Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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 (The Irritable Old Coot is my alter ego who seizes the wheel once in a while when I am otherwise distracted.)

Resolved: I will never again lose my temper and swear.
Resolved: I will not drink alcoholic beverages at all in 2015.
Resolved: I will be nice toRead full post »
JANUARY 8, 2015 4:19PM

The Little Ship

This little ship has travelled with me on the greater part of my life's journey.

It rides at anchor on my dresser in whatever place I occupy.

It was made and given to me by my grandfather when I was a sophomore in high school. He… Read full post »
DECEMBER 28, 2014 5:10PM

An Important Public Service Message

DOH!! (Head slap) What were we all thinking?!!

image  Read full post »

DECEMBER 24, 2014 9:17PM

Merry Christmas from Weird New Jersey


photo-7Here is this year's Weird New Jersey greeting. Shot this on my walk. I did not Photoshop or provide the Frosty prop. Before this appeared there was a Ron Paul campaign sign. Irony, I hope, but probably not out here where I live. Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all!!!!… Read full post »

DECEMBER 19, 2014 2:41PM

OS Christmas, Oops, Holiday Carols

I am not seeing a whole lot of holiday cheer here at Open Salon.
So I thought what could be a better pick-me-up, and what better way to build comraderie, than to have our very own holiday songs to sing! 
These all sing to the original tunes, and do… Read full post »
DECEMBER 4, 2014 11:44AM

Of Bears and Drunken Birds

As I set out on my walk yesterday morning, I was feeling good, despite the threatening weather.
My spirits were high because my walks on the two previous days had gone well and were pain free. I have been off the trails for almost two weeks; first hobbled with a… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 17, 2014 4:21PM

An Autumn Prayer

Dear God in heaven, you are so smart
These leaves you created are works of art.
Red, orange and gold in stunning array,
Who but you could make such a display?

And because it was thou who made us smart too, 
We understand the message, we get it,… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 3, 2014 9:03AM

My Library Art Exhibit

Saturday was installation day for my folk art carving exhibition at the main branch of the Hunterdon County Library.

I was invited to be the guest artist for the month of November. For the last several weeks, I have been prepping my collection, also called my unsold inventory, for the show.… Read full post »

OCTOBER 24, 2014 11:34AM

What the Crow Knows

Weekend Fiction
Jim Boyles liked this whole telecommuting thing. Although he had just logged twelve hours on the phone and the corporate computer network, he still had at least a full hour of daylight left to burn off some steam with a brisk walk on one of the trails that… Read full post »
OCTOBER 8, 2014 2:17PM

THAT Old Man

As I approach my seventieth birthday my biggest fear is that I will wake up on that morning and find I have completely morphed into THAT OLD MAN. You know the one I'm talking about: the guy who used to be a productive member of society, but now whiles away his… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 30, 2014 9:11AM

I Got Screwed By Home Depot

I rarely shop at Home Depot, preferring to support my local hardware store, but on rare occasions I go there to buy something I cannot get nearby.

Yesterday, I got an email from my bank informing me that I was one of the poor souls whose personal data was "compromised" when… Read full post »

SEPTEMBER 2, 2014 11:50AM

Signs You May Be Too Old For Rock Concerts

At the family picnic on Labor Day, my forty- something niece announced that she was feeling a little ragged because she had attended a rock concert the night before.
"I'm getting too old for them," she glumly said.
Although she is just a kid, I certainly know the feeling.
Several years… Read full post »
AUGUST 28, 2014 2:41PM

OC Challenge: My Space

 This is my late response to the OC challenge to show one’s work place.

 I think I am the perhaps the only guy to respond so far because, let’s face it, most males have messy… Read full post »

AUGUST 23, 2014 2:52PM

Hippy Gothic

Here's a new wood carving. I thought it was a good time to remember the hippies who thought they could change the world through peace and love.

Time it was and what a time it was, it was

A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I
Read full post »

AUGUST 10, 2014 9:49AM

The Skin Game

I arrived at the dermatology office for my semi-regular skin exam only to learn that my regular physician, Dr L, was on medical leave.
This was a big disappointment because she was a cheerful, enthusiastic, and thorough pursuer of resident aliens on the Andersen epidermis. She would don her go… Read full post »
JULY 28, 2014 9:14AM

Just Between OS: The Solution

 From your comments on my Friday puzzle post, I have a feeling the crossword challenge  proved more challenging than I intended. I have posted the solution below. 

Please let me know if you were successful in solving it.  

2nd puzz Read full post »

JULY 25, 2014 7:51AM

Just Between OS: a Puzzle

 Time to let go of your fellow OSer's throat and pick-up a pencil and have some fun....and nothing spells fun to me like a crossword puzzle.

I am the guy who when the nurse comes to fetch him in the waiting room, tells her the doctor will have to wait… Read full post »

JULY 15, 2014 1:57PM

The Old Sword

The Auction
Many Summers ago,  when I was eleven or twelve years old, my mother and my aunt went to an estate auction in Morristown, New Jersey.

My cousin and I came along. I had about five dollars in my pocket to spend, and he had a… Read full post »

Even though I just posted yesterday, I just had to join in the fun of Marilyn Sand's open call. Don't worry, daily posting is not the start of a trend for me.

10.  Hey, there's a new home page on OS!

9. Sure, I'd be glad to show you how… Read full post »

JUNE 23, 2014 1:27PM

A Bat in the House

The other night I was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying  a glass of wine and watching the end of the Yankee-Orioles game before going to bed. Kathie had already retired.

The Yanks were down to their last out when Carlos Beltran slammed a game winning, walk off homer. I… Read full post »

  This is an exchange I had with Adooling this morning re the fact that the OS home page had gone missing. Start reading from the bottom. She seems to be a real person although I am sure some of you will disagree. Note the time line on all/

Read full post »
JUNE 15, 2014 12:45PM

Portrait of the Artist as an Old Man

My wood carving, "Eve of Liberty," won first prize for sculpture at the 20th annual Artsbridge Juried Art Show, in artsy New Hope, Pennsylvania.
eve 2 

The presentation was made at the artists' reception last night.

I was stunned when I got the news, because as a self-taught folk… Read full post »
JUNE 4, 2014 12:15PM

A Spring Walk Along the River

bridgeIt's a beautiful day here in Califon, a fine time for a brisk walk along the South Branch of the Raritan River. I leave my house, walk down Main Street, and turn left at the bridge onto River Road.

This is one of the last remaining Pratt Through Truss Bridges in… Read full post »

We needed to replace a few shrubs that died off this winter, plus we wanted to buy our spring/summer flowers and kitchen garden herbs.

In this part of New Jersey, this calls for a trip to Godlewsky's Farm and Garden in Great Meadows.

Godlewsky's is a signature Jersey locale:… Read full post »
MAY 19, 2014 12:27PM

Spring Attacks!!!

We were just returning from a pleasant ten day stay in Maine and Massachusetts visiting friends and family.

Things were in the budding stage here when we left New Jersey and I had just mowed the lawn for the first time. New England was still brown and gray… Read full post »