Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


Gerald Andersen's Links

No links in this category.
FEBRUARY 4, 2013 1:43PM

Coming Soon: New, Realer Reality Shows

Rate: 13 Flag
To: Promotion and Publicity Department
From: Ima Phaque, Director of Programming

Feb 3, 2013

I know we are a little late getting into the whole reality programming trend. It's only been 13 years since Survivor hit the airwaves, ha, ha.

Still, we have managed to close the gap.  Our new Fall programs are really realer than anything in reality, and don't  have to take a back seat in inanity and tastelessness to anyone. We've given you a lot to work with, guys, so put your shoulders to the wheel and promote the hell out of one helluva lineup!

Here they are:

An Arm and a Leg: You will fall down laughing and you may lose your grip as you follow the antics of the gang down at the the prosthetics salon.

American Scavangers: Three formerly middle class families compete for the ripest treasures as they dumpster dive to feed and clothe their families. Your spine will tingle during episode one as cute little 4 year old Gracie's safety harness breaks while diving to the bottom of a McDonald's trash receptacle.

Skeet Shooting with Barack and Nancy: Join our jolly pair as they compete to blast various objects out of the sky. Episode one's targets include Donald Trump's toupee ("Hey, Nance, did I hit the damn thing or was that a pigeon?"), Rick Santorums's cardigan sweater, Barney ("Are you sure he's dead?"), and Dick Cheney's Pacemaker. Sorry, Barack, no fair using drones. 

IT's So Funny: Follow the adventures of Chuck and Earl, two happy-go-lucky "nerds" in the IT department of a major corporation. You will be on the edge of your seat as they attempt to reboot the accounting departments mainframe; you'll "crack" up as they xerox their naked bottoms and PhotoShop them to look like Laurel and Hardy; you'll chuckle as they load child pornography on the hapless sales manager's Power Point presentation to the National Teacher's Convention.

Wrap My Package: Two talented and zany seamstresses design fashionable custom underwear for well-hung men. "Banana hammock, hell! This guy needs a spaghetti squash basket!" This is a natural to go head-to-head with Lifetime's "Double Divas", the bra fitting show.

Put America to Work: Watch as eager young college grads compete for the the last three entry level management jobs in the United States. Alert!: This show has been cancelled, because CBS stole the idea and will be airing it as "The Job" on Friday nights.

Jane, You Ignorant Slut: Follow a group of Open Salon bloggers as they trash and smash each other in an all out witty war of comments and posts. Okay, this one might not make it, but at least we don't have to pay these people.

Where's Steve?: An attractive young couple, Dirk and Denise, does not believe Steven Jobs is dead but is living in India and working for Comcast. "I know I had him on the phone when my router went down. He said: 'Sahib, you are a total stupid shithead.' I think he said Sahib to make me think he spoke Indian." Follow them from phone bank to phone bank across the mysterious sub-continent as they pursue the elusive and probably deceased American guru.

Eat My Gym Clothes: America's top chefs compete to create tasty and original dishes from a laundry basket of soiled athletic wear. Your mouth will water as they come up with such delights as Sweat Sock Souffle and Dirty Panty Chiffon Pie.

(Author's Disclaimer: Two of these shows actually exist: "The Job" and "Double Divas." The rest I think I made up, but if they actually exist on television, it is purely coincidental and not at all surprising.)

Author tags:

comedy, humor, satire, reality shows

Your tags:


Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Recipient's email address:
Personal message (optional):

Your email address:


Type your comment below:
Funny Jer! But have 2 Questions - Where can I pick up a Spagetti Squash Basket AND... How much will you take for that Photo of me Dumpster Diving?
This is funny. "Wrap My Package" sounds like a winner!
You may get further with something like "Gerald's World".
The fact that two of them are actually on the air is a sad commentary on Hollywood. I think another good choice for a show would be to lock all the television writers in one large buidling, lock the door and tell them that if they can't come up with something original and NOT reality the building will be set afire.....then do it.
Are videos required for "Wrap My Package" or do they select the contestants directly from chat rooms?
Hilarious, Gerald! I'm with Zuma and JL if we're voting what to put forth for the coming season. If we go with Jane, You Ignorant Slut, can I audition for the cackler on the laugh track? R, no doubt about it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear. I'd love to see a Wrap My Package deal come out. you may be on to something here. ~r
[r] Oh, Gerald. Now that they are out there, your ideas, have you surrendered royalty rights? Well done. It is hard to do satire as they say because of the surreality of our present reality. As for the heart of darkness of American tee-bee, anything goes, has already gone, sadly, in post-Morality America. best, libby
Haha! I have to admit, though, I'd totally watch "An Arm and a Leg". And ANYTHING has to be better than "Double Divas" - I cannot stand those ladies who run the store! Yep, I like reality TV...but one thing I'd like to see a lot less of, is something like "Jane, You Ignorant Slut". Sadly, that one will be around even if the TV execs don't greenlight it.....
aint reality tv a oxymoron?.....
OMFG! Have you been taking blog-writing lessons from Tink?!

Tee-hee, snerkle!