Me at age 7 in Athens, Greece. 

Being unemployed.  These words resonate with me…not like they did when I was a young woman, when life lay before you and jobs were plentiful, especially when you had youth, beauty and common sense to count as skills. Ironically the more things change the more they stay the same.  Looking at this photo I found of me, I see resignation in my face.

Now, as I approach 64 I find myself trying to write a resignation letter I am being forced to do by court order. 

I owned my own business for 12 years or so before closing it down when the economy began it’s downward spiral. This was in February of 2009.  It was an estate jewelry business, the one thing I found which stimulated my senses. I was quite good at it.  The beauty and appreciation of gems and jewelry captivated me as well as so many people in the 90’s.  Life was prosperous for so many of us.  Then one day not one piece of the jewelry sold.  Just like that people's disposable income meant no more frivolous purchases.  I understood it immediately because after less than a year my own circumstances were different.  My husband had undergone open-heart surgery, I no longer had time on my hands to fill buying jewelry for others to enjoy.  Life had grown very comfortable, then suddenly it changed…and with those changes I needed to give up my business. 

By August of 2009 my husband was dead.  I was now not a housewife either.  Double unemployment it seemed to me.  I found myself without a business nor the income my husband brought home.  What to do?  Unfortunately, though we had made written provisions for our future, those plans were found unsigned, a testament to my husband’s denial of his illness.

It was then I became President of our company.  Somebody had to do it.   So for the past 2 ½ years I have run the company with his brother as a paid consultant. 

One thing led to another, negotiations with the mother’s attorney were at a stalemate over the division of property and finally two days before Christmas (this last year) a judge signed the papers finally releasing me from probate.  This is where I am now, being forced to resign as president of the company, losing not just my paycheck but also the health benefits I was told by my husband's family I’d never lose.  

I will collect Social Security, and hope it can continue. Obama’s Cobra Plan can cover me if I decide I can afford to pay the premiums now.  As I learned when I took over the company, you are at the mercy of insurance companies.  I remember when I was going from an insured dependent of my husband to being President of our company, by stepping into his place as Estate Administrator and wife, the insurance company made me wait three months to be covered as the employee…even though the only real change had been to drop Lance off of the policy and I stepped into his place.  I had to pay more than $1,200 a month out of my own pocket to remain covered.  That was very painful to do, especially when I was completely unsure how I would pay it.  But pay I did from the salary I took.

I did make a good salary, enough to pay the bills while I sorted out what had been in the control of my husband.  I should have paid more attention than I did, it was very complicated.   The company will be owned by another now (his brother will run it) and part of the agreement is that I step down.  I have learned a great deal from the past few years, some things I never wanted to know about family, and other things opened my eyes in other ways, to the good in people.  All in all it was a wonderful, painful experience, and yet it is over.  Finally.

I tried to be mindful of this day’s inevitable arrival by selling some of my art in the form of postcards.  I probably break even with my costs, though it has afforded me the opportunity to explore doing more and to be generous with the art I do.  I really do it because I love doing it, not to get rich.  I have been saving much of my salary, fixing up my home as I could in preparation for my retirement.  I wish I could say it wasn’t, but in reality with my health in question and my age, where do I look for a job…and would I even be hirable?  

On top of this  is the fact my son is going to be released from prison in March.  He will have served 2 1/2 years.  Time flies, or does it?  I have been so wrapped up in the probate, my health issues, a new marriage, home-improvements … for him I’m sure it seemed the past few years have been long.  Oddly enough we both were in different kinds of prisons…his bound by walls of concrete, mine bound by paperwork and flesh.  He thinks of the day he is released and all that will face him.  I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to be released also, our dates with different courts, yet eerily the same.  Now I find myself having to prepare him for life on the outside where he will be like everyone else, expected to go on job interviews, pay rent, buy groceries, keep a car and gas and insurance…aaarrrrrrgggggghhhh.  I'm having a child again when I can barely keep myself going.  He begins his life anew at 45, again with nothing except what I can provide him.  The circle of life begins again.