Yesterday I had an “astrologer” give me a reading.  Why?  I happen to have a spare $25 I wanted to donate to a worthy cause; the 75 year old, who should spend it on a hair dye (or to get a haircut at the absolute minimum) lady from Europe, just trying to make a few bucks on a beautiful sunny day, feet up in a cat fabric covered porch swing that had a price tag of $69 on it.  I honestly don’t understand why women continue have long hair long after they cease to care about doing anything with it (and I know there is no guy who loves them with long hair).  They let the roots go too long, part it down the middle, wiry gray hairs defying gravity, and it hangs untrimmed and funky.  (Maybe she can go to Supercuts now and get some style.)

Anyway, it was a mildly interesting half an hour where she told me some stuff...some of which I knew, and some was kind of eerie/offensive.  Since when did Astrology combine numerology, Kabala and a deck of Bicycle playing cards?  Things sure have changed since I last had my chart done.  She obviously wouldn’t be writing one of those daily columns either.  I don’t recall her wearing a qualifying Kabala, Madonna red string on her wrist come to think of it.  (Now I am wondering if I got taken...h-m-m.)

First off she drew a tic-tac-toe frame...then used the numbers from my birthdate...and of course I told her I was born in Japan so the time/stars allignments would be different...to which she said, “Oh..now vee do dat ting where if you haf lived here a long time yours will be on dis time.”  Oh...I get it, so I shift star alignment or something.  

So now I have the top 3 empty, and two 8’s in the second row on the end and a 1 and a 4 in the third row (I forget the placement).  “Everyone alive has a 9 in their birthdate, so vee don’t use it.”  Brilliant.  Except not having anything in the “intelligence” row kinda hurt, if you know what I mean.  Oh sure, she tried to make up for it by saying I make decisions with my emotions, my instincts.  But truthfully all I heard was, “You didn’t go to college did you?”  Kind of tainted everything from that point out, but I digress.

She did say I would be suffering a huge loss...well duh.  She said I had been giving for a long time.  My God, how does she figure this shit out?  She said, “Many people will want to hear what you have to say...in the next four years....”  Um-m-m, ”...you’re creative.  A communicator.”  So I start thinking maybe she should have had my birthday, cause she is not all that good of a communicator, but again I digress.  You mean I have been writing for all these years and nobody wanted to listen?  I’m crushed.

She did say I would do well financially...in four years.  FOUR YEARS?  Criminy, I gotta wait Four More Years?  I’m, not trying for some Presidential slogan here.  Can’t I even have some “Change”?  What’s up with the Four Years thing anyway?

Then she told me the Saturn was in my Uranus or something for the past 10 years...funny I never felt it...but apparently many Leos died or were having problems.  I suppose this would shuffle me into the latter category, because I think I am still alive.  (I need to research how many Leos died compared to say Capricorns or Scorpios.)

By now I’m starting to look at my watch...crap, only 15 minutes has gone by and she keeps saying, “You don’t tink a lot, you just go vit your emotions...but be-e-e careful not to find a lover who needs takink care of.  No sick people.”  Uh---okay.  And she did qualify “sick people” as being mentally ill or physically ill.  I’m glad she clarified it, since I don’t think with my  non-college educated brain.

As she ran out of flattering things to tell me, she paused, stared deeply into my eyes with her cataract clouds and said, “Now comes zee psychic part.  You vant to ask me somefink?”  

“Yeah, if you are the psychic how come you don’t already know the question I have for you?”

“Ahhh, you vant to know about the story I wrote from the perspective of Mars then.”

“Huh?”

“Yes, I wrote a story for people who always imagine what Mars is like...where music is quartz...and thoughts are crystals of many colors, and....”

“Gosh, did I mention I had a Tarot card reading I needed to get to?”

Hah, guess I showed her I have a brain!  Besides that was a ruse, it was really a past Life Reading...and she calls herself a psychic...tsk-tsk.