Cap'n Parrotdead

Cap'n Parrotdead
QuiXlandia, Washington, Milky Way, Universe
April 02
Major Mojo
Pastafarian Navy
Former human turned evil clown. ....................................................... ........................................................ Banner by the incomparable Ric Tresa ........................................................


JULY 25, 2011 1:04PM

An open letter to my employer (if I had one).

Rate: 26 Flag

open letter 






Dear Employer,

Like many Americans, I am feeling the pinch of our poor economy.  Gas prices have gone up tremendously and grocery prices are through the roof, while my income has, well, let's say stagnated.  Without getting into all the reasons why, because of course that's not relevant at all, suffice it to say that my personal budget is currently running a deficit.

The simple fact of the matter is that I've been raising my personal debt ceiling pretty consistently over the last couple of years.  Thank goodness I don't need congressional approval for that!

I know what you're thinking right about now, that I'm about to ask for a raise.  Fear not.  That is so 1999.  You see, in their infinite wisdom, the Republican congress has come up with a new math, really a new reality.  It seems that the only way to balance a budget is to cut, cut, cut and I have to admit, I have been wasteful. 

After careful thought, I realize that it's simply not necessary to eat three meals per day.  CUT!  Heat in the winter?  I have a roof over my head and blankets.  Running a furnace is just plain wasteful.  CUT!  Education for my children?  Fat lot of good education does in this economy.  CUT!

Remember that pay cut you gave us two years ago when all this started, the one that was to be temporary?  I am here to ask that you make it permanent.  Please look hard to see if there are a few benefits you can cut as well.  I know that the only way out of this abyss is to let you, the job creator, keep more of what I'm rightfully entitled to.  It's only fair.

There is a silver lining, though.  With all the money going back to you, the job creator, I'm looking forward to the extra help I'll have with this workload.  Please let me know when the hiring begins.  I know plenty of folks who are looking for work.


Major Mojo

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pithy and pitch-perfect...rated
Thanks, Mister. I guess wearing my pith helmet worked!
I had a banker ask me once why I didn't try to get another job? He knew I had two already and still asked. I told him no wonder they put him up front with a brass name plaque.Freakin' genius. All I had to do was give up sleeping and I had it made.
Well done, send it to the White House and the assorted characters acting in the current drama...
AKA, you want to sleep? Lazy ass.

Sheila, it's hard to imagine that anyone, even our dull-witted congress, doesn't already get it.
Don't you know that all you have to do is improve your skill set? There are billions of jobs available out there if you just do this. Slacker.
I thought you lost your job! The letter is perfect, lick the envelope, the stamps are self-licking now, and let that baby fly~~~~
So right, in your perspective...
nice rant, cappy. laughed hard at your comment/comment to aka. sometimes i feel like yelling "send me in coach and gimme the ball." maybe i'll take a road trip to DC and tell those dumbasses what the solution is, eh? pffffffft.
I think you included everything but the Vasoline Major....
Excellent letter....
I have solution, but nobody in Congress wants to play Russian Roulette with loaded gun!! I was even going to let them go first!! How nice was I??? :D
Just keep reciting the apisa (shit) mantra: obama doing the best he can with the cards he's been dealt"

That should solve all the problems.

Jeanette, you mean standing in the unemployment line isn't skill set enough?
Scanner, I'm actually self employed now so I can save the postage and just read it to myself. See? Always a step ahead.
That's because I have an IQ over 70, Patrick. That seems to be more than can be said for a lot of members of congress.
jramelle, that and some toilet paper.
Candace, take me! I love a road trip.
Mission, I use motor oil. Just another CUT!
Jebus jumped up farking cripes. Cappy, I'm so sick of the bulldoodie from Ottawa, Washington, London ... well, you name the political capital. They're all the same. Idealogues masquerading as caring, compassionate, rational people.

Why are all our countries running a huge deficit that ruins the lives of ordinary people like us? Well, I don't know ... might it have something to do with a buncha undeclared wars and such? Naw. Can't be. It's just the will of Gawd. The Bible tells us so.

Goin' to the garden to eat worms. If they haven't all starved to death. Be well, my son.
tinker, they may know how to deal with a manufactured crisis but they suck at par-tay!
Mark, I have plenty of issues with the President's performance but even you have to admit, they are dealing him a pretty shitty hand.
Right you are about out leaders, Boanerges. Add the fucking bible to the list. The worms should be fine though. No one has figured out how to steal their dirt and call it "dirt creation".
Did you realize that one of your google ads is for a free sample termination letter?

The irony - it hurts.
omg, d, did the earth open up and lightning strike your heathen ass for using 'fucking' as a modifier to the b-word? dude, you are fearless.
~nodding~ Yeah, they suck big when it comes to partying down!! I even said, I got some Thai hookers and a bottle of Jack and they were like, WHAT?

Except the Prez, he was like, GIVE ME SOME OF THAT THAI LOVIN!!!!!


I'm to the point right now, send all of them off to bed without dinner, and keep doin' that till they figure out how to play nice with each other and fix the Goddamn issues!!

Unemployed numbers in most part, still too high, in the State of Tink, it's still 50 percent(cause see, I'm not working, but the wife is, she's like GET A JOB!!!!!!! YOU LAZY ASSHOLE!!! Is that anyway to talk to the Governor of the State of Tink...I didn't think so either but she's the boss!!! ~nodding~ :D)
This is brilliant, Cappy. Keep up the good work!
I may know someone who's hiring, so I'll just send 'em right on over here to meet you Cap'n!

(don't go all teary eyed)
And sad as how do we see this so clearly and those who control the power don't? I lose another two days of work this year for a total of 4. I and others like me who work at schools are all moving backwards. I know it is not only us and it just pisses me off no end!!!
Oh yes and I forgot to say thank you sir I am so thankful I at least have a job I will accept anything to keep it :(
Bad Lunchlady!!!! Not saying thank you, how rude!! :D
Those idjits really, truly do not live in the same world as the rest of us.

It might be time to leave them to their maundering and just take control of our own world without them.

"....of the people, by the people, for the people...."

Jeanette: ~gulp~

Candace, the way I see it, if Gawd was going to strike me down, she'd have done it long ago.

She needs to show you a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Gov. Tink

Thank you, Tai.

I won't go teary eyed, Gabby, but I might feint.

Hear hear, Smittie

LL, they get it. They just figure the rest of us are too dumb to figure it out. Of course, about half of us are.

Tinker, leave poor LL alone!

Kinda makes you want to bitch slap them, eh Pixie?
A modest proposal, indeed...
I get the parody, and I see the truth here. Rated!
Yeah, I turned the breaker off on my furnace last Dec., that sucker cost us a ton in utility costs. We have a wood burner and some nice warm clothes so all is not lost.
I'd personally be willing to pay more taxes, if I could be assured it would go to make the rich richer. I'd hate to think it would benefit us all.