Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays & Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Location
Califon, New Jersey, United States
Birthday
January 06
Bio
Extra dry with four olives.

MY RECENT POSTS

MY RECENT COMMENTS

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MAY 13, 2013 3:50PM

Walking New York: I Didn't Get Run Over

 

It is five years this month since I retired and stopped commuting to New York.

How would I sum up my years in NYC?  I didn’t get rich, but I didn’t get run over.

I say that with considerable pride, because it is very easy to get run over in… Read full post »

17 Comments
MAY 9, 2013 8:16PM

Amanda and Her Diving Bears

 amanda

My carving, "Amanda and Her Diving Bears," has just been accepted in the 19th Annual Artsbridge Juried Open Art Show at the New Hope Arts Center in New Hope, PA.

The  show runs from June 8-21. 

After three tries, I finally got a piece into this show. Not one of… Read full post »

17 Comments
MAY 6, 2013 1:44PM

A Visit to our Newest National Park

 Falls
 
First a quiz:
The newest American National Park is in.. 
a. Alaska
b. Montana
c. Joe Biden's bald spot
d. None of the above

The second largest waterfall east of the Mississippi by volume of water is in..
a. Alaska
b. Montana
c. Gov. Chris Christie's shower… Read full post »
16 Comments
APRIL 26, 2013 7:31AM

Huntin Bigfoot, Part 3: The Legend of Ray

Ray was off his game after his so-called encounter with the giant monkey. He just went all silent as we hiked along the edge of the stream. He didn't even cuss Flea like he always does. 

It was a big relief for me to be spared his idiotic questions and… Read full post »
13 Comments
APRIL 24, 2013 8:30PM

Huntin Bigfoot, Part 2

I parked my truck in the back of the C lot at the State Park. This is the one deepest in the woods, and I had to navigate several miles of abandoned logging roads to get there. Hiking trails looped through for a few miles before petering out in 3,000 acres… Read full post »
10 Comments
APRIL 22, 2013 6:20PM

Huntin Bigfoot

We was sittin in my best friend Ray's trailer watching a show about Bigfoot, that giant hairy go-riller that's been stompin around in the north woods.
 
They was presentin eveedence to a bunch of scientist fellers, and they was gonna decide if it was real or a pigment of people's… Read full post »
11 Comments
APRIL 14, 2013 8:09PM

Death of a Fisherman

 
 
going fishing trout for supper
take something out just in case
he died in the budding time
beneath vaulted trees overhanging
heron coldly watching
in water swiftly flowing 
shallow but deep enough to serve
his wading boots protruding 
beneath the old sluice
new grist for natur… Read full post »
15 Comments
APRIL 10, 2013 7:50PM

We Are Not Alone


Things are starting to come to life here in Califon these first warm days of April.

The juncos have left, and the robins have returned; the frogs are chirping and the volume of bird chatter has picked up dramatically. The chipmunks have emerged from hibernation; and soon bears and… Read full post »
24 Comments
APRIL 8, 2013 11:52AM

A Boston Adventure: Castaway at the MFA

Our daughter insists she is not letting us out of the house by ourselves alone anymore.
 
She and her husband live in Boston, and whenever we visit we have a senior adventure.
 
Either we take our car and disappear into the labyrinth of tunnels that lie beneath the city… Read full post »
14 Comments
MARCH 28, 2013 11:53AM

Holy Hell on Holy Saturday

 
Weekend Fiction 

Prompt: write a story about a comeback

He adjusted his knee pads, shin guards and shoulder pads. He donned his helmet and strapped it in place. He slipped on his padded gloves and clutched the small iron bar hidden inside that his dad had given him… Read full post »
18 Comments
MARCH 22, 2013 9:12AM

The Face at the Window

 
 Weekend Fiction
 
Prompt: write a flash fiction story (500 words or less)
 
Her kitchen was her sanctuary and her happy place.

She rarely went into the rest of the house except to sleep and keep things up. The kitchen,which was tucked in an ell at the… Read full post »
18 Comments
MARCH 14, 2013 10:26AM

An Opposing View: Men Do Use Sex Toys



Every day we readers of OS who cast our eyes leftward while reading the home page are reminded that men don't use sex toys.

In my long manly career, in fact, I have found these to be very useful devices.

I find that a nice plump dildo… Read full post »
24 Comments
MARCH 11, 2013 8:07PM

Down at the Nellie

I got thrown out of the house today.

With the place on the market for nearly six months, this is not an uncommon occurrence. The realtors who want to show, and our own agents, prefer that we not be there. This happens several times a week now.

We put… Read full post »

12 Comments
MARCH 6, 2013 3:56PM

The Ill-Suited Shopper



She wore a smile as she wiggled her finger through the hole in my pants.

“You need a new suit for the wedding,” my wife, Kathie, said. “The moths have gotten this one.”

“Good grief! How could such a thing happen? I sent it to the cleaners,”… Read full post »
18 Comments
FEBRUARY 28, 2013 3:02PM

In Dog We Trust

Weekend Fiction
Prompt: Trouble with a talking pet
 
in dog we trust 
"In Dog We Trust" by Gerald Andersen
pine and acrylic paint 
 

I am so proud of you, my darlings. You are now about to go out into the world as a new litter of puppies... canis… Read full post »
23 Comments
FEBRUARY 25, 2013 9:15AM

How to Safely Operate a Coffee Cup



We were in Boston this past week house sitting for our daughter and her husband while they were vacationing in London.

Knowing I am a total Starbucks freak, they presented me with a travel mug from one of the London stores upon their return.

When I unscrewed… Read full post »
15 Comments
FEBRUARY 12, 2013 3:26PM

Preposition Prol IF erati ON and a Brief History of English

I recently read in a Smithsonian newletter article titled "Most of What You Think You Know About English is Wrong," that it is okay to end a sentence with a preposition.

Excuse me? Now you are telling me this? Although I was an English major in college, I was never… Read full post »
17 Comments
FEBRUARY 7, 2013 9:29PM

It's Your Friends at the NRA Calling


 
Weekend Fiction
 
 Prompt: Write a story in the form of a voicemail message.
 
Good morning, Mr. Gunnerson, this is Chuck Dwijiak, under-secretary to the under-secretary, of the National Rifle Association.

We have no idea if you are a gun enthusiast, nor should we, as
… Read full post »
9 Comments
FEBRUARY 4, 2013 1:43PM

Coming Soon: New, Realer Reality Shows

 
 
Memo:
 
To: Promotion and Publicity Department
From: Ima Phaque, Director of Programming


Feb 3, 2013

Guys,
I know we are a little late getting into the whole reality programming trend. It's only been 13 years since Survivor hit the airwaves, ha, ha.

11 Comments
FEBRUARY 1, 2013 5:20PM

If It's Yellow, Let it Mellow....



.....If it's Brown, Flush it Down

This is the famous advice on how New Yorkers could save water by selective flushing offered by Mayor Edward Koch during the drought crisis of 1989.

It was typical from him: direct, honest, and easy to understand.

Mayor Koch died… Read full post »
6 Comments
JANUARY 31, 2013 6:40PM

Dear God, You're Wrecking My Marriage!



Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep, etc., etc.

Thank you, dear Father, for getting me through another day unscathed and for keeping the stock market on an upward trend. Would appreciate a heads-up if things start to go south.… Read full post »
10 Comments
JANUARY 29, 2013 5:05PM

How to Eat an Egg


My breakfast each and every day is one hard boiled egg.

I started doing it as a part of some soon abandoned diet I was trying, probably one of those low carb types. I used to eat an English muffin, which incidentally isn't English but originated in New York… Read full post »
26 Comments
JANUARY 25, 2013 2:04PM

Lifting Elephants

(Warning! Reader Disappointment Alert: this article has nothing to do with how to get the Republican Party off our backs.)

As  I was logging in to my account at the gym the other day, a note appeared on the screen informing me that, since I had been using the weight… Read full post »
13 Comments
JANUARY 18, 2013 3:29PM

Signals

Weekend Fiction Club
 
Prompt: Something that bothers you.
 
The scene: the front seat of a 2003 Mercury Marquis
The cast: Harry and Lillian, a senior couple out for a drive.
 
Lillian: Your directional signal doesn’t seem to be working.
Harry: Thanks, Lil. That’s the passe… Read full post »
9 Comments
Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 12, 2013 7:54AM

Fall Down, Go Boom

 
I don't like falling: it's always embarrassing, and usually hurts, and for me, just a few days past my 68th birthday, increasingly dangerous.

I try to avoid it by watching where I am going and being careful on ladders. However, sometimes old age and gravity convene to create an… Read full post »
37 Comments
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