As I approach my 61st  birthday next week, I find I need a little bit of humor to ease the pain.  Hopefully, those of you reading it will find it insightful, frightful, funny and timely... considering where healthcare is these days. 

This has been quite the month for doctor visits in my household. As a couple who are not usually sick, I was able to read lots of magazines I ordinarily don’t get to read. You know the kind; Preventative Health for Dummies, Travel and Leisure, Sports for Boomers, and Good Housekeeping for Convalescent Homes.  But far and away the most interesting stuff to read they save for the time you have the most interminable wait; once you are actually inside of the “examining rooms.” And I saw plenty of reading material.

I would have to say that Beverly Hills Examining Rooms had the most “stuff” decorating the walls. Gawd, I had to take notes just to remember all the stuff. Taped to every bare bit of wall and door were tons of charts and stuff. I suppose when you go to a cardiologist it’s usually a good indicator that you are advancing in years, or so it would seem by what I saw.

Besides the examining table, there were scales. Wahoo, a place to see how my math and balancing skills are holding up. I hopped onboard only to discover what I had suspected. I’m gaining weight! Hey, big whoop!

Okay, now for the sobering stuff, I hope you are ready.  On the wall opposite my chair was a huge chart titled “Understanding COPD”, of course with diagrams of the lungs, as this is referring to disease of the lungs.  Who knew? Next on the wall was something advertising/explaining “Ambien CR”, duh...sleeping pills, then one for “Robitusson”, cough-cough. 

Of course there has to be a hanging, dangling x-ray machine, but one with stuffed animals on top? Seriously... a small stuffed Teddy, Kitty and Duck! No frogs to dissect hug while you wait to see if your _____ is broken or fixable? 

Next to that we have a big poster for P.A.D., or Peripheral Arteries Disease. I want them to be so peripheral they are in someone else’sbody! Then...hmmmmm, what was that next poster on? Oh yeah, Memory Problems. Gulp. Well, I could look at my notes. Ahem. Next one over was for Erectile Dysfunction....hey, if you forget you ever had one I think you can ignore this one!  And what about vagina dysfunction huh?  I mean equal opportunity advertising would be nice...some arousal creme or something...ya got anything for us?

Over on the next wall is an advertisement for the Life-Line Button. Yep, the “Help I’ve Fallen and I can’t get (it) up..” one. Now I’m wondering if suddenly your memory returns, can you push the button and get some Viagra quickly?

If not, you can come over to Zoloft corner, which is conveniently located next to the The Body Mass Indicator and Hair Loss informational. Talk about product placement!. Of course if you aren’t depressed by now, just pull up to Bone Loss central before bypassing very carefully and slowly to Bladder Pills, conveniently located next to an exit door. What nothing for Depends? Did I mention that in order to get the bathroom key you have to ask? Oh yeah, and it comes on a coat hanger which has been strung with sort of makeshift worry beads...made out of old pill bottles. I’m NOT kidding, it was huge, no tucking this away in your purse!  

Once you return, now bladder relieved, you’ll find yourself gazing at the Alzheimer checklist which if you manage to get through, takes you to another Hair Loss stop. If you choose to jog through hair loss again, assuming you have any left, you may need to stop for the Inhaler Advir, but don’t tarry too long or you may find yourself staring at an Enlarged Prostrate, followed by Bladder Urges. Here we go again. Sigh.

Having completed our tour of the examining room if you aren’t convinced getting old is an adventure by now, there are some Bayer Low Dose samples ready for the taking on your way back to your young life!

Then in comes the competent staff, in the nick of time too as I was about to run screaming into the hallways!

Lewis Black says (about 60 being young) something to the effect of, "the only way 60 is young is if you think about it being two 30 year olds standing around discussing old age."  Yep, that's more like it.