i know she's around the next corner. keep your eyes keen and your heart open. love love love and rated
Dorinda: you & me both. the not being alone forever part that is.
quietgirl: sometimes hope is all we have (or need?)
tlk: I better keep my eyes open...if "she" is not coming around the corner, a bus might be...
Tom: I think I need a new pilot to guide me out of this harbour, one who knows where the shoals are. I've lost the charts.
Nat: if we can't be comfortable with ourselves, how can we be good for others?
RL: I'm glad it rang true for you
which, Pam, means, if not this spring, perhaps summer, fall....
Probably never loving again. Yes, I'll have to go with that.
cartouche: thank you (I'm blushing)
The best Valentine's Day I spent was my senior year of college. The few of us single and lonely who worked on the student newspaper ordered over 60 bucks worth of Chinese. After driving through a snow storm to get it, we chilled for an hour with good food and good company. Sans significant others.
Complete blast and I wouldn't trade it for all the stuffed velour hearts on the planet. Bravo!
vac...cool in your own mind is the best sorta cool
This line perplexes me. Does it mean that you truly appreciate the woman in your life- modesty. Or, does it mean you didn't give as much as you could? I think in your case...modesty.
I will always remember this for some reason.