I am sitting alone in my farm house on the edge of a city. The sky is blue with a few gray clouds. The pain in my soul hurts so much I can feel a burning in my bones. I have trouble writing, but if I can get it out, possibly I can purge some of this pain from me.
I had a husband and beautiful home, horses, kids, farm. He left. I lost some of it, but I was hopeful. I can make it on my own, I thought. I'll go back to school, I'll start an eco-village, and organic farm. October 1st, I close down the farm. I hope I can afford the payments on the house. My life has become so complicated that I can't figure it out.
My ex has lymphoma. I am praying for his recovery. He has a wife who is kind, loving and cares for him. I pray for her, too. Please God, let these days be ones for healing for us all. Me in my pain and loss, and the same for him.
I am looking for joy and a job.
Even in the blackest times, I am grateful for the many gifts I have been given. I am grateful for the sun and the wind, for trees, for living plants on this living planet, for my breath, for music and my best friend Julie's band, Bad Girl No Biscuit, for my mother still living, my three daughters Mandi, Natalie, and Cassie, for my little dog Chloe, for Paula and Susan, and for the many other friends and family who have had to put up with a crazy woman for several months.
I raise a cup to better days and healing for all who suffer. Namaste...the light within me honors the light within you.
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Comments
Lea, it gives me joy to hear from you. I am glad for all your kind thoughts. It helps to know these feelings, painful as they are, are shared by others and they have lived through it, too.
rita, your kindness helps so much...'being (thought) gracious' is the highest compliment. Thank you.
Just Thinking...I love that prayer, and a couple more. Thank you for your kind wishes.
Chuck, I am so working on acceptance and not giving up. It is good to hear from you.
Tim, I have a friend who says...PBA (Posture, Breathing, Attitude)...for those times of pain. Thank you for your kind words.
kateasley, Here, here. Blessings upon us all.
Mary, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I am humbled. I so much enjoyed your hospitality last year, and love the work that you share with us. Thank you for the hugs.
Your attitude is great. You sound strong. Keep us updated and continue to write!
denese
ladyfarmer...thanks. Hanging in there sounds pretty good right now.
I feel you. Writing keep me from getting an aneurism also. As long as you can see the wind, the sun, the trees, the light and give gratitude for each breath knowing you need not passively accept separation from the light, from getting the miracle you're entitled to with sight, you're always whole. Extending to you MORE love, MORE light and the courage to hold on with dignity until this too, shall past. When I am where you are C. Berg, which is often these last nine months since the earthquake especially. Sometimes, I take out Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet." I use it for every occassion. It's a treasure. I'm hoping it will comfort you and help you also. It's on-line. I like the katsandogz site for it. On sorrow, Kahlil Gibran says, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. "