Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Location
Califon, New Jersey, United States
Birthday
January 06
Bio
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot

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FEBRUARY 14, 2012 11:58AM

Valentine's Day Headlines

Rate: 9 Flag

Even as you are busy donning your boxer shorts with the hearts  on them, or your red thong, in anticipation of a day and night of pure dionysian pleasure with your loved one, the world marches on.

I am sure you are so busy writhing in bliss that you have scarcely had a moment to notice news stories that are trending in the media.

I, being past all that, have taken the time to put together a collection of today's headlines for you to reflect on when things cool down: 

NAKED MAN ARRESTED FOR BEING COVERED IN CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTER

MALAYSIA BUSTS 80 LOVERS IN VALENTINE'S RAID

RAM AND DOE TO MARRY IN CHINA

REPUBLICANS TAKE ORGASM LEAD IN POLL: HAVE LESS FREQUENT BUT MORE INTENSE SEX THAN LIBERALS

FOR ICELANDIC LOVERS, AN INCEST DATABASE

JUDGE  ORDERS MAN TO TAKE WIFE ON DATE

GINGRICH SWIPES ROMNEY IN VALENTINE DAY-THEMED ATTACK

SEWERAGE PLANT OFFERS VALENTINE'S DAY TOURS 

By the way, these are actual headlines culled from my web browser. Nowhere could I find how Eliot Spitzer is spending the holiday, but I could venture a guess.

And who says there is no more romance in the world? 

 

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Gerald... I think it's time someone got you a sex life... of your own.
R
I haven't toured a sewerage plant in years with my sweetheart. Wait until I tell her, WhooooHoooooo~~
But how could anyone be naked if he is covered in chocolate (and peanut butter)?
Shame...such unromantic Headlines - when the world's trying to get their hearts-on! R
I thought "Naming a cockroach after your girl friend" was the worst idea when it cames to igniting Valentine's Day romance. It still is, but it' s a photo finish with the sewage plant tour.

rated!
Incest database? But I already know I slept with my sister!! ~:D
It just takes all kinds, doesn't it?
I once took a date on a tour of a sewerage plant; she said it stunk.
The headline "Naked man arrested for being covered in chocolate and peanut butter" struck me as particularly odd...

In what jurisdiction is it legal to be naked but against the law to be covered in chocolate and peanut butter?