BuffyW

BuffyW
Location
California, USA
Birthday
August 10
Bio
When I figure it out I'll add it, one blog at a time. I illustrated "Travel Tales I Couldn't Put in the Guidebooks" written by Lea Lane. You can get it at Amazon and on Kindle!

MY RECENT POSTS

BuffyW's Links

MY LINKS
MY LINKS
MY LINKS
MY LINKS
Editor’s Pick
AUGUST 19, 2010 1:21PM

A Life of Lace.

Rate: 59 Flag

 

I never figured my life would be delicate strands of tautness woven into a lace, strong yet able to be unraveled by a broken thread.

 

It’s been a year since his death.  He was the major thread of my last 30 years.  Since then I’ve examined parts of my life under a microscope, sometimes publicly, at least the parts I wished to share.  Actually, the parts I was compelled to write in order to make sense of things.  It’s funny how the death of your partner can change everything in your life, propelled by the need to place distance (in my case) between the cascading effects of the events which I never could have predicted I find myself in.  

 

You might think you are prepared for the day you will be alone.  I know I thought I was simply because he had a terminal illness.  I watched his father die from it, so I knew what to expect.  However, he didn’t die from the family disease.  The joke was on us.  A cruel joke, but indicative of the arrogance we humans have.  You might think you know how you will behave.  You may think you know the family and how you will be able to rely on others around you to act.  It honestly doesn’t matter what you you think when it comes down to the reality.  Life can and will turn on you in a dime.  You spend your life thinking your every action will result in your plan coming true.  It doesn't matter what that plan is, it will change.  Of this I am certain.

 

Hah.  Life is not so neat.  I know, I’m in the middle of somethings I never could have imagined would be going on.  Fortunately not all bad.  

 

Time to back up.  Last year I had a non-birthday.  It was the beginning of life as I knew it coming to an end, and the ending of his life.  There is such a finality about death.  It shook me to the core.  I know I am not alone in feeling this.  The mystery of we survivors merit blogs, books, movies, anyway in which a person can be expressive of the pain.  I think the pain makes me want to feel pleasure even more.  But even when I do have pleasure enter my life I cannot help but be startled by the thought my husband will walk in at any moment.  There is a moment of guilt which washes over me...guilt for living.  I realize I must at this moment stop and take a reality check.  This happens less frequently now, but I am amazed at how his death has given me a whole new appreciation about living.

 

This year I planned a trip to be away for this birthday, gone from our home, the memories of last year's horrible 18 days beginning on my birthday.  I celebrated in Hawaii...in Waikiki, a place we really had no joint memories.  It was deliberate to go to an island we did not favor, and I'm glad I did.  I was able to do things I never would have done with him, things I did not even know I missed.  That was the 62nd birthday gift I was able to gift myself with.  How truly special, how full of life I was, I am!

 

Waikiki 

  Waikiki Days, Sheila © 2010 

 

Sometimes I think about how delicately I have woven together the pieces of my life into this new one.  Now I am an artist, actually selling my artwork and finding a new way for myself. I get sad sometimes when I realize I don't have Lance to come home in the evening and get to show my latest project or check from my sales.  But then I stop and do another kind of reality check, and realize that if he had not died I wouldn't be doing these drawings.  Out of the ashes rose my personal phoenix.  I know he would love the idea.  I know he believed in me.  

 

I suppose of all of the lessons the experience of the past year has taught me, it all boils down to just living in the present, doing the things I am able to do and to let go of the little things I have no control over anyway.

 

To let the small things annoy me would be as though I had hanging threads from the lace I have created.  If I pull any one of them it would unravel all of the progress I have made.

 

I know in my heart he wished the best for me, exactly what we gave to each other in life.  If you take the “n” out of Lance, I am left with Lace.  Bits of strength woven together through the experiences of the last year.  These are the "gifts" Lance gave to me through his death.

 

Trust me, life is good...if you let it be.  Lance taught me this. He lived that way himself.  Choose to appreciate what we might not always see first.

 

 

tumblr stats

Your tags:

TIP:

Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:

Comments

Type your comment below:
Nine days until the first year has passed and I am stronger than ever.
Buffy, I love this piece because it perfectly represents "delicate" and "sturdy". It says so much about life and love and the frailty of it all. You have indeed woven a magnificent piece here. And your drawing is exquisite. _r
What a wonder you are, Buffy. And it is an honor to be allowed these glimpses into your process, into your life and heart. I always feel like these pieces speak to some universal theme . . . and I find that comforting, somehow . . . Blessings, Buffy. Namaste.
What a beautiful tribute. Life lessons are here for us, if we care to learn. The drawing is fabulous.

r~
your survive, that's a good thing, for you and for us, you grow, that's another good thing, you change, why shouldn't you?
living in the present - If you take the “n” out of Lance, I am left with Lace. Bit of strength woven together through the experiences of the last year. You amaze me with your strength Shelia and your great artistic talent, in words and pictures.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I hope you continue to find your path in life.
good advice. I hate the fact that you have gone through all of this yet it gives hope that life will go on even when we have to fake it.
Glad to have you back; really, really glad.
That's you alright. Lace.

All best!
Beautifully expressed, Sheila. Kudos to one of the strongest women I've ever known. I'm proud to count you as a friend.
xoxo
Kim
So glad to hear that you have emerged stronger and making creative use of your energy. Bravo!
yes... life is good. i look forward to seeing more from Sheila the Artist.
Beautiful Sheila, absolutely beautiful. It has been amazing to follow your journey, to soak in your strength, and to relish in your words.
They say "man makes plans and God laughs". Yes, the joke is on us. You make beautiful art and I admire your words a lot. I wonder if I could ever find the strength that you have. Well, the beat does go on and I hope you continue to make such beautiful art. rated
I love the metaphor, Sheila, and I love that you're blossoming.
I have grown to realize something about you, dear friend; If your life is lace, it is covering a strong steel of determination. It is that steel that has brought you through some major upheavels in your life and has allowed you to find a road to happiness that you so dearly deserve. Love you, girl.
Stronger than ever? I'll say. How you keep it all under control without blowing up high, wide and handsome I'll never know. An inspiration, you are.

Rated, bien sur.

(Just got back from the ride I mentioned. Glorious.)
You are stronger I can feel it in your writing. You can write of your past now but looking towards your future. That makes me smile.
would you quit being so damned intelligent,
desireable and attractive.

take some ugly pills and kill a lot of brain cells!
before i say the wrong name in my sleep!
I am so glad that you came out of this alive. Not everyone can do this. Some retreat inside themselves, and stay there. You are an amazing woman and I'm glad you are going on with a life filled with Zesto!
Sheila, not only are you a survivor, you are truly an artist always creating and recreating your life and passions in spite of the setbacks, losses, and deaths. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I admire you.
I appreciated this line and insight of yours: "Out of the ashes rose my personal phoenix."
It's amazing that through death comes life if we open our eyes and heart to see it. There are multiple examples of the "resurrection" throughout our lives if we believe. God bless you....
"Life is good ... if you let it be." And you did good, lovely lady.

Beautiful thoughts, beautifully said, beautifully written, beautifully done.
It's good to know you feel strenghened and inspired. Thanks for sharing the wisdom you've gleaned, and your wonderful art work.
Beautiful. But you are a survivor, Sheila, and I have never doubted you'd weave a new dress for yourself. I love the "take the N out of Lance and you have Lace." True enough.
Buffy,
You are doing it. Day by day, you're putting back together a life that was torn.
You remind me of Ariadne, the weaver turned into a spider by a vengeful goddess. But spiders weave beautiful webs, starting over and over again when need arises.
You've created a new web, and my sense is, you'll continue to do so whenever need demands.
An elegy, a benediction, and an affirmation rolled into one. A lovely, and inspiring, post. I can't draw worth a darn, but you make me see we all have an art of some kind that we can draw on for strength.
"To let the small things annoy me would be as though I had hanging threads from the lace I have created. If I pull any one of them it would unravel all of the progress I have made."

Beautiful tribute, lovely as a lace; demonstrative of the work and determination that has gone into creating it. Wishing you all the best, Sheila on your new journey. ~R
Sorry, I meant to write Buffy.
This was very uplifting and ultimately hopeful Buffy - I am touched by all you have endured and come out singing anyways. I saw the little card you sent Trilogy at her apartment - you are quite talented and I am glad you are pursuing your artistic endeavors.
good for you...and you are a marvelous artist as well.
And hey! An EP. Way to go, Buffy! A bump 'cause I want more people to read this.
Your strength is evident in this story. Congratulations in making some money with your art too.
You have bloomed through this, Buffy...love to you...
I read your posts often without commenting, but I have to say it...you are amazing.
This is wonderful. It is so delicate, sweet and sad all at once. I am glad that you are in a strong place.
i love your courage..i love how you have found your new path, alone.
Love the drawing. Alot of hard won life lessons in these words. Great job. Rated.
Your strength comes through with a gentle eloquence, Buffy. The drawing you've included is intriguing, too. I'm in awe of anyone who can draw. This looks as if it took ages to do.
I want to tell you that I am going to share this with two friends both of whom lost their husbands in the last year. I am often without words for them, now you have given a gift I can share. Thank you for opening your heart to help others. R
Out of the ashes, indeed! Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us!
Oh how lovely. How perfectly lovely.
Good wishes from another Buffy

Buffy K
So beautifully expressed. The lace metaphor is perfect for the strength and delicacy of the topic. This is such a wonderful piece, and you do such a good job with a sometimes sticky topic. Your writing beautifully reveals the beauty of you. r
My wife may have terminal cancer and she used to joke that I treated her so badly that I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. She is such a tease...

Well, now it could work out that way... She's been sick for a while and the doctors finally 'think' they found something 'odd'. Thanks to the insurance circus, we have to wait until October to get the tests done.

Now, I am left to contemplate the possibility that this isn't going to be good news.

But life doesn't have to end... I told her that I'd never remarry and that she could haunt me until I die because no one would measure up to her.

But life has to go on. Courage. Hope. Faith.

Hugs...

We either find ourselves, or we don't... You found yourself.

Her mother said that the best thing that she could give her husband who died less than a year after my wife was born was to live a good and full life after he died. She sure did...
This is a beautiful and brave post, Sheila. Thank you for sharing it. What a fabulous birthday gift to yourself. Keep on living and growing and experiencing. What's the alternative?!
A very enlightening post.

"Trust me, life is good...if you let it be."

Thanks for those words.
Sheila you nailed it for me right here ... this is exactly what it is, I am sure. I have not been where you are but still, I know you've nailed it with this perfect pice:

"I think the pain makes me want to feel pleasure even more. But even when I do have pleasure enter my life I cannot help but be startled by the thought my husband will walk in at any moment. There is a moment of guilt which washes over me...guilt for living."

Wow. It has never been so clearly or eloquently expressed. Now I will go read the rest :-)

Best wishes for all of the next years!
The rest was even more amazing. Thanks Sheila, for being here and being inspirational.
I became a widow in 2002 at 52 yrs old and I know that it takes a lot of courage and strength you didn't know you had to make it. I too remember the guilt and what I was able to become because he wasn't there. They say time heals and it really does if you live here and now. Congratulations on not only making it through the first year, but rising above it stronger and wiser. Someday I may post the story I wrote about grief. -R-
I can certainly see why you've become a successful artist. Fantastic sketch. Good for you to keep moving; so many people give up after a loss like yours. Do you have a website for your pictures? I'd love to browse it.
This is terrific, Buffy. Just really good--the writing and the spirit. And the wisdom: "To let the small things annoy me would be as though I had hanging threads from the lace I have created. If I pull any one of them it would unravel all of the progress I have made." Yes. Bless you, and Happy Birthday, withal.
This is terrific, Buffy. Just really good--the writing and the spirit. And the wisdom: "To let the small things annoy me would be as though I had hanging threads from the lace I have created. If I pull any one of them it would unravel all of the progress I have made." Yes. Bless you, and Happy Birthday, withal.
Love the comparison to weaving, many little movements one after another. Something about our culture prods us to search for the big revelation or breakthrough. Keep stitching, or drawing, as the case may be, and create your own future.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are an artist, this is true, but you are also a teacher. I love what you said, "Out of the ashes rose my personal phoenix." Beautiful.
Beautiful. The "lace" metaphor is superb. Yes, all we can do is live in the present. Lots of love, Sheila.
Beautiful, moving post. I love the images in it! I'm so glad you are alive -- in every sense and meaning of that word.
This was both a great experssion of freedom and an incredible eulogy to a man who gave you the understanding of what life truly is. I love it and you are indeed a very solid woman, Buffy
I have long believed that when those whom we love die, they return to their original home, our very own heart. The heaven they merge into can be none other than our own true Self. Having gathered them within, indeed, we are made so very much stronger.

Thank you for this sweet, sensitive yet powerful post.
You are valiant, and I wish you much happiness.
Love your use of lace. great post!
I love how you are able to see the phoenix without dismissing the ashes
I agree, you are never totally prepared. I thought I was prepared for my Mom's death, but we were super close when she died and I still miss her a lot, three years later. It is a tragic mystery. Yet, as you say, we must go on and can still live well.
Hi, your comments about death really intrigued me. I have just written a piece about how death is 'something we all share'. You may be interested.

Look forward to reading more of your work.

Lachy