Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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FEBRUARY 7, 2013 9:29PM

It's Your Friends at the NRA Calling

Rate: 7 Flag

Weekend Fiction
 Prompt: Write a story in the form of a voicemail message.
Good morning, Mr. Gunnerson, this is Chuck Dwijiak, under-secretary to the under-secretary, of the National Rifle Association.

We have no idea if you are a gun enthusiast, nor should we, as we don't wish to violate your right to enjoy your arms in private. They don't call them concealed weapons for nothing, now do they, heh, heh.

However, the name you use, Gunny,  on your outgoing message suggests that you might be one of us. I am calling today to urge your support for the Senate re-election campaign of Mr. Murphy Clarkson. Mr. Clarkson is a strong advocate of your Second Amendment rights.

However, while we do provide financial support to his campaign, it does not mean that he is in our pocket. The Sheboygan Gazette was dead wrong when they stated. "The NRA provides loaded banana clips for Mr. Clarkson's rapid fire stupidity."
As a matter of record, we consider him a moderate in the gun control debate. For example, he strongly opposes our stance on the necessity of arming school teachers. We have emailed a PDF of his recent article in our newsletter: "No Guns for Sissy Little Women." He makes a strong case that if even one of these guns leads to the death of a citizen in the performance of a legitimate rape, it would be an unacceptable outrage. 

However, he is with us one hundred per cent in our efforts to keep high capacity ammo clips and assault weapons legal. 

Re this, I have also emailed his article in the latest issue of Friendly Firearms: "What About Rabid Squirrels?" He reports on the alarming population increase of these dangerous rodents. We quote from the alarming article: "You can't walk across your yard without stepping on one of these little shitters. Even if one per cent of them is rabid that's a lot of squirrels that need killing. And they're little itty bitty things too. Nobody can hit one with one shot. You need a hail of lead to turn it into a car antenna ornament before it gets a lip lock on your ankle."

I would call this a wake up call, Mr. Gunnerson.

To show he is also sensitive to the human side of the debate we have enclosed his brochure: "What to Do When You've Shot Your Kid." Many a grieving dad will take comfort in his words: "Take heart. There are more just like him in your old ammo pouch."

Yes, Gunny, don't be a bunny. Vote for Clarkson. You don't want to wind up on our enemies list with a lot of do-gooder church folks, and such like.
(Beep) You have one message. Press one to play back your message.
Good morning, Mr. Gunnerson, this is Chuck Dwijiak, under-secretary to the under-secretary, at the National Rifle Association.
(Beep)  Message erased.

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very original..:)
"dangerous rodents " I feed the black squirrels and now some have lodged in the rafters for the winter.
Family member put a trap out to relocate them.. bu the dog shut the trap down and I put a sign on it saying,
beware its a trap..:)
Mr. Punnerson, I read this right before it got erased.
If my Hearing Aids are workin' now - what you're saying is - you've been feeding Squirrels Banana Chips & now they won't even look at an Acorn?
Oh, Banana CLIPS...never mind.
Whoa! This is the message: The NRA is a shill for the gun and ammo industries. We are calling you because we believe that you are stupid enough or cray cray enough to think that we care about you and your "second amendment" rights... heh heh... you know what we mean, don't you? Yeah! that means you can kill all the Trayvon Martins you want to because we got laws passed that makes it legal!

At least that's what I get from this. Zumapick and R.
[r] gunny, this is funny! tho, "you got more kids in your ammo pouch." OUCH!!! best, libby
I hear his opponent is running on a platform of "save the rabid squirrels." It's gonna be close.
Good read, no squirrel is safe today.
enjoyed. for some reason, when i read your comic pieces, i think of Thurber - for off the wall or art least unexpected! (off the wall is good).