and my house, whichever dies first.
or
The Magnificent Obsession of Small Birds
I don't know what either of them did to incite such rage. My car is a sedate, though somewhat crumpled, 1994 Mercury Sable that has seen better days. My house is a baby, relatively speaking, having gotten it's construction final (house mitzvah?) only two years ago.
The Combatants
car house
My car is a pale-metallic blue, my house, moss-green; the bird, a nondescript brownish-gray with a cap of dark feathers. Perhaps it is jealousy? He keeps on trying to peck out their eyes.
Dark-eyed Junco strategizing imminent skirmish
(Beauty shot supplied by junco publicist. Copyright © L. Selman)
The Battlefield
The eyes of my house are the large double sliding-doors
which face the stream.
(Yes, that is a pretty wrought-iron gate.)
The eyes of my car are its side-view mirrors.
Having repeatedly tortured myself by reading Daphne du Maurier's short story “The Birds” each childhood-summer in Michigan, and more recently (though millennia ago in dog's years) eaten popcorn during the unfortunately California-ized, though skillfully cinematized version of same by Alfred Hitchcock, I was not completely unprepared for such behavior. I just didn't expect it to be so singularly (or to be more precise, dually) manifested. My husband's Acura remains unscathed, as do the two sheds on the property.
No, this is a specialized vendetta, not a generalized blood feud. This is one small bird against car and house in its purest form.
Junco, being egged on by gang member. The charge commences.
So far, they have not returned fire - my auto and dwelling place - meekly accepting the daily pounding, enduring the accumulating mounds of bird poop, and beak slashes. But I don't believe they will hold back much longer.
If this was a prize fight the stats might go something like this:
Junco (attributes complements of the incredibly user-friendly and informative whatbird.com)
- The Dark-eyed Junco was the most common feeder bird in North America during the 1996-1997 Project FeederWatch season.
- They mainly eat insects and seeds. However, they will sometimes eat their own droppings. (figures)
- A flash of white tail feathers serves as an alarm to other members of the flock.
- A group of sparrows has many collective nouns, including a "crew", "flutter", "meinie", "quarrel", and "ubiquity" of sparrows.
House
- Energy efficient,
- Made of Structural Insulated Panels
- Radiant Floors
- Underwater mortgage
Car
- Partially amputated right-front bumper
- Transplanted roof rack
- Non-functioning 1st gear
- CD Player (after-market)
You would think it would be a no-contest, but then again, though the house is much bigger, it doesn't move very quickly, and the car is useless without its manager (me). Plus, there is always the psych-factor when you know the guy you are going up against eats his own feces, and is in a gang named after an argument.
Photos of late afternoon skirmish
by embedded journalist (also me). 
What the final outcome will be, only time will tell. Never-the-less, this can't go on forever.
Watch out, stupid Junco, even houses and cars have limits.
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Comments
Your house and car have obviously transgressed a junco law or two. Putting covers over your rearview mirrors while it is at rest may stem the attacks on your car. Drawing drapes might help the house (tantatmount to closing its eyes). I might suggest those bird flash tapes but it could escalate and bring on suicide bombings.
Do keep us up-to-date on the war.
AH! So I cut a hawk photo out of my National Geographic and tape it inside the window. Brilliant, GeeBee.
I have to admit laughing at the little bird. I am sure it ain't funny to you. I still am laughing and keep looking at the persistant bird.
funny little critter.
The great question for you now (at least in my opinion) is: WHY YOUR HOUSE AND SURROUNDS? And why now?
I say this because I was once embarrassed (years ago) by a dove that insisted on mating with my windows and my car mirrors. I was suffering agonies at the time because my second wife had left me.
Dharmic and BBE, you mean the junco is either narcissistic and/or gay?
Now that is testosterone!
Monte
These pictures are tooo funny.
Good Luck and know that as soon as he finds a mate - he will quit because she will have him rebuilding the nest he has already built, fetching the groceries and then when his offspring arrive - all he will be worrying about is feeding the family. Such is a male bird's life.
Rated.
on making the front page
I'll never forget that night and how I howled.
denese
And to clarify, I think he or she is protecting baby birds in a nest somewhere close.
d
Great essay - great photos, and yes, that is one nice gate on your house!
I wonder if it's confused by the reflection of the mirror in your side window. Maybe it's trying to get into the reflection to nest there? Have you tried covering up the car mirrors with a plastic bag or similar item to see if that would help? I've seen bird stickers that you can put on your windows that are supposed to discourage this type of thing (yeah, I know - a great way to further decrease your property values!)
Great piece. I like how you set up the story and included so many photos of the actual battle.
I understand they arrest juncos and confiscate their junc.
We also laugh over 2012! And yet, if our collective boat sank, most of us would risk our own life to save that of a stranger!
Strange creatures, we humans!
Juncos are known to associate with stool pigeons and we all know stool pigeons work for the DEA.
Great article and photo study made me laugh. All I can think about is the little chicken hawk on the Bugs Bunny Show trying to bag Foghorn Leghorn.
Also, Remember if attacked do not run to a glass phone booth it did not work for Tippi Hedren.
I had a similar problem years ago with Black Angus cattle. I had a small car painted chrome yellow with black accents. Every time the neighbor's cattle got out, they made a beeline for my vehicle. It was a bit scary since each individual cow was larger than my car!
They rubbed against it; they nuzzled it; they licked the side mirrors. (Gee, I really hated cleaning sticky cow saliva from the sides of my car!). Their mooing had a longing quality to it. In short, they were totally enamored of my little car.
My problem was solved when we moved. I've always wondered, though, what the farmer did with his lovesick cattle after we left.
As for the house window problem, a plastic owl is not a solution. Only covering the window works, and is not practical. So we wait for them to stop for the season, and then wash the windows (they leave little beak prints all over).
I had a yellow bellied sapsucker do the same thing for awhile. He was attacking his reflection, thinking it was a rival. But he stopped after a while--maybe he figured it out.
I like your house and car!
Well, let me see if I can respond to all these delightful comments. (In batches).
Monte – I keep on waiting for the dingbat junco to knock himself out. Never seems to happen. Sigh!
GeeBee – Kill the Mockingbird. It's only fair.
Thank you, Jennifer. (I am hysterical too) :-)
Gramgo – but how will this idiot ever find a mate when he spends ALL his time ripping the throat out of my car mirrors?
Thanks, Dorinda!
Ha, Leeandra, I would love to hear that cockatoo cursing himself: D*mn me. D*me me all to h*ll!!!!!!
717judie, maybe I should draw a picture of a hawk with soap!
Thanks Dakini – I was wondering why there were so many comments in my inbox all of a sudden.
Oh, Denese, as your boyfriend could attest, Daphne was definitely on to something.
JK, you cleaned your mirrors daily!! I suddenly feel embarrassed.
Yes, scoubedou, only now I find myself cheering the large predator birds on.
Emma, you have obviously been blessed by the Gods.
DCV awwww. . . you noticed the gate. Thank you kindly.
Mike, pesistent . . . is . . . an . . . UNDERSTATEMENT!!!
Thanks Lisa. Actually, I was kind of hoping he would set up a nest in my car motor. Is that terrible of me?
Ah, Dharmic, methinks this junco loveth WAY TOO MUCH!
Alas, MTodd, they don't even have phone booths anymore.
ZaZa, as a fellow target, you have my deepest sympathy.
All I can say, Ruby, is thank the Goddess its not licking my mirrors.
Yes, littleanne, I know from beak prints. This afternoon he was sitting on my fence, sharpening his, and glaring at my fender.
Egads, not even a dark eyed junco, Joan? Just perhaps, it's evil twin.
We had a full grown peacock do battle with his reflection on the rear right bumper of my daughter's new van. She was furious about the blood and scratches on her "baby." Since it was my bird and I wanted to keep him I had to put a canvas painter's tarp all around the van like a skirt until the seasonal hormones had abated.
On the other hand, you can do nothing and help improve the birdie gene pool by keeping this little guy occupied while more peace loving males get the girls and make peace loving babies.
I figured if it made him happy, fine. Fortunately he couldn't work up enough airspeed to really hurt himself.
Keep us posted!
Ah, Bluesurly, one wonders how he even has the time to eat enough to generate all that poop.
Thanks, Jim5575. And I guess I should be grateful that my bumpers are painted blue.
We don't have Juncos, but our cardinals act crazy that way. For the longest, we thought she just didn't see the glass. Later, it became our working theory that she was defending her territory against a rival. But she spent so many hours at one or another window, I wondered how she had the energy to carry through on her commitments. Sometimes, the male happens by and bangs on the glass for a bit, but not with the same ferocity or focus. We can draw the blinds, but sometimes it doesn't stop them even then.