Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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APRIL 20, 2012 12:22PM

Note to Earth Re Your Special Day

Rate: 21 Flag

I’m sorry but I am not sending  you a card on Earth Day this year.

Its not because it is enviromentally unfriendly to do so, but because I am angry with you. I am so peeved that when my daughter asked me to recycle my water bottle, I responded: “the earth can shove it up its ass.”  She replied that that should be easy for you, since I already live in New Jersey.

 All I was trying to do was plant a lousy hydrangea. A two foot hole for cripes sake. But you have to go and park a boulder the size of a Camaro right where the thing was going. A pleasant job requiring a cute little garden spade became an epic struggle with pick axe and shale bar. Since it is about the hundredth time you’ve pulled this little stunt, you’d think the gag would be getting stale. But nooooooooo.  I swear I could hear you chuckling.

 And since I am complaining, would it kill you to lighten up on the gravity? Hello, falling down hurts! This might help you out as well. If you cranked the gravity down a scoach, all of us obese humans would weigh a little less heavy on your back.

 What’s that you say? You have laws and they cannot be broken?  What are you, the Planet Nazi? Today’s management style calls for flexibility.

 We blame ourselves for a lot of your problems, but, frankly, I don’t think you were doing such a great a job running the show before we took over. Who decided to freeze everyone’s behinds for about a million years just for the heck of it? You can’t hang that one on us because we were wandering around the savannas of Africa trying to figure out what to do with our tails since you killed off all the trees.

 Just ask the dinosaurs. Oh, that’s right, you can't, they’re extinct along with 75 percent of the species on the planet at the end of the Cretaceous because you couldn’t trouble yourself to get out of the way of a measly asteroid. They don’t teach swerving or braking in planet school? A little defensive driving might do you, and us, some good.

 And what is with this whole fang and claw, survival of the fittest, extinction thing? A tad insensitive for modern times, don’t you think? Here’s an idea: have the gang at American Idol decide which species gets to move on to the next round. Too bad Simon is gone, because he would sent those damn cuddly Pandas packing. This might not be that much more humane, but it could be a hit and put a few bucks in your pocket. We all know your resources are not what they used to be.

 And another thing: You're supposed to be our Mother, so ease up on the volcanoes and tsunamis. They are scaring us and not helping property values at the shore. Is this your idea of tough love?

Who ever told you that bouncing continents off each other was a good idea anyway? It’s seems pretty childish to me. Maybe it’s time you grew up and started acting like a five billion year old.

 I hope this clears the air. And about that water bottle: I did recycle it. You’re welcome.



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Very funny stuff... are you a Republican?
your "irreverent" post and Jmac's comment made me laugh out loud, but ... - hey, are you a republican? ;)
I love a good rant against nature. And I love that mental picture of you trying to plant a lousy hydrangea. You had me laughing. Well done.
I celebrate "earth day" every day by digging around in the dirt with all the other cosmic parasites.

Bottled water? You must be filthy rich. Oh, wait! The Watershed Watch Committee will have your head on a stick. ;)
Very funny. BTW I just purchased a tablecloth made from recycled water bottles and it's beautiful. Stop snickering. It is!/r
Good one Jerry! Personally, in the Fall - I don't jump on a pile of leaves & romp; I drive over to the nearest Landfill & look for my Lifetime Guaranteed Teflon Frying Pan! R
Okay! Fez up. You wrote gags for Seinfeld. Right? Funny as always. Btw, you should try planting in Miami. Three to six inches in and you hit coral. Word. R
It takes a lot of guts to be irreverent about Earth Day.
I'm sorry...I cannot stop laughing. This is beyond brilliant. I'm getting my husband to read it.
It's true, our "Mother" isn't always easy to deal with!
Yeah, stupid Earth!! PFFFFFT!!!!! :D
Vintage Anderson.
Good streak, after that crab, the earth was a piece of cake. Nice line of thought in the first paragraph for New Jersey, to run against the 'I love New York' theme. Should raise the number of tourists to two this year, both coming to see your hydrangea.
Enjoyed this. You are one funny guy..
Very cute and wise as well. Hard to make climate change funny, but you succeeded.
Hahahahahahahahaha! Chortle..... snerk! Bwaaaaaaaahaha!

If mother earth doesn't kill us, father time will!
Funny indeed.
Cogent questions all.
It's not nice to laugh at Mother Nature...but I'm doing it anyway. =o)
Sue her for Inconvenient Boulder Placement.

I understand why you got so frustrated
but, one must be careful
Gaia is a loving mother
until we piss her off
one must always speak in tones of love
or she may decide you must atone
that can come in many ways
more boulders where you wish to plant
or she could drop a load of gophers in your yard
and make it full of lots of holes
or a plague of asian beetles sticking to your windows
or a sudden pot hole on the path where you stroll everyday
appearing just as your foot goes down
and you go down with it
I broke my ankle that way once
and I bring flowers there to honor her
every year
no more pot hole falls since I atoned
Just and FYI
rated with love