The "Golden Arches" - corporate symbol of the worlds largest killer and torturer of root vegatables.  Ever wondered why they're gold?

Folks, I’m sure you’ve all heard about PETA and their efforts to protect animals from exploitation.  This means, of course, no meat, and no keeping pets and no taking insulin, unless you happen to be a PETA Vice-President.  May every animal roam the earth free, like a cow in India!

Well, protecting animals from the evils of human contact is simply not enough.  It’s time we extended those same rights to agriculture, thereby protecting every living thing from that wicked food chain thingie.   Yes, we must protect all living things because plants are people too.

Cap’n, you ask, what should I do?  Insist on eating only free range lettuce?  Well, the answer is, of course, no.  While it’s good that the lettuce is not forced to grow up in tiny cages or lined up in neat little Nazi-like rows like those poor corn stalks, it still must die in order for you to eat it.  It must be savagely cut or ripped out of the ground before being hurled into boxes with other lettuce carcasses and trucked to market.

Don’t even start me on those poor corn stalks.  Every time I see a field of stalks lined up with military precision, I just want to puke up high-fructose corn syrup.  Did you know that the parts of the corn that don’t get eaten are made into ethanol and burned alive in gasoline?  Oh, the humanity!

The abuse of agriculture is shockingly pervasive.  Why, did you know that in many so-called civilized countries, places like the US and Canada, people actually plant millions of tiny, “grass” seeds, let these seeds grow to maturity then they slice their little heads off with high-powered motorized machines called mowers?  And for what?  To keep up with the Joneses!  I hate the Joneses!

It doesn’t end there.  Root vegetables, such as potatoes are ripped from the earth, cut into tiny stalks called “fries” and dipped in scalding oil until they change color.  This happens to millions, perhaps even billions of potato plants around the world every day.  There is virtually no culture left in the world that does not participate in this barbarous ritual.

There is no end to this abuse of agriculture, good people.  Every year, millions of trees are planted, some simply to please humans, while others are brutally chopped down with axes and chain saws and then sliced into “lumber”.  The world is littered with so-called houses made from the guts of trees.  Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if you were sitting in one of those “wooden” structures right now!

I know what you’re thinking; but Cap’n if I can't eat animals and I can’t eat plants, then what am I to eat?  That is so like an obese human to perpetuate the nefarious “food chain”.  It’s time we lost that food chain mentality and recognized that obesity is rampant in the civilized world.  Haven’t you already had quite enough to eat?  Maybe you should just eat each other, you fat cows.

Perhaps you didn’t know this but you are standing on top of a giant source of vitamins and minerals.  It’s called “soil” though there is a campaign afoot to besmirch this wonderful, life giving substance by calling it “dirt”.  Those awful agricultural corporations will stop at nothing to spread their message of death and pain to all plants.

When you tire of your soil dinner, I suggest you follow the advice of the wise and brave Maria Antoinette, who, before being beheaded for standing up to the malevolent agri-business of her day said, “Let them eat cake.”

Even you fatso’s must love cake.