"We are going to have to get some of this furniture out of here when we put the house on the market so that the rooms will look bigger," Kathie, my wife, said.
I grabbed her by the arm and whisked her out the front door, past the gossipy porch furniture, and into the car.
"You can't talk like that in front of them. They can hear you," I implored.
"Who can here me?", she asked.
"The furniture. I saw it on Facebook this morning that Clint Eastwood was talking to a chair the other night at the Republican convention, not like a chairman chair, but a real chair."
"Was the chair talking back?", she inquired as her hand slowly moved toward the door latch.
"Yes, it was even rude to him, I gather. It was a metaphorical thing: Obama was supposed to be in the chair, but he didn't show up, so the chair was sitting-in for him.
"How did the chair do?", she asked with more than a hint of irony in her tone.
"A little wooden, but better than Ann Romney."
"You should really wear a hat when we go to the beach."
It looks like the Republicans are trying to turn our furniture against us. We all know they consider the poor and middle classes as inanimate objects, but now they are making a play for REAL inanimate objects.
They only represent 34 per cent of the population so they have to build their base somewhere. And they have about as much chance of energizing a bunch of chairs and sofas as Obama does the great non-voting majority.
Since most of our furniture is antiques, the perfect demographic for the Republicans, I don't know who to trust around here anymore.
I know the wing chair already has it in for me. Yesterday, after my third martini, I thought I fell out of it. Now, I suspect I was pushed.
When I snuck down for a snack last night, one of the dining room chairs stuck its leg out and stubbed my pinky toe. When I asked which of them had done it, there was no reply. Apparently, they had taken a Pledge of silence.
My dry sink hasn't had a job since the advent of internal plumbing, so I know it has been listening to that trickle down job creation crap.
I've already locked my tea caddy up in the barn in case it gets any ideas about holding a party.
Oh, those Republicans are crafty. They know that only a dumb-waiter or a foot stool would buy that "it doesn't matter how we got here" malarky anyway.
The next time you see a shot of Romney addressing an empty room, you will know that he is talking to the chairs.