Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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JUNE 19, 2012 12:16PM

I may be a Neanderthal

Rate: 26 Flag


I was watching a History Channel show while having lunch the other day about Neanderthal man. The big debate in archaeology is whether modern humans wiped them out or assimilated them. Based on our track record ever since, I would go with the wipe out theory.

Here’s another surprise, it seems that before we killed them off we had sex with them and babies, thus many western Europeans may have Neanderthal ancestors in their family tree.

Here are ten reasons why I think I may be one of them:

  . According to the show, Neanderthals did not add a single new tool to their kit in their two hundred thousand years of existence. A butter knife we got as a wedding present is my preferred implement for removing screws.

  . Given a modern haircut and modern clothes, they could blend right into any city in the United States. Hey, given a modern haircut and modern clothes, so could I!

  . They practiced ritual cannibalism. I always wondered why I drool at funerals.

  . They had heavy sloping brows, long powerful arms, and short legs. That’s why I can tie my shoes without bending down (thank you, Abe Lincoln).

 . They couldn’t spell Neanderthal. Neither can I, but I have spell checker.

  . They lived and traveled in very small family groups. Any wedding we go to, the other side outnumbers ours 3 to 1.

  . They ate no vegetables and had no agriculture. I’d rather chew raw mastodon gizzards than eat broccoli. Last year my upside down tomato growing gizmo produced one tomato the size of a gonad.

 . They had horrible manners, were dirty and brutish. My wife has been telling the kids for years they get their bad traits from my side of the family.

  . We think they had language, but we have not idea what they were talking about. That’s why my wise, fatherly pronouncements are greeted with blank stares.

  . They had no concept of math. What number are we on?

 . They could not adapt to the modern world. I rest my case!




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LOL Guess we have plenty of Neanderthal's traits in my family as well!
This was very wittily written.
I have a few that would fit into that category..:)
Got to love The History Channel!
i have always suspected that there was something
just a little "off" about you, gerald.
now that i look at your photo avatar, i notice an alarming
almost surrealistic
in your head,
and reviewing your posts, i find very little homo sapiens sapiens
sensibility; in fact, this particular comment seems to be typical
of you: " . They practiced ritual cannibalism. I always wondered why I drool at funerals."

I have several neanderthal acquaintances. They are fun to party
with, up to a point. When that point comes, i get the hell
out of there. Their women are utterly unladylike, if
you get my drift...i could easily fall victim to their
charms, especially when they and i are full of
I could have been worse... you might have ended up a Homo-Erectus! Although there are those who wish they had one... I mean were one.
That should have been "It could have been worse". But then I'm an Neanderthal myself, so what do I know.
ditto....and i wouldn't have it any other way......ever notice how the most pissing matches are between the "most sophisticated" while i watch,crack another beer,chuckle, and scratch....
I was a modern human. You see how big an asshole I am?
Just a quick mention that recent scientific evidence points to the Paintings on the walls of the Lascaux caves has now been placed at 40,000 years +, making it a possible Neanderthal series of art, instead of Cro Magnon man.

Are you skilled with a charcoal covered piece of stick?
Can you grill a side of beef (aka: Steak) over an open fire to perfection?

These two traits may also help to nail down your Neanderthal ancestry.
(side note, spell check does not catch properly spelled, but improperly placed words you Neanderthal.)
A very funny post, but in the interests of scientific accuracy I'd follow up on some of those discovery channel claims! It sounds they're about as fanciful as something out of a Jean Auel novel!
You're funny. I do find the theory of cross breeding interesting, though. I wonder who's going to end up isolating the neanderthal gene traits.
I feel better now, realizing I am part of the human group.... I'm a vegetable loving, modern technology loving, tool wielding chica with great hair and math skills. Still, I have no kids, so I may just be driving us extinct. I apparently also learned about consequences at too early an age....
"produced one tomato the size of a gonad."

I am asking permission to use the expression"size of a gonad". My sons will go nuts.

this was a much needed giggle! thanks & well done.
i actually snort/laughed (a very attractive trait) at: "That’s why my wise pronouncements are greeted with blank stares."
See, and they drew on the walls of their cave too! I can't do that though. My kids would call The Van Man if I did. This is a very good list. My fear is that it really could be much longer . . . but, what number are we on?
@Chiller......yeah,i don't think Jane Auel got it right.....i keep giving the wife Auel's "assume the position" hand signal.....she just shakes her head and walks away.......
neanderthals are archeology's new rock stars (spell checker used for this comment).
a nice neanderthal gal approached me today.
she said, 'yo man. got a smoke?'
i said, "sure,here ya go" and delivered the goods.
she said, "lissen, mr. homo sapiens, what would you say to a night of utter debauchery with
unevolved types like me and my sisters, hm?"

i said, "ma'am! I am species specific,and shall not budge"
she said, "eh,yer loss.."
But your bone structure belies your behavioral assumptions which makes you not Neanderthal but a slacker.
Did they wear suits and ties? If so, you are definitely one of them.
Gerald...dear Gerald...lose the tie...and break loose....:)
mE thINk yoo ryt goood.
Haha! Compelling arguments indeed.... :-)