To ignore things you have to be heavy into denial. If you are spending that much time and effort to deny something, then you are going to miss the point. There is no time for denial, only acceptance. For when we accept that the choice is ours, then we have understood the preciousness of any time we are allowed. We must open our eyes to making the right choices, the ones that will be for the benefit of not just you, but those who surround you, and those who will be left behind to deal with the aftermath if you don’t get out of denial.
Denial serves little purpose in the overall scheme of life. Deal with whatever it is and try to move on. Do not waste much time on “what ifs” either, unless it is moving you forward toward the goal. Even so, make a list and check it off, spend your time doing not saying “what if”. Try at least.
Trust me, we don’t have time to play with the choices, they are completely visible, as long as you’re open to them. Make a decision, right or wrong and you will get something out of it. The satisfaction of having tried and succeeding is wonderful, and believe it or not, so is having tried and failed. You learn lessons either way.
Regrets...don’t bother. Make changes, adjustments but move forward in life. Memories are reserved for lessons learned and noted. Good or bad. In the scheme of things, you should be letting go of the bad ones and concentrating on the good ones.
I know it may sound simplistic, but why complicate matters by avoiding the simple answer?
There isn’t an hour of the day (or sometimes minute) that I don’t thing about Lance and something we did, and sometimes those things we didn’t do. But I don’t spend much time thinking about what we didn’t do, because the fact is, I cannot change it. All I have is the ability to do is to do the things I need to... and even a few I want to.
Life is not just full of needs, but there is room in it for wants, as long as they are fulfilling some sort of need. It’s really this simple.
I bought a (another) book today, it’s title is, "The Other Side of Sadness”. It is written by, George A. Bonanno, and I highly recommend it to anyone who is dealing with a loss of a loved one. Finally, I am hearing about people who feel similar to me, who find it easier to grieve than has been previously talked about. I recognize so many things; what inappropriate things people say because they do not realize we all grieve differently. What a concept! He recognize and debunks some previously taken as the gospel studies and theories. I hear myself in his words...well some of them, but that is way better than reciting by rote what others have surmised and written about.
I know many of you are surprised that I seem to do well, but it seems as though there are three graph lines, trajectories which represent how we deal with grief; a) chronic grief b) recovery and c) resilience. The criteria for each having been taken into account the only one I readily identify with is resilience.
A-h-h-h...resilience. I completely identify with the calmest line of the graph. You may know me as one who seems to be coping well enough to be wounded, but not debilitated. That would be an accurate reflection. I do have very positive experiences, and these seem to help carryover a positive influence to those other people who interact with me. This has shown to be of great help to me in this process of grieving and moving on. When the people I interact with recognize that I am able to move forward, in direction of my new life, with some sense of purpose, they may find it difficult at first, but ultimately it will seem natural and in character.
I have observed some people speak to me of the devastation of loss, but what I see is their perceived devastation at a contemplation for of their past losses, or those which they may reasonably project to lose in the future. The sudden oncoming of death is a tough and individual response, and it would wrong to assume we all handle it in the same way.
Being a woman who has dealt with and will again (in all probability) be dealing again with a great loss, I handle it as best I can. The best I can do is to take it as another blow which knocks me off of center, but never knocks me out of my senses. I keep my wits about me, and allow those moments of grief to come, honor it, experience it, own it, but then move on because I do believe our time is finite, and I have much left to do in my own life. There are only so many things I can do which have any affect on Lance’s death; honor his life, respect his wishes, continue on with the work he left undone, and get on with enjoying the rest of my life. It seems simple enough to do. I’m on my way.