Catzilla: Definitive proof of canine inferiority?

TOKYO, Japan -- Earlier today, giant house cats began attacking suburbs outside Tokyo. Sources high up in the Japanese government confessed that ministers are clueless as to the origins of the rampaging beasts. One source in the Defense Ministry believed that "radioactive contamination in Friskies" might be the source of the abnormal overgrown pets.  The Japanese press has dubbed the angry feline “Catzilla.”  The Japanese SPCA cautioned restraint and warned that giant cats should not encourage the government to engage in "giant cruelty" and that all efforts should be made to find the cats a good home instead of putting them down.

The Japanese government is dispatching emergency relief teams to clean up giant two ton hairballs. The Self Defense Force is mobilizing helicopters trailing mile long strings and shining giant laser pointers in the hopes of luring the massive felines away from the most heavily populated areas. International aid is pouring into Japan to aid refugees and their families. Refugees have fallen into desperation and there are reports of growing Bastet cults, who are worshiping the Egyptian cat god in the hope of appeasing Catzilla.

Residents are warned to keep away from fish markets and catnip farms since these areas have been hardest hit.  The Defense Forces are also warning residents to hide bubble wrap and to avoid making kissy noises. If giant cats are sighted, authorities recommend finding cover immediately.  However, one expert noted that if one is caught in the open with the beasts, banging pots and pans or shaking a newspaper might have a chance of convincing them to move on.