Republished, so please excuse the capitalization (or lack thereof!):

i've been thinking of independence and dependence.  others have too; weeping sore left a comment the other day on just that topic when i wrote about what i get out of my garden that isn't harvestable; the joy of having cared for something and seeing it thrive. i've noticed my happiness typically resides in processes rather than goals.  i've never seen that distinction discussed, but i think it's interesting to recognize the difference.

if you set out to accomplish something and don't allow yourself to enjoy it until it's done, you might have happiness that is more goal-oriented.  my attention doesn't work like that; it's rare for me to finish something i start unless an external deadline drives me to focus.  birthdays work well for that, but not all the time.  i let gym memberships languish unless there's a class time i can feel guilty for missing.  i think this is one reason gardening appeals so much; the seasons will still be there year after year, and the deadlines are real rather than manufactured.  it doesn't wait for me and belated offerings are summarily murdered by the seasons.  but over time i'm learning to recognize the windows of opportunity.  i'm trying to respect that this year, so i'm not purchasing anything to plant until the fall, even though that means everything will look pretty awful for the next couple of months.  currently, i've let almost every kind of weed that sprouted go to seed, because i'm learning what they are.  i know some are invasive and i'll be more vigilant in the future, since i'll be able to recognize them throughout the year.  more importantly, some are edible, and that brings me to the point of this post.  i do not like to feel dependent; i like to feel as though my actions are meaningful and i like accumulating real knowledge.  it's why i'm so fixated on politics and biology, and their two eternal concerns.

i was prompted to write about this by two conversations.  i saw a lecture last month by alrie middlebrook, a landscape designer here who uses exclusively native plants.  her work is beautiful, and theoretically, most of her finished gardens need no summer water.  that's truly an accomplishment.  and that's why i'd rather know how to do it myself, instead of relying on someone who will do it all for me.  i wish that more people had attended the lecture, like my neighbors who just hire the lawn janitors to come mow and blow their lawns.  i'm not trying to be judgmental; we're not all gardeners.  i'm sure my neighbors have many skills, but i've never seen them out enjoying any of these plants that must be moistened constantly and visited each week by a truck full of guys wielding appliances.  american lawns are even higher maintenance than american teenagers.

then two days ago, i met one of my hippy cohorts for coffee.  i called her because i had something to give her.  we wound up chatting for two hours, and i learned that she is working in multi-level marketing.  i gave her a gift certificate, and she gave me a brochure.  and i took it seriously: you never know when you might find the secret key to unlock the universe.  i sure wouldn't want to miss it because i was too fixated on appearances.

but... i think i can tell you with a great deal of certainty, that this isn't it.  it's basically a meal replacement program, featuring shakes rather than food.  once upon a time i had a roommate who would, as she put it, "get tired of eating".  she bought flats of ensure for these times, and i would tease her for drinking grandpa pablum.  i thought maybe it was preparing the food that was too much. according to her, it was actually the chewing.

but then again, i was an art major and i studied gemology and metallurgy with my electives.  my personality doesn't like to be accepting, it likes to pull stuff apart to see what makes it tick.  i like to explore and try and experience. and that means i don't want to have things done for me.  in a way, i think this requires relinquishing more control than the other way around.  it requires a willingness to change your plans as they unfold and a desire to learn which cues should be taken seriously instead of just listening to your whims.  truly, i can see why it's appealing.  here are two videos i found to illustrate the difference... (skip down to see what you're getting into)

notice the first one is only a couple of minutes long, versus the second which is nearly an hour.  i can also tell you the second one shows some disturbing footage of how animals are raised for meat and milk.  actually, the potato farmer is depressing too.  i can totally understand why someone would rather just opt out.  shakes are easier to prepare than duck a l'orange or shepherd's pie and more humane!  and good for you, right?

except, i found a list of ingredients for some of their products.  i randomly picked one of the chemicals listed in the ingredients, inositol.  it does not say how much of the drink is comprised of inositol.  once upon a time, inositol was thought to be a vitamin, but then we learned that your body synthesizes it from foods.  more recently, we also learned that it can be used to treat depression and bi-polar disorder.

my first impulse is to wonder what would happen if i ground up some bi-polar person's meds and drank them twice a day instead of eating... for the rest of my life. i imagine i'd think that product was way better than real food too.  my second impulse is to wonder who else has thought to charge me for something my body makes daily with little effort.

if you look at the shake itself (presumably the same one featured in the video), you'll notice three of the first seven ingredients are derived from milk.  this is kind of unexpected, because i was specifically told that milk was what was making all of us so unhealthy, by the same shake advocate.  and that's what worries me.  i know i probably can't know everything about my food, but i sure like to try.  i make my own compost and i'm trying to grow more of my own food.  i prepare almost every meal we eat because i like the activity and knowledge that comes from creating nourishing dishes.

don't get me wrong; i'm not out to knock this product if it's helping you.  i'm just leery personally, of relying on a single source for most of my diet.  i don't like being betrayed by products because i was too trusting and unfortunately, researching these things is getting to be a full-time job.  which explains why i'd rather spend all this time tilling the soil and turning my compost heap.  and evading black widows and rebuilding benches. and communing with bees and being chastized by hummingbirds.  and though i realize none of this is really under my exclusive control, getting to know all the systems and characters seems so much more satisfying than just pushing a button for my food pellet.  the only comparison that encapsulates the exhilaration, frustration, commitment and pain of such a relationship is a marriage.  we're coming up on my gardenniversary too, one year since we moved in.  we'll have to find a way to celebrate, but each day i'm declaring my independence from oil and big agriculture more loudly, and reaffirming my co-dependence with the universe and everything.  and that's something like a celebration all the time.

maybe i'll try fitting this all on a pamphlet, but i can't for the life of me figure out how to charge for it.  act now, and maybe i'll share my tomatoes though.  i least i can promise they're dairy-free if you're into that sort of thing!