I’m sorry but I am not sending you a card on Earth Day this year.
Its not because it is enviromentally unfriendly to do so, but because I am angry with you. I am so peeved that when my daughter asked me to recycle my water bottle, I responded: “the earth can shove it up its ass.” She replied that that should be easy for you, since I already live in New Jersey.
All I was trying to do was plant a lousy hydrangea. A two foot hole for cripes sake. But you have to go and park a boulder the size of a Camaro right where the thing was going. A pleasant job requiring a cute little garden spade became an epic struggle with pick axe and shale bar. Since it is about the hundredth time you’ve pulled this little stunt, you’d think the gag would be getting stale. But nooooooooo. I swear I could hear you chuckling.
And since I am complaining, would it kill you to lighten up on the gravity? Hello, falling down hurts! This might help you out as well. If you cranked the gravity down a scoach, all of us obese humans would weigh a little less heavy on your back.
What’s that you say? You have laws and they cannot be broken? What are you, the Planet Nazi? Today’s management style calls for flexibility.
We blame ourselves for a lot of your problems, but, frankly, I don’t think you were doing such a great a job running the show before we took over. Who decided to freeze everyone’s behinds for about a million years just for the heck of it? You can’t hang that one on us because we were wandering around the savannas of Africa trying to figure out what to do with our tails since you killed off all the trees.
Just ask the dinosaurs. Oh, that’s right, you can't, they’re extinct along with 75 percent of the species on the planet at the end of the Cretaceous because you couldn’t trouble yourself to get out of the way of a measly asteroid. They don’t teach swerving or braking in planet school? A little defensive driving might do you, and us, some good.
And what is with this whole fang and claw, survival of the fittest, extinction thing? A tad insensitive for modern times, don’t you think? Here’s an idea: have the gang at American Idol decide which species gets to move on to the next round. Too bad Simon is gone, because he would sent those damn cuddly Pandas packing. This might not be that much more humane, but it could be a hit and put a few bucks in your pocket. We all know your resources are not what they used to be.
And another thing: You're supposed to be our Mother, so ease up on the volcanoes and tsunamis. They are scaring us and not helping property values at the shore. Is this your idea of tough love?
Who ever told you that bouncing continents off each other was a good idea anyway? It’s seems pretty childish to me. Maybe it’s time you grew up and started acting like a five billion year old.
I hope this clears the air. And about that water bottle: I did recycle it. You’re welcome.