Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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JANUARY 31, 2013 6:40PM

Dear God, You're Wrecking My Marriage!

Rate: 15 Flag

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray The Lord my soul to keep, etc., etc.

Thank you, dear Father, for getting me through another day unscathed and for keeping the stock market on an upward trend. Would appreciate a heads-up if things start to go south. We've discussed this before and I won't bore you with technicalities, but I need to fatten my IRA as much as I can.

I have a special request to ask of you tonight, your Almightyness: Would you and your friends at Christian Mingle please stop sending me emails to interest me in your dating service?

It's getting embarrassing. What if my wife reads my emails, which she "accidentally" does sometimes? She would be terribly hurt to learn she was not "God's match" for me as you advertise.

That's right, you should know better than anyone that I have been been married for 41 years to the same lovely  woman who is alive and well, thank you for that, and lying next to me as we speak. Have you forgotten? You couldn't make the service but we were told you would be there in spirit. Don't you remember? Immaculate Conception Church in Brooklyn? I had the long hair and the Fu Manchu mustache? What can I say? It was the style.

If you have forgotten, I am a little concerned about you. What happened to that "every hair on your head" stuff? For someone who has been around since before eternity began, 41 years should seem like only yesterday. It does to me. Well, I forgive you. It's not like I haven't forgotten an anniversary once or twice.

For the record, I am not planning any changes in my marital status. Enter that in your data base and do a purge, that would be my suggestion.

Of course, its possible you are just tempting me, you playful old devil. Oops, bad choice of words. I will admit I peeked at what you had to offer. Seriously? Dewey eyed virgins? I thought virginity went out with the Doris Day movies. Didn't you reassign St. Joseph, their patron saint, to real estate because of lack of business in the virgin department? Neither am I tempted by ex-nun look-a likes and reincarnations of Dana Carvey's church lady.

Wait! Maybe you know something I don't! Maybe she's planning to leave me. Perhaps  it was insensitive of me to be inattentive when she said: "I can't stand you another minute," but, in my defense, I was watching the game. 

Well, if so, thanks for the warning and I am impressed. You've gotten very subtle in your old age. Whatever happened to hurling lightening bolts to get someone's attention? When did you start doing email instead of communicating via the burning bush? Times change, even in eternity.

Of course, there is another possibility, maybe those schlemiels at Christian Mingle are trading on your brand without your permission. Isn't taking the Lord's name in vain a direct violation of one of your commandments, though I'll be damned if I remember which one? Maybe you should seek damages as well as retribution and hellfire. My niece is a trademark attorney, and I'm sure she could help.

Well, I bet that's it. It's a good learning experience for you about worrying less about graven images and more about your own.

 I feel much better after this little chat. Goodnight, Big Guy, don't let the bed bugs bite. 

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You religiously put out a Great Article! But you're not alone in that department; I get emails for Penile Enlargements! ha ha R
You still appear to have a hint of that Fu Manchu mustache. God wants to know what your excuse is now.
I'll bet your were "a vision" at your wedding. This is hilarious.

Well, well, well. Congratulations all around to you and your 41 years and the lady who gave them to you.

Great comments above, and wishing you'd posted a wedding day photo for auld lang syne (and for us to laugh with you over). It would be a right good contrast to your avatar. :)
[r] Leave it to you to challenge the slogan, Gerald!!! I found this:

Paul Farhi of WP

"It might be the most audacious, and perhaps the most presumptuous, ad slogan ever devised.

"“Find God’s Match for You,” sayeth, an online dating service that suggests in its advertising that its computer-generated matches are, well, made in heaven.


"“Kosher” might be the operative word for ChristianMingle. The site is owned by the same company, Beverly Hills-based Spark Networks, that owns JDate, the wildly successful Jewish dating service. Indeed, JDate has been the engine behind ChristianMingle’s “God” campaign this year. Spark has plowed revenue generated by the older, more established JDate into promoting the Christian site.

"ChristianMingle is now the biggest of Spark’s 28 dating sites, each for a specific subset of singles. There’s Adventist Singles Connection, BlackSingles, DeafSingles Connection and CatholicMingle, as well as sites for Mormons, older people, plus-size women (and the men who like them), single parents and military personnel.


"The company says ChristianMingle is the nation’s leading Christian-based dating site, with more than 8 million registered members. What it doesn’t say, except in the fine print of its financial filings, is that almost all of those members are registered for the free trial, which enables users to post profiles and photos but doesn’t permit them to communicate with paying subscribers. The latter pay $29.99 for one month of unrestricted access or $18.99 per month for a three-month subscription."

end of quote

I'm thinking God is multi-tasking for this corporation.

Happy 41st Year! best, libby
I wonder why it is that everything with the word 'christian' in it always wants money.......

I thought Zeus was the thunderbolt-hurler. Congrats on 41 years!
Well said. God is letting corporate greed players have their fun.

Maybe the inspiration for this article was caused by divine intervention that would cause someone - say, me -- to ask - nay ,beg - you to post a photo of yourself at your wedding with that impressive-sounding facial and head hair. I hope so!