Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep, etc., etc.
Thank you, dear Father, for getting me through another day unscathed and for keeping the stock market on an upward trend. Would appreciate a heads-up if things start to go south. We've discussed this before and I won't bore you with technicalities, but I need to fatten my IRA as much as I can.
I have a special request to ask of you tonight, your Almightyness: Would you and your friends at Christian Mingle please stop sending me emails to interest me in your dating service?
It's getting embarrassing. What if my wife reads my emails, which she "accidentally" does sometimes? She would be terribly hurt to learn she was not "God's match" for me as you advertise.
That's right, you should know better than anyone that I have been been married for 41 years to the same lovely woman who is alive and well, thank you for that, and lying next to me as we speak. Have you forgotten? You couldn't make the service but we were told you would be there in spirit. Don't you remember? Immaculate Conception Church in Brooklyn? I had the long hair and the Fu Manchu mustache? What can I say? It was the style.
If you have forgotten, I am a little concerned about you. What happened to that "every hair on your head" stuff? For someone who has been around since before eternity began, 41 years should seem like only yesterday. It does to me. Well, I forgive you. It's not like I haven't forgotten an anniversary once or twice.
For the record, I am not planning any changes in my marital status. Enter that in your data base and do a purge, that would be my suggestion.
Of course, its possible you are just tempting me, you playful old devil. Oops, bad choice of words. I will admit I peeked at what you had to offer. Seriously? Dewey eyed virgins? I thought virginity went out with the Doris Day movies. Didn't you reassign St. Joseph, their patron saint, to real estate because of lack of business in the virgin department? Neither am I tempted by ex-nun look-a likes and reincarnations of Dana Carvey's church lady.
Wait! Maybe you know something I don't! Maybe she's planning to leave me. Perhaps it was insensitive of me to be inattentive when she said: "I can't stand you another minute," but, in my defense, I was watching the game.
Well, if so, thanks for the warning and I am impressed. You've gotten very subtle in your old age. Whatever happened to hurling lightening bolts to get someone's attention? When did you start doing email instead of communicating via the burning bush? Times change, even in eternity.
Of course, there is another possibility, maybe those schlemiels at Christian Mingle are trading on your brand without your permission. Isn't taking the Lord's name in vain a direct violation of one of your commandments, though I'll be damned if I remember which one? Maybe you should seek damages as well as retribution and hellfire. My niece is a trademark attorney, and I'm sure she could help.
Well, I bet that's it. It's a good learning experience for you about worrying less about graven images and more about your own.
I feel much better after this little chat. Goodnight, Big Guy, don't let the bed bugs bite.