Shaken, Not Stirred

Humorous Essays and Other Stuff

Gerald Andersen

Gerald Andersen
Califon, New Jersey, United States
January 06
"“When I have one martini, I feel bigger, wiser, taller. When I have a second, I feel superlative. When I have more, there's no holding me.” - William Faulkner "I grow old...I grow old. I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled." -T.S. Eliot


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JULY 5, 2013 12:31PM

You May be Eligible to Win Cash and Prizes

Rate: 27 Flag

I recently signed up to complete consumer surveys for a well known market research company.

I have done similar work in the past and have also participated in panel studies. I don't remember how much I was compensated - probably in the area of a hundred bucks per panel - but I was, indeed, paid for my efforts.

In this new set-up, however, I have to do four or five surveys per week, each of which takes up to twenty minutes, and for doing this I receive nothing but points which makes me eligible to win cash and prizes. 

This not wanting to pay the average Joe for his efforts is becoming a trend in this country. The big shots continue to get the big fees, but the little guy has to dive for peanuts.

I wonder how my doctor or lawyer would react if I told him that in exchange for his services, I will make him eligible to win cash and prizes. I have an old play station two sitting out in the garage and this may be a good way to get rid of it.

I think that Congressman Paul Ryan may pounce on this idea to reform Social Security:

From the Office of Paul Ryan
For Immediate Release


WASHINGTON- Congressmman Paul Ryan, R-WI, announced today his exciting new plan to overhaul Social Security.

Instead of receiving a boring check or direct deposit each month, America's seniors will now have the opportunity to compete for generous awards of cash and prizes.

"Anyone who has ever gone into one of those cute little stores in our ethnic neighborhoods - I think they call them bodegas - will know how much our old timers really love to compete for money," Ryan said.  "That look in their eyes as they scratch away on their instant lottery cards is not desperation,as my opponents allege, but the twinkle of the good old American competitive spirit."

Each month, a Social Security recipient will receive in his e-mail account one hundred points.
He can go onto the SS web site,, and apply the  points to the monthly $5,000 cash offering or one of the dazzling prizes being featured. These run the gamut from a full year's supply of cat food to Jitterbug phone plans.

Winners will be drawn each month and each point is the equal of one entry. Thus, if an entrant puts 30 points on the cash prize he will have thirty chances to win.

"If a person is running short of funds, he can apply all his points to that cash reward, if the grand kids are coming, that lawn dart set may be just the thing to go for," he explained.

When asked how many people would be competing for the single cash offering each month, Ryan responded: "More than you might think."

When asked about the average person's odds of receiving anything, he became justifiably indignant: "Life isn't only about money, it's about having fun. If the Government can't bring a little joy into the lives of our non-productive old people, what is it for?

Once a year, a $20 million dollar prize will be up for grabs. However, only recipients who earned salaries of $1 million or more annually in their last ten working years are eligible to compete for it. "Fair is fair," Ryan explained.

Younger Americans will also benefit from the new plan. Their Social Security payroll deduction will be cut by a whopping 95% and be replaced with what the Congressman is calling a Financial Future Security tax.

This money will establish an insurance fund for the financial industry.
"With the peace of mind this offers them, our investment bankers will now be free to come up with even more creative ways to grow our capital, and thus assure the future of our younger workers."

Ryan feels his new system can also be used to revamp Medicare. "This is democracy at work, if you need a cancerous tumor removed, bet all your Medicare points on the surgery. You have the same chance of getting it as the next American."

Ryan cares deeply about our old people. Last year, his "Guns for Geezers" firearm subsidy for seniors helped many put much needed food on their table. His light-hearted show, "The Urban Game Chef", which will replace Paula Deen next Fall, provides them with creative, affordable recipes.


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Frighteningly plausible. -R-

Are you nuts?!!! Give them an idea like that and you KNOW what's gonna happen! Don't you?

Funny as hell... wait, is hell funny??? R&R ;-)
"The law of unintended consequences" comes immediately to mind.

I hope it doesn't happen...but I would no more give Ryan an idea like this to play with than I would a book of matches.
God help us if they should see this, I'm still years away from collecting... if ever. I don't really like gambling, I want a sure thing.

You'll be dead soon so bet the ranch dot com. Flippin' hilarious! hahahahaha.........
Laughed so hard I forgot to rate. Rated.
yer a subversive satirist, we all know this..but this time
u went too too far..cuz as mz stacey the uh snowlady
sez it is plausible.

i do not wanna see it. i got enuf trouble waiting behind
the geezers now in line.
to get my fried chicken.

oh it is so good. you? too old to eat it, i know.
me? i eat a whole box in 10 minnits.

you? i gonna report u to someone. for subversive ideaz.
just my luck the dude who
oversees yer case
in a court w/o recourse
will be an ironist.
another geezer. only geezers got irony anymore.
til they lose their wits .
Yes, I know exactly why Sky wants to delete this. It's too feasible.

Back in 2010, I wrote a satirical post. At the time it seemed like satire, anyway, and it was certainly intended that way, but have a look how satirical it looks now:
No joke about the these marketing groups paying less and less. I got stories. Delightful and realistic. I'm pretty sure Sky is kidding about the deleting. Poor Paula. Not surprised Ryan has usurped her last morsel.
Don't worry, I'm sure someone has already thought of it. They'll be phasing it in in the next ten years.
I'd b e laughing if I wasn't still trying to figure out why you signed up for the consumer survey.
I'm with Sky -- shhhhhhh. Don't give them any bright ideas!

Stacey, good satire, I am told, takes a rational premise to the extreme. This is what I tried to do.
Sky, NO!! ;-)
Jmac, I hope so, cause that's where I'm bound.
Frank, so you are sayin a US congressman can't be trusted with matches? I'm not surprised.
L'heure, rest easy. They will never see this. No one does.
James, you know how to turn a phrase. Subversive satirist has a nice ring.
Kosh, I am sure they are developing this concept as we speak.
Fernsy, Sky is kidding. At least I think so.
Phyllis, you can't have enough toasters when you reach a certain age.
JL, I need the money, or the remote possibility of the money.
L, I am sure the idea is in development as we speak. Stay tuned
I would have liked this more had I seen a "satire" tag.

In two years I'll tell you whether I was kidding.......

or predicting.

What is this thing called Social Security...and Medicare? I'm too young to know of these things! When you get older - you get stuff? Well, if Private Ryan wants to get rid of it - it must be helpful. R
The scariest part of this is that I can no longer tell if this is satire.

Points well taken.
Sky's advice may be logical, but only in the sense that it does no good to pray. The Devil is paying close attention! You could try reverse psychology on Beezebub, or whoever it is that may steal your ideas. We can all pray fervently that Paul Ryan goes immediately to Heaven. Even if he goes there, he will be tormented for the rest of time, from boredom. Angels are not permitted to smirk, make little cat laughs, or show off their physique.
I want you mean. I was promised a "Pulitzer" if I became an OS blogger. (Little did I know that "Pulitzer" means zit-puller in some obscure European country). R
while this is for sport, in fact, genuine policy recommendations from the right are really out there. this AM I was listening to Larry Kudlow and a policy specialist agree that what we need now to produce more jobs is... tax reform, which is low/no corporate taxes and lower top tax rates.

if we didn't already have excess capital, it might be plausible, but we do, so what will happen if we did this?? not more jobs.
so bet the

nice one, gerald.

and a nice box of roadkill helper can doctor up any roadkill!
And Publishers Clearinghouse can get the government contract to run the whole operation!
[r] well done, gerald! hah!!!! I remember receiving a little slip with my paycheck before direct deposit days that said henceforth your 401k will be "invested/speculated" by your trusted employer instead of accumulating at a slow but secure rate. WTF???? A quiet communication meaning so much.

cash and prizes!!! has a sexy and all American ring to it.

I get crazed when state and local governments decide "gambling" is the big answer to the financial problems so decide "let's bring casinos and slot machines, etc.," ever closer to the struggling Americans and hope the addictions catch fire. And it will all go for education ... except not really.

And when jackpot lotteries go to only one or two persons instead of divided up into many winners, maybe getting a million dollars each, nothing to sneeze at. you know that is gamed to serve the hidden parasites. You have no idea, though, how many fellow citizens become insanely angry at me for that modest proposal. As if I were stealing millions from their very wallets or pocketbooks!

thanks once again for your wit and wisdom, my friend!

best, libby
Having suffered an embarassing number of electoral setbacks in recent federal elections because of it's anti-minority, anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-education, anti-immigration, anti-union, anti-regulation, anti-alternate energy, anti-welfare, anti-healthcare, anti-social security and anti-medicare policies, the Republican Party has spent a lot of time, effort and money examining itself (no proctologist would do so).

As a result, big changes are in the offing. First up is a name change. Since the Green Party was already taken, the Republican Party has decided to rebrand itself as the Soylent Green Party.
yes as I said, 'subversive satirist'.
"sans social conscience', may I add...

you got ridda that hat, I hope?
Abrawang, oops!
Sky, no one has ever accused me of being a visionary, so maybe we're safe.
Marilyn, You are ageless......and priceless.
Antoinette, I didn't mean to frighten you.
Steven, interesting comment. I guess so, is all I can say.
Trudge, congrats. What the hell an award is an award.
Terry, you are right. Making fun of the Republicans is a little bit like shooting fish in a barrel
Daisy, what a coincidence! What comes off of my grill has often been compared to road kill.
Lefty, where is Ed McMahon when we need him!
Libby, I agree about the gambling thing. In NJ voters defeated the casinos the first time it was on the ballot. The state and casino industry did huge campaign on how the proceeds would all go help senior citizens. It passed and the senior citizens got screwed....and so it goes.
Tom, thanks for stopping by. A proctologist wouldn't help the GOP because their asses are too tight for a colonoscopy.
James, I am without a headwear conscience as well. In your honor,I am wearing the chapeau in question as I write this.
My name is Glen Beck and I approve this message. --- oh, this is too funny!!!
But yeah, Paul Ryan has no sense of humor and should he find this he'll eagerly type up some legislation.
Just in time for me to be a senior, hey thanks, Gerald : )
Why stop there? Who needs a wage when you can have the chance at cash and prizes!? Oh the anticipation! It'll be the greatest lottery ever!

Each hour you work you get a single entry into the weekly raffle, and the pot starts clean at the beginning of every week, so you don't have to worry about seniority, everybody comes on with an equal chance!
Haha! I second Stacey's comment!
I'm afraid we're not far from this... Write it down folks, we heard it from Gerald first!!
Littlewilie, so you're Glen Beck!!
Just, nothing I have ever written has ever influenced anyone so far.
Stuart, the big boys have this noe. It's called performance incentives.
Alysa and Brazen, I didn't mean to frighten anyone.