My excitement for the future comes from my dischord with the past.  None of us leave here unscathed but to what degree we are scarred we will not know until we take our last breathe or until we stop and pay attention. Paying attention costs nothing and saves a lot. I understand that the worst thing a person has experienced is their worst, so pain and suffering are relative and on a sliding scale.

     After surviving the suicide (quite a work of narcississtic art) by my boyfriend, the death of my parents, two friends and a brain tumor diagnosos all within six weeks I knew I was making some poor choices. I could sit around and be bitter and choose to never trust, choose to blame or choose to never love, live, create or breathe again. In the recovery from the brain surgeries I had a lot of time to think. The mind can be a scary place when you wander in there alone. It made sense to me to start bringing my understanding of God at that time in there with me.

     I began to realize how little a person needed to survive happily. I used my time in the wheelchair to clean out the dust in my brain, the cobwebs from my soul and the tear down the walls around my heart. I am from a city and was used to the fast paced flow of city life. My husband moved us to the small town in east Tennessee where he grew up because he needed help taking care of me. I didn't know anyone except him and his parents. I was used to being on the road and playing for large crowds every night. I was used to having multi media art openings where a lot of the hipster scene showed up. I was stripped of this and I was lost. As I began to regain hand eye coordination I began to play the guitar again. I was playing for me and God. Before arena rock that's the way it was. People used music for many reasons but mainly as an escape and a healing mechanism for themselves and a tribute to God. I started painting again. I didn't book a show. The act of finishing a work was enough validation for me.Instead of selling my art I began giving it away. I realized I did not need to have my work ( music or art) validated by others.

     My husband and I moved from a house to a small but beautiful apartment. It has four rooms, one closet but beautiful hardwood floors, a screened in back porch and room for a small garden. We simplified and cut back on everything in our lives. We gave away most of our belongings to a local outreach organization. I don't miss any of it. I don't even remember what most of was.

     The future for me has become a very exciting idea because of the hell I put myself through in the past (some in my control like self created chaos and some beyond my control like a brain tumor) was over. I am excited to know true creativity and it's purpose in my life. It is a priviledge , an escape, a personal journey towards spiritual enlightenment, and towards freedom, from ego ( which frequently accompanied my past creativity), and a road to pure humility and humble truths.

     In my future which is taking place while I am writing I have vowed to actively listen, actively love, treat myself and others well. I have vowed to not reproduce because there are millions of children, elderly, animals, and all the other things provided us in nature to nurture and love. My future is minimal in the ways of material things. It looks bleak in a portfolio. My credit report however does not equal my life's work. My credit with my community is outstanding. I got out of the wheelchair, got out of my own head and began a new journey of helping others. I am ,"Paying it foward," to use a common phrase. I know that I can make it through anything the future has to offer because I made it through my selfish past. That what keeps me going. It is why I wake up laughing and have a list of things to do that are achievable, helpful and limitless.

I am happy to know that I still write on paper. I do not keep people at arms length by only texting and emailing. I do not spend my days on a computer. I use all of the technology that seems to be pulling us in a thousand differnent directions minimally. I depend on being able to look a person in the eye, hold a hand, wipe a tear, get a hug, smell the rain, stand in awe of a rainbow, hear the birds, taste simple foods and not have to be entertained by a digital box. I like that I read, I write, I paint, I take pictures, I dance, I sing, I play music, I record, I see people and have real conversations with them everyday. I have friends, family and I have grown in my relationship with God. I am aware, awake and alive.

     I am not what I was and I am not who I will be. That is what is so exciting about the future.