To: Promotion and Publicity Department
From: Ima Phaque, Director of Programming
Feb 3, 2013
I know we are a little late getting into the whole reality programming trend. It's only been 13 years since Survivor hit the airwaves, ha, ha.
Still, we have managed to close the gap. Our new Fall programs are really realer than anything in reality, and don't have to take a back seat in inanity and tastelessness to anyone. We've given you a lot to work with, guys, so put your shoulders to the wheel and promote the hell out of one helluva lineup!
Here they are:
An Arm and a Leg: You will fall down laughing and you may lose your grip as you follow the antics of the gang down at the the prosthetics salon.
American Scavangers: Three formerly middle class families compete for the ripest treasures as they dumpster dive to feed and clothe their families. Your spine will tingle during episode one as cute little 4 year old Gracie's safety harness breaks while diving to the bottom of a McDonald's trash receptacle.
Skeet Shooting with Barack and Nancy: Join our jolly pair as they compete to blast various objects out of the sky. Episode one's targets include Donald Trump's toupee ("Hey, Nance, did I hit the damn thing or was that a pigeon?"), Rick Santorums's cardigan sweater, Barney ("Are you sure he's dead?"), and Dick Cheney's Pacemaker. Sorry, Barack, no fair using drones.
IT's So Funny: Follow the adventures of Chuck and Earl, two happy-go-lucky "nerds" in the IT department of a major corporation. You will be on the edge of your seat as they attempt to reboot the accounting departments mainframe; you'll "crack" up as they xerox their naked bottoms and PhotoShop them to look like Laurel and Hardy; you'll chuckle as they load child pornography on the hapless sales manager's Power Point presentation to the National Teacher's Convention.
Wrap My Package: Two talented and zany seamstresses design fashionable custom underwear for well-hung men. "Banana hammock, hell! This guy needs a spaghetti squash basket!" This is a natural to go head-to-head with Lifetime's "Double Divas", the bra fitting show.
Put America to Work: Watch as eager young college grads compete for the the last three entry level management jobs in the United States. Alert!: This show has been cancelled, because CBS stole the idea and will be airing it as "The Job" on Friday nights.
Jane, You Ignorant Slut: Follow a group of Open Salon bloggers as they trash and smash each other in an all out witty war of comments and posts. Okay, this one might not make it, but at least we don't have to pay these people.
Where's Steve?: An attractive young couple, Dirk and Denise, does not believe Steven Jobs is dead but is living in India and working for Comcast. "I know I had him on the phone when my router went down. He said: 'Sahib, you are a total stupid shithead.' I think he said Sahib to make me think he spoke Indian." Follow them from phone bank to phone bank across the mysterious sub-continent as they pursue the elusive and probably deceased American guru.
Eat My Gym Clothes: America's top chefs compete to create tasty and original dishes from a laundry basket of soiled athletic wear. Your mouth will water as they come up with such delights as Sweat Sock Souffle and Dirty Panty Chiffon Pie.
(Author's Disclaimer: Two of these shows actually exist: "The Job" and "Double Divas." The rest I think I made up, but if they actually exist on television, it is purely coincidental and not at all surprising.)