This is me, standing alone beside a live volcano near Antigua, Guatemala.
If your heart is a volcano,
how shall you expect flowers to bloom?
I want to love on Valentine's Day...I want to love on any day. I want to be positive about my life. It just isn't in me right now. I don't even know why. I wonder if I've covered over my emotions because they have seemed too sad lately. I want to be finished with my relationship of thirty-three years, but it seems to be getting worse. He told our daughter that to keep up hope that she would find someone special. He gave the example of himself...how it took him years to find his soul mate, but he finally did. And it wasn't me,his wife.
Sometimes I hurt so much, I feel like I just awoke from a near-death experience. Then world more precious, brighter, clearer. Now it has become foggy again. The light I usually find in my soul has dimmed. And now, I can't cry.
Crying and pain is not what Valentine's Day is about! Why am I so incredibly angry with myself? I know that it doesn't help me get my work done. Neither does my little dog who is licking my hand as I type. Does she know that I am so sad? What my mother always said when I was depressed as a teenager that I needed to get out of the house and do something, preferably for someone else. Good idea if I can do it.
And I have so much to do here at home. I just heard on the radio that we can only handle seven variables at once in decision making. If there are more than that, our decisions are not as good. The zen home, clean clear-minded...unlike mine.
I want to to a wonderful happy post to celebrate this day. Maybe I'll try to find some pretty pictures. Just thinking about pretty pictures makes me happier. I am visual. I love colors. I have some pictures of a Maya ceremony from when I was in Guatemala. Hurrah, I found it!
With this picture, I access the sacred on this Valentine's Day. May all who see it feel the sacred ceremony for the light, and have joy this day.
A Maya Fire Ceremony in Iximche, Guatemala, with the toes of the Shaman. (c) Apr 2007 cberg
Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. Kahlil Gibran
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Comments
On a brighter thought, it is a beautiful picture of you near Antigua, a place I love. I have a post here that talks about one of my trips down there.
I very much look forward to your pictures and thoughts about your time there. Hope you find some good thing today and I wish you the best and a better time to come.
I'm sorry your ex husband said that, and wish your daughter hadn't told you.
Let's assume this will be your saddest Valentine's Day, ok? Let's go with that. And it's already half over.
Love the pic.
HUG and rated
Thank you so much for your kindness.
wakingup, What wonderful thoughts for today. My daughter was so hurt by her dad leaving us, I understand her blurting it out. There should be a Valentine for One for all of us alone. The only way to go is up, following the flames and smoke to a better day next year.
MB, Thanks so much for the hug. I didn't even know I needed one. You are right about the voice in my head telling me I am unfit to be loved, a partner. That there is something in me that caused this. And it may not be so. I do love Gibran. I remember from The Prophet something about the deeper the well of sadness, the greater the capacity for joy, but I couldn't find it. I love these two and your quote just as much!
Go to my most recent post, and just look at the picture. (Don't read it.) Maybe that will help. Take care girl. You are the best.
Think of the beauty of the fabrics in all their colors, and the plazas and all the world offers. I hope you can get to that place where solitude is peace and all the options are spread before you like a banquet.
Thank you for sharing.
on a lighter note, when im' feeling piss poor, i go on the, shit, it's gone, amnesty international site and look for Take Action. mostly, you can send an email to wherever some atrocity is taking place. sometimes you're asked to write a letter. you can do one or you can do a number of them. and you've helped someone in a dire situation!!! just sharing my experience of doing service from home. and there are other sites like this. wilderness something that is trying to save the wildlife in the world, the shooting of wolves, etc.
love love love and gratitude and rated for emotioanlly courage!
Lea, It's hard to fault him. He is excessively responsible, and rarely candid. I still my issue being "me." Thanks so much for the support.
Brian, I'm sure both of us are going to be fine and well loved...sometime.
Teddy, Thanks for you great ideas for home bound support! I have always supported Amnesty International, but didn't realize I could go online to support it. I really appreciate your support. I have been having problems with leg pain and it is REALLY hard to motivate to get anything done. I salute you for keeping going!!!