Obama Magic Reaching Even Determined U.S. Foes
Item: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, took time out from wiping Israel off maps and making tinfoil hats for his imaginary friend, to write a letter congratulating Barack Obama on his election win. – various news reports, with added editorial comment.
Although America's friends abroad reacted warmly to Mr. Obama's election, more surprising was the relatively positive response of those who have not always loved the USA. This may be the beginning of a trend. So powerful is the message of hope delivered by President-Elect Obama, that some of the world’s most enthusiastic haters of America have made at least some gesture of conciliation.
In Lebanon, a Hezbollah spokesman was quoted saying, “Bush was a wicked and Satanic leader. Obama is merely wicked. This appears to be an improvement.” The warm feelings cooled later, however, when the spokesman said: “Wait... who the Hell is this Rahm Emmanuel person?”
In Pyongyang, an official source stated that top North Korean medical specialists were attempting to resuscitate Kim Jong-Il, so that he could telephone Mr. Obama to deliver best wishes. And top North Korean engineers were attempting to locate a working telephone.
(Alec Baldwin, seducer, still resident in America)
Alec Baldwin has indicated that he is satisfied with the election results, and will continue to live in America. His statement was delivered in a low, sultry tone, causing inappropriate thoughts among many women, both domestic and foreign.
(Rush Limbaugh, unpleasant person)
Rush Limbaugh was thought initially to be upset at the prospect of an Obama administration, but was reported later to have been observed singing loudly “Happy days are here again,” in anticipation of the boost to his ratings expected to result from the new White House resident.
Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin reacted in characteristically enigmatic fashion. First he
ordered requested that his puppet colleague President Medvedev confirm the placement of nuclear-capable missiles in the Russian Baltic enclave of Kaliningrad. Then Mr. Putin retired to his underground lair, where he was seen practicing a speech, in front of a mirror, discussing his experience as a KGB “community organizer” in Eastern Europe in the 1980s, and delivering the lines, “Da, mui mojem!” (“Yes, we can!”), and “Da, vui boodetye!” ("Yes, you will!).
(Chavez: “Imperialists!) (His Majesty King Juan Carlos: “Shut up!”)
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez donned his shiniest uniform, attached all his self-awarded medals and flew to Havana. There, he collected the aging Fidel Castro. Castro had previously arranged for several thousand "supporters" to meet "spontaneously" at the Plaza de la Revolución. Chavez rose to speak, preparing to announce that Obama was a lesser Imperialist than Bush, but still an Imperialist. At the last minute, Chavez received an urgent phone call. It was King Juan Carlos of Spain, who told the General, once again, to “Shut up!” Chavez sat down, glowering. Not knowing what else to do, the giant crowd cheered.
In China, more than 50 million Barack Obama action figures have already been manufactured, and are ready for shipment to Wal-Mart. As a gesture of friendship, the levels of melamine and lead in these toys have been reduced by 20%.
America is making progress again, one small step at a time.
Note: Godspeed, President-Elect Obama, from Canada – a country that loves America and apologizes for Celine Dion and Howie Mandel.
Cam Battley lives quietly in rural Ontario, Canada.