Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Location
Califon, New Jersey, United States
Birthday
January 06
Bio
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot

MY RECENT POSTS

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JULY 25, 2014 7:51AM

Just Between OS: a Puzzle

 Time to let go of your fellow OSer's throat and pick-up a pencil and have some fun....and nothing spells fun to me like a crossword puzzle.

I am the guy who when the nurse comes to fetch him in the waiting room, tells her the doctor will have to wait… Read full post »

JULY 15, 2014 1:57PM

The Old Sword

 
 
The Auction
 
Many Summers ago,  when I was eleven or twelve years old, my mother and my aunt went to an estate auction in Morristown, New Jersey.

My cousin and I came along. I had about five dollars in my pocket to spend, and he had a… Read full post »

Even though I just posted yesterday, I just had to join in the fun of Marilyn Sand's open call. Don't worry, daily posting is not the start of a trend for me.

10.  Hey, there's a new home page on OS!

9. Sure, I'd be glad to show you how… Read full post »

JUNE 23, 2014 1:27PM

A Bat in the House

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying  a glass of wine and watching the end of the Yankee-Orioles game before going to bed. Kathie had already retired.

The Yanks were down to their last out when Carlos Beltran slammed a game winning, walk off homer. I… Read full post »

  This is an exchange I had with Adooling this morning re the fact that the OS home page had gone missing. Start reading from the bottom. She seems to be a real person although I am sure some of you will disagree. Note the time line on all/

Read full post »
JUNE 15, 2014 12:45PM

Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man

My wood carving, "Eve of Liberty," won first prize for sculpture at the 20th annual Artsbridge Juried Art Show, in artsy New Hope, Pennsylvania.
eve 2 

The presentation was made at the artists' reception last night.

I was stunned when I got the news, because as a self-taught folk… Read full post »
JUNE 4, 2014 12:15PM

A Spring Walk Along the River

bridgeIt's a beautiful day here in Califon, a fine time for a brisk walk along the South Branch of the Raritan River. I leave my house, walk down Main Street, and turn left at the bridge onto River Road.

This is one of the last remaining Pratt Through Truss Bridges in… Read full post »

We needed to replace a few shrubs that died off this winter, plus we wanted to buy our spring/summer flowers and kitchen garden herbs.

In this part of New Jersey, this calls for a trip to Godlewsky's Farm and Garden in Great Meadows.

Godlewsky's is a signature Jersey locale:… Read full post »
MAY 19, 2014 12:27PM

Spring Attacks!!!



We were just returning from a pleasant ten day stay in Maine and Massachusetts visiting friends and family.

Things were in the budding stage here when we left New Jersey and I had just mowed the lawn for the first time. New England was still brown and gray… Read full post »
MAY 7, 2014 2:22PM

On Writing

I've been writing a long time. 

I date back to the pencil and ink well era of written communication. To today's generation, this came immediately after the chiseling runes on a stone slab period.

From the start, I was creative. In first grade (I think it was first because… Read full post »
APRIL 30, 2014 10:18AM

Whale Ear Wax Hunters

 (For those of you who may find the following offensive, I have two disclaimers: I am not responsible for anything I write while I am drinking; it is useless and insensitive to yell at me because I have chronic ear wax syndrome. It's a condition, all right, so back off.)

Cheers!… Read full post »

APRIL 19, 2014 12:53PM

Holy Hell on Holy Saturday

 
 
(Another re-post, this one from last year at this time. Guess I'm feeling lazy)
 
 Weekend Fiction 

He adjusted his knee pads, shin guards and shoulder pads. He donned his helmet and strapped it in place. He slipped on his padded gloves and clutched the smallRead full post »
APRIL 14, 2014 4:47PM

Titanic Explained to 12th Graders

(The Titanic sank on this date in 1912. This is a repost, with a tweak or two, of  a piece I did in 2012 to commemorate that event. Not much has changed in the interim as to the fate of the ship or our educational system)

A recent survey shows thatRead full post »

APRIL 11, 2014 12:57PM

The Eagle

The bald eagle sat on a sturdy branch that hung over the South Branch of the Raritan River about a half mile from the Ken Lockwood Gorge.

There was nothing majestic about it, because it was soaking wet and looked like it was having a bad feather day. Apparently, it… Read full post »
 
 
...Pun.
 
That's right, it is time for more Fun With Puns. This time the theme is pets. I hope you will all join in and do your worst.
There are no awards, just the thrill of embarassing yourself in public.
Here are a few to set the… Read full post »


After my sister's funeral, the cold bleak winter began to further crush my already crumpled spirit. The urge to flee the metaphorical and actual frozen tundra of northwestern New Jersey became overwhelming.

We had planned a trip to Bradenton, Florida in mid-February to visit Kathie's sister and hu… Read full post »
JANUARY 16, 2014 3:34PM

Taking Down the Christmas Tree



I am always sad when I take down the Christmas tree.
 
This year more than ever, since my dear sweet sister passed away last week at the age of 70.
 
As I unwind the lifeless lights, I think of how much she loved Christmas.
Although, we
Read full post »
JANUARY 3, 2014 2:59PM

A Grumpy Old Man's New Year's Rant

As I enter the living room with my coffee on New Year's morning, I am greeted by my wife who is already there with her tea and her laptop.
"Well, there are no more light bulbs," she says.
"Really?", I reply."I'm sure I saw a couple of sleeves of them on… Read full post »
DECEMBER 26, 2013 1:07PM

A Post-Xmas Card from Weird New Jersey

I came across this scene on one of my rambles in the vicinity of my home. I think it pretty well sums up how I usually feel after the last relative has gone on home after Christmas and the last family get-together has ended.

photo_2It got me thinking that it would… Read full post »

DECEMBER 16, 2013 12:38PM

Have Yourself a Merry Walmart Christmas

I learned from my daughter that "Elf", her favorite Christmas movie, will not be seen on NBC  this year because someone bought the rights. I also learned that the only time and place "Christmas Story," my favorite holiday movie, can be seen is on TBS on Christmas Day because Turner owns… Read full post »
DECEMBER 7, 2013 11:54AM

The Night Before Christmas at Open Salon

 (My contribution to Fernsy's and Daisy's open call for an OS inspired poem.)
 
T'was the night before Christmas at Open Salon.
Not a bossman was stirring, all fired...and gone.
The bloggers hung stockings by the chimney with care,
In hope that dear Santa soon would be there.
All the little… Read full post »
DECEMBER 4, 2013 12:14PM

Mystery Object

photo_2

I found this little cobble on the side of the trail while on my walk this morning. As you can see. it is nearly perfectly egg shaped. It doesn't appear to be a river stone, and if so, I have never seen one this perfectly shaped. 

I found it not… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 18, 2013 5:08PM

A Small Sailboat in Dorchester

The small wooden sailboat sits on a patch of lawn dwarfed by the Kennedy Library at the University of Massachussetts Dorchester that rises up behind it.

Only a low slung chain fence separates it from the hustle and bustle of the University and the Boston Harborwalk. It looks vulnerable, back seat… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 14, 2013 11:46AM

Remembering With Leo

Weekend Fiction
Prompt: write a story about something worth remembering
 
The scene: A modest apartment on the upper east side of Manhattan
The characters: Ruth and Leo, a senior married couple
 
Ruth: What is it I just told you I wanted you to remember?
Leo: You don't remember?
NOVEMBER 10, 2013 6:50PM

Cheers!

 

 A hard day of raking, blowing, vacuuming, and bagging leaves. Many more ahead. I earned this: the first fire of fall, Frank Sinatra on the stereo, and a tasty libation. Cheers to all!

first fire of fall Read full post »