Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 11:50AM

Signs You May Be Too Old For Rock Concerts

At the family picnic on Labor Day, my forty- something niece announced that she was feeling a little ragged because she had attended a rock concert the night before.
"I'm getting too old for them," she glumly said.
Although she is just a kid, I certainly know the feeling.
Several years… Read full post »
AUGUST 28, 2014 2:41PM

OC Challenge: My Space

 This is my late response to the OC challenge to show one’s work place.

 I think I am the perhaps the only guy to respond so far because, let’s face it, most males have messy… Read full post »

AUGUST 23, 2014 2:52PM

Hippy Gothic

Here's a new wood carving. I thought it was a good time to remember the hippies who thought they could change the world through peace and love.

Time it was and what a time it was, it was

A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I
Read full post »

AUGUST 10, 2014 9:49AM

The Skin Game

I arrived at the dermatology office for my semi-regular skin exam only to learn that my regular physician, Dr L, was on medical leave.
This was a big disappointment because she was a cheerful, enthusiastic, and thorough pursuer of resident aliens on the Andersen epidermis. She would don her go… Read full post »
JULY 28, 2014 9:14AM

Just Between OS: The Solution

 From your comments on my Friday puzzle post, I have a feeling the crossword challenge  proved more challenging than I intended. I have posted the solution below. 

Please let me know if you were successful in solving it.  

2nd puzz Read full post »

JULY 25, 2014 7:51AM

Just Between OS: a Puzzle

 Time to let go of your fellow OSer's throat and pick-up a pencil and have some fun....and nothing spells fun to me like a crossword puzzle.

I am the guy who when the nurse comes to fetch him in the waiting room, tells her the doctor will have to wait… Read full post »

JULY 15, 2014 1:57PM

The Old Sword

The Auction
Many Summers ago,  when I was eleven or twelve years old, my mother and my aunt went to an estate auction in Morristown, New Jersey.

My cousin and I came along. I had about five dollars in my pocket to spend, and he had a… Read full post »

Even though I just posted yesterday, I just had to join in the fun of Marilyn Sand's open call. Don't worry, daily posting is not the start of a trend for me.

10.  Hey, there's a new home page on OS!

9. Sure, I'd be glad to show you how… Read full post »

JUNE 23, 2014 1:27PM

A Bat in the House

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying  a glass of wine and watching the end of the Yankee-Orioles game before going to bed. Kathie had already retired.

The Yanks were down to their last out when Carlos Beltran slammed a game winning, walk off homer. I… Read full post »

  This is an exchange I had with Adooling this morning re the fact that the OS home page had gone missing. Start reading from the bottom. She seems to be a real person although I am sure some of you will disagree. Note the time line on all/

Read full post »
JUNE 15, 2014 12:45PM

Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man

My wood carving, "Eve of Liberty," won first prize for sculpture at the 20th annual Artsbridge Juried Art Show, in artsy New Hope, Pennsylvania.
eve 2 

The presentation was made at the artists' reception last night.

I was stunned when I got the news, because as a self-taught folk… Read full post »
JUNE 4, 2014 12:15PM

A Spring Walk Along the River

bridgeIt's a beautiful day here in Califon, a fine time for a brisk walk along the South Branch of the Raritan River. I leave my house, walk down Main Street, and turn left at the bridge onto River Road.

This is one of the last remaining Pratt Through Truss Bridges in… Read full post »

We needed to replace a few shrubs that died off this winter, plus we wanted to buy our spring/summer flowers and kitchen garden herbs.

In this part of New Jersey, this calls for a trip to Godlewsky's Farm and Garden in Great Meadows.

Godlewsky's is a signature Jersey locale:… Read full post »
MAY 19, 2014 12:27PM

Spring Attacks!!!

We were just returning from a pleasant ten day stay in Maine and Massachusetts visiting friends and family.

Things were in the budding stage here when we left New Jersey and I had just mowed the lawn for the first time. New England was still brown and gray… Read full post »
MAY 7, 2014 2:22PM

On Writing

I've been writing a long time. 

I date back to the pencil and ink well era of written communication. To today's generation, this came immediately after the chiseling runes on a stone slab period.

From the start, I was creative. In first grade (I think it was first because… Read full post »
APRIL 30, 2014 10:18AM

Whale Ear Wax Hunters

 (For those of you who may find the following offensive, I have two disclaimers: I am not responsible for anything I write while I am drinking; it is useless and insensitive to yell at me because I have chronic ear wax syndrome. It's a condition, all right, so back off.)

Cheers!… Read full post »

APRIL 19, 2014 12:53PM

Holy Hell on Holy Saturday

(Another re-post, this one from last year at this time. Guess I'm feeling lazy)
 Weekend Fiction 

He adjusted his knee pads, shin guards and shoulder pads. He donned his helmet and strapped it in place. He slipped on his padded gloves and clutched the smallRead full post »
APRIL 14, 2014 4:47PM

Titanic Explained to 12th Graders

(The Titanic sank on this date in 1912. This is a repost, with a tweak or two, of  a piece I did in 2012 to commemorate that event. Not much has changed in the interim as to the fate of the ship or our educational system)

A recent survey shows thatRead full post »

APRIL 11, 2014 12:57PM

The Eagle

The bald eagle sat on a sturdy branch that hung over the South Branch of the Raritan River about a half mile from the Ken Lockwood Gorge.

There was nothing majestic about it, because it was soaking wet and looked like it was having a bad feather day. Apparently, it… Read full post »
That's right, it is time for more Fun With Puns. This time the theme is pets. I hope you will all join in and do your worst.
There are no awards, just the thrill of embarassing yourself in public.
Here are a few to set the… Read full post »

After my sister's funeral, the cold bleak winter began to further crush my already crumpled spirit. The urge to flee the metaphorical and actual frozen tundra of northwestern New Jersey became overwhelming.

We had planned a trip to Bradenton, Florida in mid-February to visit Kathie's sister and hu… Read full post »
JANUARY 16, 2014 3:34PM

Taking Down the Christmas Tree

I am always sad when I take down the Christmas tree.
This year more than ever, since my dear sweet sister passed away last week at the age of 70.
As I unwind the lifeless lights, I think of how much she loved Christmas.
Although, we
Read full post »
JANUARY 3, 2014 2:59PM

A Grumpy Old Man's New Year's Rant

As I enter the living room with my coffee on New Year's morning, I am greeted by my wife who is already there with her tea and her laptop.
"Well, there are no more light bulbs," she says.
"Really?", I reply."I'm sure I saw a couple of sleeves of them on… Read full post »
DECEMBER 26, 2013 1:07PM

A Post-Xmas Card from Weird New Jersey

I came across this scene on one of my rambles in the vicinity of my home. I think it pretty well sums up how I usually feel after the last relative has gone on home after Christmas and the last family get-together has ended.

photo_2It got me thinking that it would… Read full post »

DECEMBER 16, 2013 12:38PM

Have Yourself a Merry Walmart Christmas

I learned from my daughter that "Elf", her favorite Christmas movie, will not be seen on NBC  this year because someone bought the rights. I also learned that the only time and place "Christmas Story," my favorite holiday movie, can be seen is on TBS on Christmas Day because Turner owns… Read full post »